Ask Maxy

Much to our delight, Maxy's Nana (89 years old) will be a guest advisor on 'Ask Maxy' for a few weeks; Providing us with her own unique view on the letters we receive.

Dear Maxy ,
My family wants to move to another state . The only reason we haven't is because of my dad's job . He has worked for the same company for 18 years and doesn't want to lose his retirement benefits . I understand how important the job is, but the company would easily allow a transfer to another branch .
Whenever we try to talk to dad about moving, he gets angry and yells at us or leaves the room in frustration . It's causing a lot of tension at home . We feel stuck and unhappy here and makes me upset with my father for not putting an effort into moving . He has told us many times that he wants to go somewhere else , yet he doesn't do anything to make it happen .
Dad was looking at real estate prices in a city we vacationed in last year, but seems to have forgotten about it . How do we help him see that moving is best for all of us ? There is no downside . Other branches of the company pay better than the one he works at now, and there's also the possibility that he could find a job with an entirely different company that's even better for him .
I think dad is worried about selling the house, but how will he know whether he can sell it if he doesn't try ? He is also resistant to change . How can we help him ?
Loving daughter
Dear Loving Daughter ,
Moving away may seem like a simple thing to you , but for your father , it is fraught with uncertainty . You don't know his company would offer to tranfer him . You don't know that he could find a better , or even an adequate job somewhere else and start from scratch to support his family . You don't know that he could sell the house for enough to buy another one . All of these things weigh on his mind and your constant pressure adds to his unhappiness and stress .
Here's how you can help your dad : Tell him you know he is doing what he thinks is best for the family . Don't bring up the subject again . He knows how you feel . Decide to make the best of the situation you have and if you don't move away , you have the option of leaving on your own when you are an adult .
Maxy
Nana says,
I agree with Maxy. At your age it is difficult to understand why anyone would get upset about moving to another state. You are young and bursting with energy and a sense of adventure. Your father, on the other hand, has a family to protect and care for. He has taken this responsibility seriously for all the years he has worked and built up security for you all. He is looking ahead to his retirement now and does not want to jeopardize that.
The economy is very shaky. There is no guarantee he can get a job at his age or get a transfer with full benefits. When you get to a certain age it is hard to start all over again: new place, new job, new home. He is aware of all these things and I know most men in his position, in these uncertain times, would not risk it all on a whim.
When you are on vacation and relaxed you can look at a real estate pamphlet and dream a little but reality is much different.
Give him a little peace and quiet and a hug for all he has done for you. Your turn will come soon enough.

Dear Maxy ,
The woman who sits at a cubicle across from me is unhygienic , in my opinion . She picks her nose and then uses the telephone without ever cleaning her hands or the instrument . She picks her teeth and leaves her used dental floss on her desk . Then she wants to come into my space and touch things . I don't want her hands on anything that I touch . Who can imagine that kind of behavior ?
What can I say to her that won't seem rude but lets her know she can't cross the invisible line of my area unless she cleans herself up .
Cleanliness First
`
Dear Cleanliness First
You have to state the obvious; otherwise your office mate will never pick up on your cues . For whatever reason , she doesn't realize her behavoir is unhygienic . She is oblivious to how her actions can make the environment unsafe for others .
When no one is around, tell her that you have noticed things that she does that concern you . Run down the list . Tell that especially now, during flu season, you do not want to catch any illnesses . Implore her to clean up her desk area, sanitize it and wash her hands when she uses the restroom .
She will likely be embarrassed and even angry, but at least you will have said it . If she does not comply , ask her to stay out of your work area . You may have to remind her from time to time .
Maxy
Nana says,
Maxy is right; however I would try a little subtlety or diplomacy first. You don't want an altercation in the work place if you can help it. Why don't you buy a bottle of hand sanitizer for her desk and yours. Then tell her it is advised to keep your hands very clean during flu season and show her the bottle on your own desk. In fact, say that you use yours all the time to avoid all the nasty bacteria that people spread constantly. That would be a start. If she doesn't pick up on the message you are giving her you can always resort to the brutal truth.

Dear Maxy ,
I got into a huge argument with my husband last week over stupid stuff . I feel like we ague every five minutes about something . I am so sick of him . We have been married about 10 years, but I'm beginning to feel that it isn't worth it . If everything is negative, what's the point ?
This time it is so crazy because we were arguing about going on vacation . I had one idea and he had another. I introduced the idea to see if a change of pace might do us some good . Even that blew up on me .
I'm nearly ready to pack my bags and fly but feel that is cowardly . This has to stop . What can I do ?
On the Brink

Dear On the Brink ,
Too bad you argued about a vaction . Taking time away from the rigors of your life can be restorative for couples who are having martital difficulties . Do you think you can revisit the idea of a vacation from a more neutral frame of reference ? Go back to your husband and ask if he is willing to broach the topic again . If so, do your best to select an activity that you both will enjoy .
If you cannot find a way to have that discussion, then it's time for another one . It could start with a frank conversation where, during a quiet moment, you ask your husband what he wants and if that still includes being married to you . Be prepared to admit that you are questioning whether the two of you should stay together . If you can speak openly and honestly about how you feel about your relationship, you may be able to begin a real discussion that evaluates your life together .
Getting a counselor to help both of you navigate the next steps is also advisable . You may be able to learn how to speak more diplomatically and respectfully to each other, which can be amazingly helpful in supporting a relationship . Figure out what your triggers are and how you can look at things differently . Then revisit whether you think you can work together or need to separate .
Maxy
Nana Says,
There is an option you might like to try first. It sounds like the spark has gone out of your marriage and you are living in a kind of resentful boredom. I was married for more than 50 years and had that feeling from time to time.
Can you remember when you loved each other so much you couldn't live without each other? Maybe you still do. It may be that you are just going through a kind of ten year itch. Perhaps you just need a bit of a change, a breath of fresh air.
My husband and I spent weekends apart when we felt that way. I went to Las Vegas with a friend and he went golfing. You find, after a while, that you miss each other and realize you would be having more fun if you were together. It's worth a try before you start a chain of events you may regret and may not be able to stop, once in motion.
Nana.