Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Open Season on Lawyers

"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." Those wry and witty words were uttered by Barten Holyday, an Englishman who died in 1661, protected, now, from a class action suit by the statute of limitations. This was not the first lawyer joke delivered by mankind, nor, by any means, the last.
Milton Berle once quipped, "Most attorneys practice the law because it gives then a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand and they feel glorious."

A POLICE JOKE
1)"The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
2)"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."
3)Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

4)The devil's offer:
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
5)A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."Sure; Right after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

LAWYER ONE LINERS:

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a crooked lawyer? A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep. A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: A lawyer can get 'Frequent Flyer Miles'.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last longer.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

RULES FOR HUNTING ATTORNEYS IN WASHINGTON STATE
GENERAL:

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

I HAVE MORE, SO MUCH MORE. BE AFRAID.

74 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:23:00 PM

    Hello Jeannie
    Just printed a copy, hope you don't mind.They are great.
    GIL

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  2. Anonymous9:36:00 PM

    Hi PIC...what you doing? How's is Brian? Is he behaving..NO? Hope Nana is better ...but still cranky.[giggles]

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  3. Behaving? He doesn't know how.

    Nana was extra cranky today. She had a sore mouth. I made her some fish.
    How in the hell are you??

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  4. I'm just sitting here picking my nose.

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  5. I actually just got off the phone with Shayne. It's his birthday. He just got a summer job at a hospital. I think he is some kind of orderly. It's good experience if he wants to become a doctor.We'll find out if he's squeamish when he cleans a few bedpans.

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  6. Anonymous9:46:00 PM

    Hi sweetie

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  7. Anonymous9:48:00 PM

    I'm doing good, I think the meeting is tomorrow, hell I want to know what's going on. I want to see how they are going to get the cash to pay dad out and how long it will take.

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  8. Anonymous9:50:00 PM

    That will be good experience for Shayne, I think he can handle it.
    As you know you can't keep a good man down.

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  9. How are you and your whole gang,right down to your gay,(sometimes straight) cousin??

    I hope everyone is in the best of health and happy as hell.

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  10. Anonymous9:54:00 PM

    Everyone here is fine , nice weather and my cousin, he's excited about the baby, says this is the second time he's been with a girl and he likes it.

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  11. Anonymous9:56:00 PM

    I think I scared the shit out of Gil when I told him his car was on the blog, I laughed so hard at him, he asked if you mind him having a copy and I said no.

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  12. It probably doesn't feel that different with your eyes shut.

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  13. Anonymous10:00:00 PM

    I made hamburgers and fries for dinner and everyone was in seventh heaven.

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  14. Anonymous10:04:00 PM

    Eyes open or shut, packing shit is bound to hurt.I'm going to ask him do he poke them or they poke him or how do it go.HAhaha

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  15. Anonymous10:07:00 PM

    DC is on A&E don't think I've seen this one...criminal minds just went off.

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  16. We had rainbow trout. Delicious.
    Kids will take a burger and fries over anything.I just have to smell it to want it.With lots of onions.

    Phew! I gave Maxy the fish skin.He loves it and it's good for him and his coat. But his breath is toxic now.Could put a truck driver into a coma.

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  17. You can't ask a gay man what he does in the bedroom.... Wait a minute, I forgot who I was talking to. Of course you are going to ask him.
    Log on to any porn website and you can see it for yourself.

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  18. Anonymous10:12:00 PM

    Going to have fish Thursday, we have some sort of fish about 4/5 times a week, they love it also.

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  19. DC doesn't look that bad in this show. He hadn't decomposed so badly then. I still would find it amusing to see him dance an Irish jig, naked.

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  20. Anonymous10:16:00 PM

    I use to visit planet franck but he is private now and most I have come across you have to have a user ID and I just leave. A lt of bloggers now is keeping their profile private, I tried to see where David is from but his profile is private.

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  21. He does speak gently to children.He seems to like them.

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  22. You mean the comment I got on my lawyer jokes? It's only half a comment. I kept editing the post and I guess I interrupted his comment.Some of his web address was cut off. But you can still go to his website in Liverpool. He is a lawyer.

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  23. Anonymous10:21:00 PM

    Abe seen him about a month ago and says he's very bloated and he's not looking good at all. He also says that Amina real last name is "TYRONE", he always wondered where I got Islum from or whatever her name was.

