Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been in love with Cliff for four years. Two years ago we got a house together. When he lost his job he became angry, indifferent and didn't seem to care about me any more.
I tried to tough it out, believing it would get better, but when Cliff became verbally abusive, I took my two kids and left . I asked him if he wanted me to stay and he said no he didn't think things would improve .
We kept trying to fix the relationship or at least I did . But Cliff was dating other women and lied to me about it and the whole thing has become a hurtful mess .
I still love Cliff, but don't know whether I can trust him anymore. My guilt over leaving him and his son to to deal with the foreclosure on the house we bought together kills me .
He won't express any anger, even though I can see his resentment . He also won't address the lies . Is this a lost cause .
Am I hoping for too much ?
Love Struck
Dear Love Struck ,
You could make excuses for Cliff's terrible behavior by believing his job loss depressed him and he couldn't cope .
But that only underscores a certain level of immaturity and irresponsibility. When the going gets tough , Cliff lies and cheats .
Life is filled with tough times and your partner should be someone you can count on . Cliff doesn't seem terribly interested in working on your relationship . At some point, you have to make the decisions that are best for your children . Professional counseling can help you work through this and move forward .
Maxy
Nana says,
Phooey! All this angst over a lying, cheating man with no backbone. I am so old I have seen this kind of thing time and again. See a councelor if you can't handle your own life; that's fine. But I might suggest you give your kids a hug, dress up and go out on the town with someone you like ...kick up your heels. The whole world is out there waiting for you. Don't worry yourself sick over someone like Cliff. Let him sit home and sulk about himself. You did the right thing.

Dear Maxy,
I recently lost my spouse and now attend a grief support group that can be very helpful .
However, there are a couple of members of this group who monopolize the conversation for at least half of the time allotted for the total meeting and worse, they repeat the same ting over and over again .
We also have a new member who attends to support a friend whose husband died, now we know all about her abusive childhood .
Grief groups work well by sharing pain caused by loss of a loved one . Members support one another .
This is not possible unless there is an open and caring interchange between members . Perhaps those members who are causing problems will see this .
Southern Griever
Dear Southern ,
There should be a councelor of some kind to moderate these discussions and keep order so everyone gets a chance to speak their mind.
Although a certain amount of off-topic discussions can be appropriate and healing , no one should monopolize the sessions so often that it prevents other from expressing themselves. Speak to your moderator about it. Another option is finding a group more suitable to your needs.
Maxy
Nana says,
Next time you attend your grief support meeting, perhaps, you could suggest to all the members that each person gets a time limit of five minutes and keep going round the circle of members until the meeting is over. If no one wants to be the time keeper, take your kitchen timer with you.

Dear Maxy ,
My parents and brother live in another state . A few years ago my brother went through a nasty divorce . He and my eleven-year-old niece, "Debra" are still estranged from his ex-wife .
The issue is how my mother is reacting to the divorce . She was very shocked by the events leading up to their separation and think it has damaged her trust in people . She seems to be transferring this anxiety onto Debra .
Mom wants to protect Debra from all disappointments in life , and together they have developed an "us against the world" mentality .
Maxy , there are other family members who love Debra and want to be part of a loving support system for her and yet we feel shut out by the alliance with my mother . Debra goes to her grandmother almost exclusively with all her feelings and I get the sense that Mom enjoys being so important to her .
I know that my mother loves Debra immensely , but I'm not sure whether she is helping or hurting . What do you think ?
Ambivalent
Dear Ambivalent,
It all depends on whether your mother is helping or hurting Debra. If your mother acts as Debra's confidante and works through the girl's feeling of abandonment or grief over the divorce she is helping . Debra may find that her grandmother is easy to talk with and seems to understand her best , in which case she is more likely to confide in her exclusively.
However , if Mom is deliberately keeping Debra away from family members and encouraging her to blame her mother or father , mistrust others or behave secretively , she is doing harm .
Maxy
Nana says,
An eleven year old is perceptive enough to know in her heart who she trusts with her feelings. Kids are smart. Don't worry about her. Just be thankful she is surrounded by a loving family. Normally she would go to her mother with all her feelings and problems. Since she no longer is close to her mom, her grandma is a natural choice for a substitute. She needs a confidante (singular). You will be able to tell from her demeanor and behavior if the relationship has a negative influence but that's highly unlikely. 'Thank Heavens for grandmas!'