When Murphy Died....3

Is it true that 'only the good die young'? Perhaps, in some people, the spiritual self is stronger than the corporeal self and calls them away from this earthly plane before they have lived and loved and grown old and disillusioned. When Murphy died my world spun out of control. My life was torn in half. When Murphy died I remember standing outside on a freezing winter's day and screaming to the sky,"You bastard!" To whom or what I directed my anguish, I do not know.
It was bizarre, the way she died; so unexpected, a chance in a million.

In our senior year we were separated for the first time. I don't know if it was by chance or choice that we were put in different classes. Perhaps the faculty thought it would be best for us to break up Tweedledum and Tweedledee. I wondered who would wake Murphy for attendance taking every morning. I found out from Murph that she had a new and faithful monitor. It was Don Shuster, the geeky but sweet guy who drove gaggles of kids around in his truck. He became a good friend of Murphy's and gradually of mine. He lived on a farm practically on the town line. We went to lunch out there with him and his geeky but  very sweet parents. The farm became one of our favorite places to hang out. Mrs Shuster always had pies and fresh home made bread. From that family we learned patience and a love of making things grow from the earth. And we learned that being quiet, listening to the birds and just being at peace was a good thing.
Late one night, I was once again awakened by a 'tap, tap, tap'on my window. I wasn't afraid this time. I knew who it was but I didn't want to open the window. I assumed she had brought some more tragic news to share with me and I was tired. I peeked through the curtains and saw her grinning at me. "Open up,"she mouthed.
I opened the window and said, "What the hell do you want at two in the morning?"
"We did it,"she announced.
"Did what?"I asked, confused and sleep befuddled.
"Graham and I did 'IT', Stooopid. Wake up."
"GEEZ! Get in here." I hauled her through the window.
We  believed we were the only virgins left in the senior class. She never liked anyone enough before now to give away her innocence and I felt the same way, plus I was a little scared. I asked her how it felt and she said it hurt.
"Well, when the hurt went away did it feel good?"
"The hurt didn't go away. It lasted the whole time."
"Then why do you look so pleased with yourself?"
"Oh, it's not important. I'll get used to it and he seemed to think it was nice. The really important thing is that Graham and I are getting married before we go to university and then we can live and study together and I won't be all alone in Hamilton.
I was disappointed that she hadn't enjoyed the sex. We had great expectations and had promised to tell each other everything when we, finally, were initiated into that, much discussed, adult pleasure.

I didn't know how I felt about her getting married so soon. I think I felt left out and maybe even a bit jealous but I tried to be enthusiastic about her pie-in-the-sky plans. When she perched on the window sill and slipped back into the night, I laid down and tried to sort out my feelings. I felt that Murphy was growing up faster than I and leaving me behind. We were still very close but I had noticed that she had a few new friends in her class and they were all making very mature decisions about what universities they wished to go to. I was still uncertain about my future.

I don't think I have mentioned that Murphy was a little vain. She was always fussing with her glorious golden mane and she was proud of her perfect porcelain skin. She had a medium sized mole at the top of her thigh. It showed just below her bikini so she decided winter was a good time to have it removed, giving it lots of time to heal before summer. She told me one morning that I would be taking music lessons alone the next day while she spent an hour or so at the hospital.
After the mole was removed she decided she was going to look into breast enhancement. I told her she was crazy; she was stunningly beautiful. No one was perfect and Graham loved her just as she was. A week or two after the mole surgery she said didn't feel well. She was tired and felt run down, like she had the flu. She was excused from school and went home.
 I called her house the next day when she didn't show at school. No one was home. No one answered  the phone the next day or the next. I had a sickening  feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I just knew Murphy was very ill.
Mrs Murphy called me about a week later and asked me to go to the hospital to visit Lianne as soon as I could. She wouldn't tell me anything more; just that she needed a little cheering up. I wrote down the directions and room number and said goodbye. I felt so numb inside. I didn't sleep and I had a horrible premonition that Murphy might be dying.
I left for the hospital as soon as possible the next day. I brought a teddy bear to keep her company. Murphy looked pale, sad and she had an IV drip in her arm. Her eyes looked huge and she looked like she had shrunk a bit. She saw me and she smiled a big Murphy grin. I felt tears welling behind my eyes but struggled to hold them back. I was there to make her feel better.
"What took you so long to get here?" she quipped.
"I didn't know where you were. I thought maybe you eloped."
"I thought about it," she said,"but Niagara Falls is colder than a witche's tits this time of year; cold enough to freeze the balls off a stone penguin; cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Peace Bridge."
"Okay, okay. What's wrong with you? And tell me all of it."
"I'm dying Jeannie. Shit! shit! shit! I'm dying."
To actually hear the words spoken aloud felt like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat. I was too stunned to speak. I tried to collect my thoughts, tried be strong for her but for the rest of the visit I couldn't do much more than hold her hand and listen to her. In my mind, a refrain echoed in a big cold place. "It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair."

The mole didn't have the usual physical characteristics of a melanoma. I don't think the mole was biopsied before they removed it. In any case, It had been excised. The surgery had somehow stimulated it to metastasize and spread the cancer to her lymphatic system.
From that point the spread was very rapid. At that time there was not much they could do for Murphy. It spread to her lungs first then her liver.
The cards and floral tributes arrived daily from dozens of people. I had no idea that she was so beloved. The teachers came to visit, the students and even the principal. I was there every day and I saw people turn away with tears in their eyes. I knew they were thinking it was tragic because she was so young, beautiful and special and had so much to give. She received dozens of teddy bears which she donated to the children's wing. The flowers she sent to old or terminal patients.
Her father had been notified and every day she asked her mother if he had called. He didn't. She received a vase of roses from him and a get well card, that was all. Graham disappointed her too. He came to visit but he looked uncomfortable and didn't stay long. I think he couldn't bear seeing her in pain and he seemed to be in denial about her dying because he talked to her as if she was going to get well soon.


By the time the cancer reached her brain she was wasting away and was very weak. She said to me in a wispy voice," He's not going to come is he Jeannie?"I held her hand tightly. She went blind a week after those sadly whispered words. Then she became deaf. She stopped talking. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to get away for a day or two.
I went to a party at Greg's. His parties were the best. I felt guilty the whole time.
When I went to the hospital the next day she was in a coma and her mother told me she wanted to take her off life support. Turns out it wasn't necessary. Murphy died that afternoon. After I screamed at the heavens and cried until I was so hoarse I couldn't speak for days, I tried to help her mom. The high school held a special memorial service for her and had a plaque with Murphy's name and a tribute from all the people who loved her mounted on a stand and placed in the mezzanine of the school. To this day, it's still the first thing you see when you walk into the building. No one else has ever been honored in that way in all these years.
The rest of the winter dragged on like it would never end and I stayed in my cocoon of grief and misery. Finally, spring came and the sun awakened all the sleeping trees and flowers. A beautiful summer followed and I found myself walking along the edge of the water at port Elgin. I had not wanted to go, but my loyal friend and savior, Don Shuster, had insisted. He walked silently beside me.
I suddenly felt a little lighter as if a burden was being gradually lifted from my heart. I felt her walking beside us, picking up shells and she seemed happy. She was laughing at me. I think she was telling me to lighten up; everything was going to be okay.
The aroma of  whatever Greg was cooking wafted on the breeze, tantalizing and beckoning. We turned back. I was very hungry.
Why am I telling this story now, at the time of the year we celebrate new beginnings ? .... When Murphy died... it was New Year's Day.

Keep a light in the window Murph old friend. I'm not far behind you now.....Jeannie.