A Few One LIners Because I Can't Help Myself

-A doctor tells a patient,"I have some very bad news. You have Alzheimer's and cancer."

Patient says, "thank God I don't have cancer."

-Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A man comes up to them and flashes them. One old lady has a stroke. The other old lady couldn't reach that far.

-A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"gimme a beer and a mop."

-An elephant says to a camel,"Ha,ha! You've got two tits growing out of your back."The camel says,"very funny,coming from a guy with a dick growing out of his face."

-Guy says,"Doctor, I think I need glasses."Doctor says,"I think so too.This is a gas station."

-Guy says, "I got a teenage daughter growing tits and a menopausal wife growing whiskers.Can life get any better than this?"

-Why are they called hemorrhoids? They should be called asteroids.

-Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

-Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-Don't judge a book by its movie..

-People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

-Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

-Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

-If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

-A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

-A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

My desk is a work station..

-If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

-Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

-Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was a God and I didn't.

-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

-Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have