Thursday, March 12, 2015

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy 
My husband and I have been married for 10 years , but I sometimes wonder whether I love him or am just used to having him around . We have no kids and I've started thinking of how my life would be without him .
This all began when he displayed an awful temper . He never gets physically violent , but he hurts me tremendously with things he says . He pays some of my bills , but always put his wants and needs before household things that are more important , like fixing the car or filling my prescriptions . I have to walk on eggshells most of the time . When it's a holiday or Valentine's Day , he expects me to get him something , but he never does anything special for me .
My friends think I'm still with him because I'm afraid to be alone . There are times when I enjoy his company but not that often . I'm not even sexually attracted to him anymore . Should I continue on because it just might be a phase I'm going through ?
Tired of It 
Dear Tired of It,
While all relationships go through ups and downs, yours includes verbal abuse, a lack of consideration and a cruel disregard of your needs and feelings. You may also be in danger of the abuse escalating.
This is not acceptable behavior between loving spouses . If your husband is willing to go with you for counseling and work on this, there may be some hope for the relationship. If not ( and I suspect not), please talk to a counselor on your own to try to clarify your feelings and make the best decisions for your future .
Your husband may also wish to be free of the relationship.
Weigh the good times against the bad and I think you will find it is not worth spending your life being abused and held hostage to someone else's bad temper and moods. There are worse things than being alone. There are plenty of good and loving people out there. I don't think you would be alone for long.
Keep your spirits up,

Dear Maxy ,
I am about to go on a third date with a lovely women . I feel that she is really special and I think she likes me . I am a guy that like to take things slow and I think she likes that too . The thing is , I don't want her to put me in the "friend" box just because I'm not making moves on her . We have held hands a couple of times and generally been close but we haven't kissed or anything yet . I want to take my time . I was married before and it didn't work out . I am not so much interested in dating around . I want to find a partner , but I think it's smart to take my time to see . How can I let her know that I like her romantically without doing anything romantic yet ?
Taking it Slow 
Dear Taking it Slow ,
It may be refreshing to your date that you aren't "making moves" so quickly . You should make it absolutely clear to her that you like her romantically, especally if you are the kind of guy who often ends up becoming "the friend." 
Why not tell her on your next date? Tell her how much you enjoy being with her and how much you are enjoying the process of getting to know her . Be upfront about your desire for a partner, your past, and why you would like to take it slowly. Foremost, it's important to discover if she feels the same way about you and is also looking a life partner. If not, you may be wasting a lot of time. 
If she is indeed interested in finding a permanent mate, she will understand the need to take the time to see if the two of you are a good fit for each other. Ask her what her goals and desires for her future are and see if they mesh with yours.
By being completely honest and open about what's in your mind and heart, You are laying the foundation for true intimacy and a solid base for a long relationship.

Dear Maxy , My parents divorced 10 years ago , my two sisters and I , are all in our 30s , reacted differently when Dad recently remarried . I was delighted to see him with someone else who makes him happy . My sisters , however declared that they want nothing to do with his new wife , although they'll keep seeing Dad. I told them their attitude is silly , childish and unworkable . Now they have turned on me , claiming that I am "insensitive." What do you think ?Troubled 
Dear Troubled,
Your sisters may be acting out of 'misplaced loyalty' to your mom. On the other hand they could be behaving out of sheer jealousy because your father's attention will be diverted from them. They, perhaps, might even be worried that your dad will change his will and there will be less or nothing for them. Your sisters are not behaving maturely or in your dad's best interest. You, however, are genuinely being sensitive and caring.Whatever their agenda, you might best be served by simply telling your sisters that it's up to them how they choose to treat your dad and his wife. But you intend to warmly welcome your stepmother to the family because she makes your dad happy and that is the important thing. Nothing more needs to be said. Hopefully they will come around in time, but don't count on it.
Do let your dad and his wife know how you feel. The sooner the better.

Dear Maxy ,
I am a 14-year-old high school freshman is depressed about my future . As a result of my premature birth , I have a heart defect and lung problems and am very small for my age .
Recently my family went to a local park . It was humid and I was so worn out that my older brother let me ride on his back . Some classmates saw me and thought it was funny , so all the girls at school have nicknamed me "Baby."
But what really depresses me is the thought that I'm always going to be smaller than my peers . My doctor estimates that I probably won't grow taller than 5-foot-1 inch . I want to be a normal teenager . I want a girlfriend and to have fun hanging out with my friends .
Our school is having a freshman dance . I want to take a date , but every girl I have asked has turned me down and some have even laughed at me . One female friend told me girls think I'm cute , but they will be embarrassed to be seen with me . I am scared this is how things are going to be foe me . I don't want to live a lonely life . I want to have kids someday . I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide , but I would never do that to my family . Any advice on how I can make myself taller so girls will stop seeing me as a little kid ?
Too Small
Dear Too Small ,
I won't lie to you . It is a bit more difficult for men of small stature to attract women . Our society has a stereo-type, an image of a couple consisting of a taller male and smaller female, but fortunately, this is changing, just like all the other outdated misconceptions we hold. You see so many couples with a taller lady these days, that it is accepted without a glance.
Fourteen year old girls are very immature and much influenced by image but they do mature eventually and start to appreciate men for far more important things. 
The fact that you are writing to me, tells me that this is affecting your self esteem. Let me make one thing clear; you are a normal teenager. You just need a morale boost and a change of attitude. Think about the boys in your school who do get the girls. They have confidence, they believe in themselves and they have a 'don't give a darn' attitude. Girls are very attracted to that kind of confidence. If you seem too needy or nervous, that will discourage them even more than your height does. If your height is a big issue with you then it will be a big issue with the girls .
The ladies also love a guy with a lot of personality and a great sense of humor. Be friendly and face the world with a nice white smile. These things can be developed without losing the essence of your true self. Just be the best that you can be and still be comfortable in your own skin.
You are still growing and you will get stronger, so try not to take the rejection of superficial teenaged girls too seriously. It's not essential to have a  girlfriend at fourteen, and honestly, we have all been rejected many times in our lives.
Once you are out of high school, things will be a lot easier. Older girls look for deeper, lasting qualities in a man and the right lady will come along for you. Be patient.
For inspiration, consider all these famous, diminutive men who are not exactly towering over you ... guys like: Prince, Jon Stewart, Tom Cruise, Martin Scorsese, Kevin Hart, Ringo Starr, Dustin Hoffman, George Stephanopoulos, Paul Simon, James Madison, Seth Green, Joe Pesci, Robin Williams, Al Pacino, Danny DeVito, Bruno Mars, Martin Short, Daniel Radcliffe, Michael J Fox, Richard Dreyfuss, Mel Brooks, David Spade, Woody Allen, Beethoven, Truman Capote, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Ghandi, Elton John, Nikita Khrushchev, Andrew Carnegie, Yuri Gagarin ( first astronaut) and millions more.  Their height didn't hold them back from anything.

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