Thursday, July 17, 2014
Dear Maxy ,
My mother-in-law has suffered from dementia for 10 years . This wonderful, loving woman did not receive the care she should have and as a result her quality of life is worse than it need to be. I have some advice for family members when a loved one receives the dreaded diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer's:
You need to learn about the illness and you need to make a plan . Pretending the person is not sick doesn't help . It makes life harder for them . I never realized how powerful a forced denial could be until I witnessed my father-in-law's absolute refusal to change anything about their life .
Expecting her to keep cooking, leaving her alone, etc., were truly acts of cruelty .
Realize that your loved one is not going to get better. He or she may stay the same for a long time, or may steadily get worse, but they are not going to improve . You need to keep them safe and anticipate that they may do things they have never done before ... like wander, take the wrong medicines or let a stranger in the house .
Get help, join a support group or contact your council on aging . We hired a wonderful dementia coach who helps families figure out what to . It is possible for the sick person to enjoy the things that they are able to do if they are given support . Try to avoid isolation, for the sick person as well as the care giver . Don't turn down offers of help .
The In-Law
Dear In-Law ,
Thank you for taking the time to write and guide others who are in a similar situation . I hope anyone affected by this disease will contact the Alzheimer's Association at alz.org . Their website has a wealth of information for dementia and Alzheimer's . There is also a 24/7 Helpline at 1-800-272-3900.
And remember, if you show someone compassion , you may receive some when you need it most.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
My wife and I are a little concerned about our 30-year-old daughter, "Amber." Every day she spends an hour brushing her teeth and five full minutes washing her hands and then rechecks the same things about five times .
Amber says she can't control it and it's hard to stop . This has been going on for a little over a year . Is this something to be concerned about ? Is this just the way she is ? Any advice would be great .
Concerned Parents
Dear concerned Parents ,
Repetitive behaviors like this are obsessive-compulsive disorders . They are not uncommon .
However, OCD behavior can become worse over time and it helps to get treatment as soon as possible . You or Amber can contact the International OCD Foundation ( ocfoundation.org )
for more information and referrals to therapists who specialize in dealing with this problem . Get better Amber; I will be thinking of you .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
My friend is dating someone I dated casually a few years ago . It's perfectly OK with me, but she says that she wants all of us to be friends and even possibly double-date . If we do double-date, what is the best course of action to make sure it isn't awkward ? Do I joke around any past issues, or just pretend they never happened ?
Retread
Dear Retread ,
What's most important is for you to let your friend know that you previously dated this guy so that it doesn't come as a surprise to her . You say that it was causal dating, but then you mention "past issues." You have to decide your level of comfort as it relates to becoming friendly with him again . You must also think of your friend's comfort level and your ex date's. It could get awkward. Just because your friend wants you to double-date does not mean that you must do so .
If you do want to give it a try, go out as a group and pledge to stay in the moment . There should be no reason for you to bring up old memories . Joking around about old issues from your dating history is unnecessary, and probably a bad move that will lead to distress for everyone .
No need to pretend your dating history never happened . But do not dwell in the past . Live fully in the here and now .
Maxy
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