Favorite One-liners

 

 I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
 
I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same.

The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.

 You know you are fat when you're cuddling a baby and suddenly you lose it.

 I was adopted at birth and have never met my mom. That makes it very difficult to enjoy a lapdance.

The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you always get it back.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can come any day but Tuesday".

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was a tangled mess - but the reception was brilliant.
  
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 
                
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one for a husband''.   

 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

  I called the police station, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''. 

  Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender said, ''Hey, is this a joke?''

 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

  The other day I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow. I called her, I said ''Now, do you get my drift?''.

  I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Went to the paper shop - but it had blown away.

  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey- get out! We don't want your type in here''

 A man entered a local pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 I went down to the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
  
  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.
     

  A truck-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see, my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I wanted to get in shape; I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
    

  I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 I went to the corner shop today - bought 4 corners.   

A seal walks into a club...   

 JOKES

  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''  

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

 A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''