Dear Maxy ,
My son had a friend over for a sleepover and I noticed that this boy was cursing . I do not allow cursing in my house. These boys are 11 -years-old . I know they are in that experimental age, but I don't care . I think it's important for my son to understand what the rules of our house are, and more, for anyone who is in our house to follow them . When I spoke to this boy about cleaning up his language while he was in my house, he complied but my son was so embarrassed he sulked . How can I reinforce my rules without embarrassing my boy ?
Follow the Rules
Dear Follow the Rules ,
You can empower your son . Sit down and talk to him about the incident . Tell him that he can help enforce your family's rules by letting his friends know in advance what the guidelines are . If he gives his friends the heads-up and they honor the rules, you will not need to step in . Let him know that and let him know you trust him. He may appreciate having this role . It may help both of you avoid future embarrassment .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
My wife and I have lost contact with our son . He is a recovering addict. As far as we know, he has maintained a job and I hope has been able to stay clean . He has moved to a city about four hours away with his new girlfriend and I am sure she is keeping him in line .
My wife is heart broken . We maintain a room for him in our home until he was almost 30-years-old . He was always close to his mother and they would speak on a daily basis . Now, he doesn't call or take our calls or emails and never accepts cards or letters . He said he needed space when he left and that was a year ago . My wife grieves as though he has passed, crying at night, wondering what happened to her son . What should I do to relieve the pain ? Should we keep trying to contact him ? We don't understand how he can be so hurtful ?
Tears on Vermont
Dear Tears,
I am so sorry that your son has chosen to cut off contact but you cannot force him to stay in touch . Are you in touch with the girlfriend ? Is she a reliable partner, or might she be abusive ? Even so, he is an adult and you can only do so much without his cooperation . He is entitled to live how he pleases.
In the meantime, please consider counseling . You are grieving and worried and you need to move forward so your son's absence doesn't become the focus of your daily life . It will not be easy . But I recommend that you keep sending your son emails and cards, just saying you love him and that you will always be available should he decide to contact you . I think he will ... Soon .
*As an after-thought, consider this...perhaps the girl friend has replaced your son's mother as someone to lean on. She may be a strong maternal presence. And she may be the one responsible for him turning his life around. And that is something to celebrate.
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
My husband and I were great friends with my sister and her husband . When we separated, my ex continued to hang out with them because they liked to drink and do drugs together . After the divorce, they stopped seeing him .
I found out they rekindled the friendship when my sister met his new wife at a party for one of my grandchildren . That was a year ago . I feel betrayed, hurt, angry and very disappointed . When I spoke to my sister, she said , "You're been divorced for a long time and your ex has been friends for years ." This is not true . Once the divorce was final, they had no contact until last year .
Am I wrong ? Is it all right for them to be friends again knowing how I feel ?
Kicked Again
Dear Kicked ,
I understand that you want your sister to be supportive, but if she and her husband have a relationship with your ex and his wife, it really is no longer your business . I know this is not what you want to hear, but trying to control someone else's friendships tends to backfire . Your sister is not a traitor to you and she still loves you.
Instead of convincing your sister to stop socializing with your ex, your protests will likely will create an estrangement between you and your sister . You can ask her not to invite him to family functions where you will be present . That is a reasonable request. However, since you have children (and grandchildren) with your ex, it is unrealistic to think you will never bump into them . It is in your best interests to learn how to tolerate their presence when necessary .
Maxy
Dear Readers ,
I am carrying on Ann Lander's tradition that April 3rd be set aside as Reconciliation Day, a time to make the first move toward mending broken relationships . It also is the day on which we should agree to accept the olive branch extended by a former friend or an estranged family member and do our best to start over . Best regards
Maxy
Howdy PIC ,
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