Men vs Women

Relationships:

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like idiots

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eys, groan, and go make coffee.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most seven items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from theHoliday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than a dancer's ass. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup, decides which shoes to wear....etc.

Cats:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that Starbuck's."

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

Nudity in Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.This is another reason why men hate him.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man will water the plants.The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches: Brad Pitt, Richard Gere.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.If Gloria, Suzanne, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Bung-hole.

So we're different; thank goodness.