Ask Maxy

Maxy's Nana is a guest writer for a few weeks . She is 89 years old and gives  advice from a wealth of experience. We hope you will enjoy her as much as we do.

Dear Maxy ,
Twenty years ago , my wife had an affair with a co-worker . It ended when he moved back to his home a state 2,000 miles away . At the same time, I asked my wife to go to counselling with me . We made it to one session before she pronounced our marriage "healed."
Sixteen months ago , this same guy contracted my wife via email and the began communicating . I discovered they were planning to meet in Las Vegas, I begged her not to go, but she was convinced she loved him and had to know if they should be together . The month before her trip, I endured more pain than I've ever experienced . I set up counselling sessions for us with separate therapists, arranged a meeting with our pastor and lost 20 pounds from the stress .
In the end, this creep flaked out on their Vegas rendezvous , probably because he couldn't see himself leaving his children for her . She was also reluctant to leave our kids . However, the breakup crushed her and she initially refused to work on our marriage . Finally we went to a joint counselling session , but when the therapist made a reference to her "profound betrayal," that was that .
My wife refuses to rehash what happened . I'm worried that the only reason she is recommitting to our marriage is because the other man gave up on her . Things just don't feel the same . She insists she's done with this guy, but who really knows ? Is it possible to move forward without dealing with the past ?
Torn Up
Dear Torn Up ,
Maybe, but not if your wife is using your marriage as her rebound relationship in order to soothe her heartbreak . That's a temporary committment . Refusing to examine the reasons behind her vulnerability to the affair leaves open the possibility of repeating the betrayal ... and this is undoubtedly what most worries you . You cannot force your wife to work on this, so please get counselling for yourself, on your own . You need to learn what you can live with .
Maxy
Nana says,
Sorry, but you both need a little straight talk: 'Torn Up', you are weak and no doubt blind to your wife's problems and she has a bunch of them. You don't need a sometimes wife and the kids don't need a sometimes mother. Your wife needs the excitement of clandestine sex, the wickedness of an affair. She may call it love but it isn't. She will never accept councelling and she will never rehash her affair because it would destroy her illusions. However, she will probably repeat the betrayal at the next opportunity because she knows you are weak and will take her back. She will always use your weakness against you. One or both of you should call it quits. When you see the situation from a distance you will see it more clearly.

Dear Maxy ,
I am a grandfather in my 70s . I was excited to learn about Facebook and start conversing with friends and relatives . I love seeing all their pictures and videos and reading their statuses and comments . I always make comments and give compliments on their pictures , etc .
But is it wrong for me to be hurt and resentful when some of them completely ignore me in return ? Is it mainly the relatives that do this .
These are the same people to whom I have sent checks in hard times and for every ocassion and it bothers me when I see that they comment to other friends, but act like I don't exist .
I don't understand their behavior . They act as if it would cost them long-distance-money to respond to me .
I believe you can find out a lot about people by friending them on Facebook . You discover which ones are really interested in you and which ones simply like to post pictures of themselves . It is so self centered . What should I do .
Hurt
Dear Hurt ,
Please don't mistake Facebook for genuine friendship and a true relationship . It is simply a convenient way to keep track of others' activities and life events and let them know about yours .
Some people are considerate and responsive (like you), and others , less so . Your relatives, in particular, may think that their relationship with you is covered outside of Facebook and therefore doesn't require the same degree of attentiveness online . It's OK to ask when you see them in person , but I urge you not to take this too seriously . I don't believe it is anyone's intent to hurt your feelings .
Maxy
Nana says,
Maxy is right on the dot with his advice. That is what family does. They are too familiar with you so they take you for granted. You are like part of the furniture, a favorite old chair....always there and very comfortable. My daughter has complained of this very problem with Facebook. She tries to keep up with all her grandchildren and leaves loving messages but they don't often reply. They like knowing you are always there for them and supporting them and they appreciate it from the heart even if they seldom say it. Try not leaving a message for a while and see what happens.

Dear Maxy ,
I always felt my mother and I were inseparable . I never thought I would be blessed to marry a wonderful man and that it would damage our relationship, but it did .
My mom has had a great influence on my life for 32 years , but this had to end . She only developed a problem with my then-boyfriend when she saw it was serious . She tried everything to break us up, including having him investigated , she told me he was "no good." I chose not to listen to her . I'm happy I did . I couldn't ask for a better husband .
My mom did not come to my wedding and refuses to come to my house, saying I chose a man over her . But Maxy , I cannot allow her to continue to be disrespectful of my husband . Please tell your readers that trying to control their children will only push them away and create resentment . My mom centered her life around me and now feels lost .
I'm still struggling to adjust to not having her in my life, but I refuse to leave my husband to make her happy . I have made grat choices . Many mothers would love to have a daughter and son-in-law like us .Is there anything I can do ?
Missing my Mom
Dear Missing my Mom ,
Your mother's jealousy has clouded her thinking and instead of a close, warm relationship with you, your husband and your future children, she has isolated herself in bitterness . I hope you will give her the opportunity to get past this, although it may take time and a good deal of forgiveness on your part .
Continue to periodically reach out to her, inviting her to your home with the understanding that she must treat your husband with decency . Over time, I suspect she will miss you enough to make the effort .
Maxy.
Nana says,
You are doing the right thing. It is your life and you must live it the way you know is best for you. All moms are a little jealous when their daughters marry. Your mom just got carried away by her feelings and she can't get things back in perspective. When she has had sufficient time to think things through she will start to see her behavior as unreasonable and will realize that she may be denied access to her future grandchildren. If you keep an open mind and an open door she will come around. If you were the center of her universe, just imagine how lonely she is right now.
But when she is in your home, make it clear that your husband is to be treated with respect. Just don't expect too much too soon. The ball is in her court.