I Can't Help Myself.

A Mexican bandit made a regular habit of crossing the Rio Grande into Texas, robbing a bank and skipping back across the border. A hefty reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search he traced the bandit to a little cantina, walked up to him, put his six shooter to the man's head and said," You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the money or I'll blow your brains out."

But, the bandit didn't speak English and the ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out in Spanish that the money was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?"asked the ranger.

The lawyer answered,"He said,'Get lost asshole.You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

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A lawyer runs a stop sign in Texas and is pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks he's a lot smarter because he's a New York lawyer and decides to have a little fun at the deputy's expense.

"License and registration, please,"says the deputy.
"What for?"says the lawyer.
The deputy replied,"you did not come to a complete stop at the sign."
The lawyer said, "I slowed down, and saw no one was coming."
"The law requires that you come to a complete stop sir,"said the deputy patiently.
The lawyer smiled and said ,"Oh, what's the difference?"
"I need to see your license and registration, sir,"said the deputy, endeavouring to be polite.
The lawyer says,"If you can demonstrate the legal difference between a slowdown and a stop, I'll pay my ticket without argument. If you can't, you let me off. Deal?"
"That sounds fair,"said the deputy." Please exit your vehicle, sir."

The lawyer gets out of his car. The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the living daylights out of him and says," Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

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The local United Way charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So, a volunteer was chosen to solicit a donation.

"Sir,you have a very successful practice. You must be worth millions. Surely,you can afford to give back a little to your community through the United Way."

The lawyer said,"First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long painful illness? And, that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbled,"Uh, no."

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer mumbled ,"No sir."

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and a mountain of debts?"

The United Way rep was very humiliated. "No sir I had no idea."

The lawyer concluded," Well then, if I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?"

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