Chuckles from 2015

Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

 

 Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

 

Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t studied for.

Ian Smith: If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

Tom Ward: I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Ally Houston: Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means “me”.

James Acaster: Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking, that’s my only criticism.

Funny - not a one-liner:

Nathan Caton: I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. I walked out and said: "Hello. My name's Nathan Caton. I'll tell you a bit about myself. I still live at home with my family ..." And as soon as I said it the whole audience went "Booooo!" That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.


A little tribute to Mitch Hedburg

 I don't wear a watch....I want my arms to weigh the same

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!

I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying.  What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two,
you are an asshole.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope.We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals.

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that.
Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing
it up, it's for a duck!


Goodnight Mitch - Thanks for the laughter