Christmas Ho Ho's

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise man came from afar.'"

If you see a fat man…
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

Santa Claus is a woman because:

• Most men don’t even think about gifts until Christmas Eve and then go for a last-minute shopping spree.
• A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
• Men can’t pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity threatened… to be seen with a bunch of elves in tights.
• Men don’t answer their mail.
• Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
• Finally.... being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
•  

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a full life with her Prince, who had passed away the year before, she sat in her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

 

 One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

 

 Cinderella is taken aback, and after some thoughtful consideration she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

 

 The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and beautiful again". At once, her wish became reality, her beautiful, youthful face and body returned to her.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten as vitality began to course through her veins.

 Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: "You have one more wish, What shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said:

"I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

 Magically, Alan transformed into a boy so beautiful, the like of which she nor the world had ever seen before. He was so fair that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

 

 The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blaze of bright blue lightning, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear, and whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath..... "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

We were so poor in our house when I was young, that on Christmas morning, if you didn’t wake up with a hard-on, you had nothing to play with!

 

I just got my son a pile of cardboard for Christmas. Although, what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

 

Only sixteen shopping days ’til Christmas! Or if you’re a guy – only fifteen and a half days ’til you start your Christmas shopping.

 

The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy.

 

I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

 

I'm buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included”.

 

Just a reminder in these tough economic times, that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars........ Make that twenty, you cheap-ass jerk.

 

I’ve been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it…you judgmental, fat bastard!

 

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day

 

Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas….It’s a great position all year round!

 

 Have I been NAUGHTY or NICE ?.....Define NAUGHTY.

 

Remember, when the hustle and bustle of Christmas is giving you a tension headache...STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards.

Happy Holidays