Getting Old is No Laughing Matter

Doctor: "Sir, I have some bad news; you have been diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimers." Old man: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"


A 97 year old man goes to an insurance company and says to the agent: “Hello son, I want to buy a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry, if it seems  rude, but why do you want to have life insurance?”
My son and I have to go to Europe with my father.”
 Even more perplexed the agent, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what are going to do you in Europe?”
 He answers: “We're going to my grandfather's wedding.”
 Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Ummm, 150.”
 The agent, ready for anything now, asks: “I see, but how come your grandfather wants to get married at his age?”
“His parents are pressuring him to make an honest woman out of her!”


Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home, when a senile old geezer walked by, and one of the old ladies yelled,
“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess, you old fools.
” One of the old grannies said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we will tell you your exact age.”
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The grannies asked him to spin around a couple of times, jump up and down several times and then stand on his head. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent looked gob smacked and asked,
“How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and laughing until tears rolled down their cheeks, the three old ladies happily hollered in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”


My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support. Hahahaha! ( I didn't... really)


Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”


An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”


A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”


A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"