Dear Maxy ,
What has happened to the politeness, courtesy and respect that we instilled in our children but somehow got lost down the tree?
My grandson, who is 8, has talked back to his mother for as long as I can remember . My daughter is divorced from the boy's father . The father remarried and has custody because my daughter couldn't handle him . The boy now tells her that he doesn't want her to attend his school functions .
The father badmouths my daughter in front of my grandson .
What exactly should she do with respect to correcting her son ? It's getting so out of hand that I fear for her future relationship with him . Should I step in ? These parents are in their 30s and should be able to figure out these things for themselves .
Grandfather Who is Worried
Dear Grandfather,
I agree with you about the decline of courtesy and respect . It is a far different world now, often with two stressed out, working parents or a single parent with children left to be raised by indifferent daycare . Kids are also exposed to a lot of television, videos and internet and they are influenced by these media. They copy what they see in front of them . Good attitudes and behavior are observed rather than taught .
A good rule of thumb is, always be the kind of person you want your kids to be . If you want your child to be respectful, considerate and kind, then you need to be respectful, considerate and kind . They are always watching and learning from your behavior . The second rule is to apply firm but fair discipline, balanced by equal amounts of love and affection . And be generous with praise for good behavior .
Above all, children need consistent rules and guidelines to follow and they are happier when they know their limits. Otherwise, they will keep testing to see how far they can go. I think in your grandson's case, discipline may have been a problem . I can only speculate .
There might be a couple of other underlying problems too . It is traumatic enough for a child whose parents have divorced, but if there is continuing, hostile conflict between the parents, it will definitely hurt the child emotionally . And your grandson now has to deal with a stepmother too . All in all, it's a lot for the little guy to handle .
Children in these situations usually act out in some way . It might be behavior problems, anxiety, school problems or a host of others . I think he needs professional counseling and so do his parents .
If you 'stepped in', you may not be welcomed, but by all means ask your daughter if you can help and perhaps suggest that you find a good family counselor for her . If you can, spend a bit more time with your grandson, one on one . Has he ever been fishing ? You may be the best example he has to follow .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I am a married man living in New Jersey . My retired parents live in Pennsylvania and my older sister lives not far from them .
Last November, my wife and I bought a new house . My parents wanted to see our new house . They rely on my sister to drive them long distances, so she sent an email with the details . She also asked , "Is there anything we can bring?" I responded that she could bring four of our family's favorite sandwiches for lunch . The next night , she sent me a nasty email asking how could I expect them to bring lunch . She said it's the host job to provide something to eat .
Maxy , I've gone to their houses many times and I have always brought these sandwiches because I know everyone likes them . After receiving that nasty email from my sister, I told her she is no longer welcome here . Now my parents say I am the bad guy and should have bit the bullet and provided lunch on my own . Was I wrong ?
Offended Brother
Dear Brother ,
While the host should provide refreshments, this is family, and such things can be treated informally . The fact that you've brought sandwiches is generous, but that was your choice, not theirs . And your sister should not have asked about bringing something if she was not willing to comply. Her email was rude and incendiary, and your response shoved the argument into the stratosphere . These arguments tend to escalate if not resolved right away. You should each apologize . I suggest you swallow your pride and take the first step before this estrangement becomes permanent.
Don't lose a beloved family member over a trivial gripe. Your parents stand to lose the most.
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
I had a party and invited everyone via email . Can I send thank-you notes to them for attending and for their gifts via e-mal too ?
Protocol Please
Dear Protocol Please ,
Whereas a handwritten note used to be standard for saying thank you, times have changed . If all the guests were invited via e-mail then use that for communicating your thanks, they will likely be just as happy receiving a note of gratitude in that way .
Maxy
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