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  24. Anonymous10:26:00 PM

    I tried... but they said it wasn't available at that address, the whole address isn't there maybe he'll be back, I tried but I guess I didn't have it all, no big deal.
    Hell when I'm woke he's asleep.

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  25. Anonymous10:29:00 PM

    How would I find his web address, I tried the blue thing and it said it wasn't an address or I needed to check it again.

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  26. I clicked on the blue thing and it worked. I'll do it now and get his address for you ,hang on.

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  27. Anonymous10:32:00 PM

    Maybe that's why DC is not getting much air time, he seems to have a bit of a gut and his face is swollen , maybe that's why his eyes seem so little and beady.

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  28. http://www.easylaw.co.uk/index.php

    This is David's address.His law office is in Liverpool.

    You should be able to just click on it.

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  29. Anonymous10:36:00 PM

    I wrote it down and will go there if I don't forget.
    You didn't have to the trouble of getting it for me, I was just curious.

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  30. I looked up Amina's bio.Her name was Islam and she changed it to Tyrone.

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  31. Anonymous10:41:00 PM

    I might go take a look at Keyser's haven't been there this year, he changed after he moved..
    If I visit David it will be to just look around, unless he's looking for a girl Friday .

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  32. Anonymous10:44:00 PM

    That's what I was thinking, I told Abe he didn't know what he was talking about, I don't know why they all lie for DC.

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  33. I blew Keyser off when he discriminated about poor people not desserving the same quality of health care that he got.

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  34. Anonymous10:49:00 PM

    I heard DC was a good dancer. He has made movies with some big stars. Did you know he was in the movie Rambo: First Blood with SLY.

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  35. I know he had a very small part in Rambo.He wasn't bad in "An Officer and a Gentleman". He was good in King of New York. He play a hyper, smartass, young New York cop.

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  36. Anonymous10:56:00 PM

    Well, I won't take a look at his blog,I think everyone needs the same health care.I have family /friends that deserves the same as me.You may have a bunch of money today, but gone tomorrow, and a lot of people don't have the same opportunities as I had.
    But everyone having good health care is good and it don't take nothing out of my pockets, at least I will know where some of my taxes going.

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  37. DC wasn't too bad in that one.But shit, the man can't act anymore.

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  38. Anonymous11:02:00 PM

    I still can't remember the name of the movie he and Nic Cage was in and the one he was in when he left Paris, it was about him going to Florida to get his money, and worked at a place like seaworld training dolphins and got his ass beat in that one two and the very worst is "Session's 8"

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  39. Anonymous11:04:00 PM

    In your reasch about the oil spill,they are saying so many different things, some say smaller, some say larger. What you find?

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  40. Anonymous11:06:00 PM

    [giggles] You think Heidi put a "HEX" on him? He was pretty good when CSI:M first started.Hahaha

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  41. Anonymous11:08:00 PM

    You know I just had a thought, Heidi will never connect us, we know her intermost secert, she wanted to blow DC's danfle.Hahaa

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  42. Criminal minds is back on.

    Brian is happy working on his boat. I guess I'll have to go aboard and clean the bathroom and put all the bedding and cushions back.It has a very tiny little galley area but it has a sink and running water and a little stove and fridge.All of which will have to be scrubbed after being stored all winter. He won't do it.

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  43. Anonymous11:11:00 PM

    I meant ...Heidi will never contact us, we know her secret.

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  44. Right. Maybe Heidi's poison polluted his acting skills. All I know is they went downhill fast. I can't see how that could happen unless he suddenly became retarded.

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  45. Anonymous11:16:00 PM

    Well as long as he's tinkling on the boat, you know he's not over doing it.
    We have to have license for boats and just about everything.Fishing/hunting and if they could I bet they would make you get a license for the choochie.
    What is about bathrooms and kitchens most men don't like.

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  46. Maybe someone sucked his brains out through his dangle. He certainly lets anyone have a try at it.

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  47. I wonder how Heidi feels about his dangle right now.

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  48. Anonymous11:20:00 PM

    Have you thought about the divorce from Marg, he was trying to get back with her and Liza got pregnant. I think Marg forgave him of his many affiars, but him making another woman pregnant was the straw that broke the camels back.
    I bet she wanted babies ...most women do.

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  49. Men don't see the need to be antiseptic. Brian thinks germs are good for you. They make your immune system fight back. That's his story anyway.
    Jaye has no immune system and I have a very low one so we know better and we have to make sure everything is clean around us.

