Favorite Oneliners and a Joke

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y."
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting!"
 9)  Headline...Crime in multi-storey parking garage...." That's just wrong on so many levels".
 10)"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped
 playing chess."
11)"I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death."

In the morning Tom calls his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I can't come to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, my joints are swollen, my back  hurts and I'm dizzy, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you at the office today. When I feel like that I go to my wife, and ask her to give me some sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.