Thursday, June 11, 2009

I Can't Help Myself.

A Mexican bandit made a regular habit of crossing the Rio Grande into Texas, robbing a bank and skipping back across the border. A hefty reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search he traced the bandit to a little cantina, walked up to him, put his six shooter to the man's head and said," You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the money or I'll blow your brains out."

But, the bandit didn't speak English and the ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out in Spanish that the money was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?"asked the ranger.

The lawyer answered,"He said,'Get lost asshole.You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


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A lawyer runs a stop sign in Texas and is pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks he's a lot smarter because he's a New York lawyer and decides to have a little fun at the deputy's expense.

"License and registration, please,"says the deputy.
"What for?"says the lawyer.
The deputy replied,"you did not come to a complete stop at the sign."
The lawyer said, "I slowed down, and saw no one was coming."
"The law requires that you come to a complete stop sir,"said the deputy patiently.
The lawyer smiled and said ,"Oh, what's the difference?"
"I need to see your license and registration, sir,"said the deputy, endeavouring to be polite.
The lawyer says,"If you can demonstrate the legal difference between a slowdown and a stop, I'll pay my ticket without argument. If you can't, you let me off. Deal?"
"That sounds fair,"said the deputy." Please exit your vehicle, sir."

The lawyer gets out of his car. The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the living daylights out of him and says," Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

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The local United Way charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So, a volunteer was chosen to solicit a donation.

"Sir,you have a very successful practice. You must be worth millions. Surely,you can afford to give back a little to your community through the United Way."

The lawyer said,"First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long painful illness? And, that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbled,"Uh, no."

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer mumbled ,"No sir."

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and a mountain of debts?"

The United Way rep was very humiliated. "No sir I had no idea."

The lawyer concluded," Well then, if I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?"

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35 comments:

  1. Katherine3:55:00 PM

    LMAO that is funny...

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  2. Anonymous4:35:00 PM

    (GIGGLES) I can't wait for my man to see/copy these.He just ask the other day had you forgot him,I guess he will be happy now .I love all of them and some reminds me of my man.hahaha

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  3. Anonymous11:23:00 PM

    I am here.

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  4. Maxy just ran off into the woods and I wasn't going to chase him.He was chasing something.It looked like a racoon.It could kill him .Racoons can be very mean.

    It's too dark in them there woods.

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  5. Anonymous11:24:00 PM

    Jeannie and K.. where are you?

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  6. Katherine11:26:00 PM

    Oh I hope Maxy will be alright...he a cutie

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  7. Anonymous11:28:00 PM

    Racoons will climb a tree ,won't fight unless they have too.

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  8. I just called Maxy and he came trotting back like he'd just been for a stroll.I should kick his fat little ass for scaring me,but I could never hit him,so he gets away with murder.

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  9. Anonymous11:30:00 PM

    You have a lot of open space,people are not stacked on top of each other.

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  10. Anonymous11:34:00 PM

    The breeder here say the small dogs will get underneath their pry and rip the throat..they are very protective of their surrounding.I just love him,he be waiting on me every morning.

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  11. In my case, I live in a city but there are woods behind my house. It's kind of nice to have the convenience of the city at my front door and a conservation area at my back door.

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  12. Katherine11:35:00 PM

    Glad the little fella is home...:)

    Feisty little thing isnt he

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  13. You have to travel north to the wilds or east to Quebec or west to the prairies for the wide open spaces. I live in a densely populated industrial area.

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  14. Anonymous11:40:00 PM

    K...I forgot ,you were off today ,I hope you enjoyed a nice walk on the beach.

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  15. Maxy protects his territory.He hates all the wildlife. He chases the rabbits ,squirrels, chipmunks and the ducks in our stream.He's scared of the deer that come to drink at the stream though and he absolutely hates the frogs.

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  16. Anonymous11:44:00 PM

    Sounds real nice,I think I would like that...I like to be close to everything ,sound like what I have here.

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  17. K..It must be nice to live so close to the beach.I miss being near the sea.I am always at peace near the water.we enjoy walking for miles along the beach. We like beach combing.Do you walk much?

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  18. Anonymous11:47:00 PM

    Will our puppy be like Maxy? I know he will be white,now I need a name...you said not to name hime bill,cause when I call him everyone will come running.

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  19. All Bichons look the same.They are pure white but their skin is pink with black patches all over it.It's weird.
    Are you getting a boy or a girl?

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  20. They are always happy and they love everyone. When they do get upset they sulk like little kids.

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  21. You could choose a French name .It is a French dog.

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  22. Name him after a place in Louisiana.

    Maxy's sister was named Charlie.
    How about Cherie,

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  23. Katherine12:02:00 AM

    Me too I need the beach and sea air...very comforting to me

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  24. Anonymous12:03:00 AM

    We are getting a boy,Dad say we better get two in case Gilly eat one.haha

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  25. Anonymous12:05:00 AM

    I like that name..."Cherie"...That's what Dave's first wife was name,I like it.

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  26. For a boy....Buddy Rowdy Toby Sammy Harley Riley Gizmo Bandit Bambino Beau Bingo Brando Robby

    I like Beau

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  27. Anonymous12:24:00 AM

    I just wrote them all down. What you think about a boy and girl.I can have the boy fixed.

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  28. Rocky Jasper Duke Prince Cody Casey Ace Buster Oliver Wilson Hudson Jacky Micckey

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  29. Anonymous12:26:00 AM

    Beau and Cherie it is..hahaha.Remember Beau Bridges the actor?

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  30. Why don't you see how you can cope with one pooper before you get two?If you like him then get another one when he is trained.

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  31. Anonymous12:35:00 AM

    You are so right, I will try just one for now,I have one pooper that I will have to train,I am going to let his daddy do that,I train Jill.hahaha

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  32. My best advice ? Find a good dog groomer right away and a good vet.

    Shall we say goonight sweetie? Or are you so wired you want to stay up all night?

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  33. Anonymous12:41:00 AM

    Time have got away from me again..
    I will sign off and say goodnite ..sweet dreams and I will see you tomorrow..Lots of LUV..PIC...Kiss Brian and shake Nana's hand...see you tomorrow..
    Nite....NEE

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  34. Goodnight Honey. Talk to you tomorrow.Loved every minute..J

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  35. Anonymous12:51:00 AM

    Goodnite everyone see you all later gators....(GIGGLES)...NEE

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