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  50. Anonymous11:23:00 PM

    I notice after 2005 is when he started going down, that's when the divorce became final.

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  51. Marg knew about all the women. I don't think he tried to hide any of it,the shithead. At least he could have spared her the humiliation of knowing about his sluts. And then he would come home and have sex with her.Marg should have had a bit more pride and kicked his ass out long before she did.

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  52. Anonymous11:27:00 PM

    They sure notice when things is not as clean if we have an off day.

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  53. Yes you're right the change in his acting came at the same time as his divorce. Maybe it was the stress or the loss of Marg that traumatized him. Anyway it sure changed him and aged him.

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  54. Brian chastizes me right away if he sees something not quite clean and shiny.

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  55. Anonymous11:32:00 PM

    I love my man...but I will not take that shit from him or no one else and he knows this.
    I will not be a door mat for no one.

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  56. Anonymous11:37:00 PM

    I get the same here, but at least they notice. I do like a clean house, I don't have a living roon just for guests, I have a great room, a family room a lot of folks call them and my babies is all over the house and they know to put their things away.

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  57. I used to wonder how I would react if I found out Brian was having an affair. I would have been so devastated, I think I would have had a breakdown.He used to flirt a lot.
    Now, I don't worry any more. I know it ain't going to happen.

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  58. Anonymous11:43:00 PM

    My second brother's wife,thinks a child should just sit still and not move unless they are on the outside, when we was small sis never carried Nan and me there to visit.

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  59. She probably had a bunch of miserable kids. Kids need to move all the time or they go nuts.

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  60. Anonymous11:49:00 PM

    If he flirted in front of you, that was all he was going to do, a lot of men love to flirt but if you take them up on it they will run like hell.I would be hurt awfully bad, and maybe a breakdown after I run his naked ass down the street shitting like a goose.
    He told me where we got together he was ready to settle down.

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  61. My grandson Jason was so hyperactive when he was a kid he used to drive Brian crazy.You could not make that kid sit still for a minute.He was spastic.
    Steve is giving Jason a big going away party Sunday after next.The kid is going to the other side of Canada for several months to learn how to manage a resort. In fact if he likes it he may not come back. I would miss him so much,he is a sweetie but he is still spastic.

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  62. Anonymous11:53:00 PM

    That's why Gilly still have his bells on him, I want happy kids.
    My house is child friendly, large rooms and lots of windows.My kitchen is Gilly proof.

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  63. Anonymous11:58:00 PM

    I know you will miss him, but isn't it nice to see them spreading their wings, and oh the girls. He may learn his trade and go big time.
    Is he the one that went to Hawaii?

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  64. Anonymous12:00:00 AM

    The other side, do you mean down by Washington state?

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  65. Why don't we call it a night Sweetie? I have an early morning and I haven't posted diddley-squat.
    I have to let old fish-breath out. The rabbit poop will only improve his breath.
    I have a doggy breath spray now. It also cleans his teeth and kills germs. I love it.

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  66. He'll be in British Columbia not far from Vancouver.He can hardly wait.

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  67. Anonymous12:02:00 AM

    I want to dress up this Saturday and go to dinner/dancing, maybe Dad or Mamie will babysit.

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  68. Justin went to Hawaii. He really liked it there.

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  69. Anonymous12:06:00 AM

    Okay...I will post something , don't know what right now...news is slow, I better pick up a magazine.
    Goodnight sweeti and see down by the bayou.

    GOODNITE....HUGS...PIC
    Kiss the ROCK.....NITE...LUV

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  70. I get to dress up Sunday . I am being taken to a fancy restaurant for a Mother's day dinner.

    Saturday I am going for a fish-fry in Port Dover. It's so good.

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  71. See you around the old blog honey.Take care and I'll see tomorrow when the stars are out.

    Sleep soundly and have erotic dreams....PIC

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  72. Anonymous12:10:00 AM

    P.S.
    Have a great time and enjoy, don't know what I'm doing on Mother's day, I never kmow until the last mintue.

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  73. You know I just had a thought, Heidi will never connect us, we know her intermost secert, she wanted to blow DC's danfle.Hahaa


    YOU GALS ARE REALLY BAD....phew.
    Heidi
    PS: I never had so much fun than with your comments..LOL

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Through this ever open gate
None come too early
None too late
Thanks for dropping in ... the PICs