I was turned down as Fire Warden at my Nursing Home today. They asked me "What steps would I take in case of a fire?" Apparently, "Big Frickin' Ones" wasn't the correct answer.
One of my favorite jokes...
An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are ...breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are ...breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I can't believe all those years of phone sex have finally caught up with me. I now have hearing AIDS.
An old geezer stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"... "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Wh...ere in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '59."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '59, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The old O'Malley twins are drunk again."
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"... "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Wh...ere in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '59."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '59, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The old O'Malley twins are drunk again."
I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live now. Let me know if anyone can help?
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live now. Let me know if anyone can help?
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that sh...e had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said,' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said,' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Hahaha !!!
ReplyDeletePIC these are the butter you put on the grits .
That old geezer with the hat reminds me of Dad .
I do think you are feeling better .
Luv PIC
Geezer jokes are among my most favorite. Thankyou for laughing.
ReplyDeleteluv ya