Dear Maxy,
I have three wonderful young adult children . The oldest 2 girls both recently graduated from college and are living at home working and saving money .
The girls were not particularly interested in dating until recently .
The oldest met a guy at work and has fallen hard . She's always been family oriented , but for the past three months, all she wants to do is be with this guy 24/7 . She spends most nights at his place and we don't see her at all on the weekends .
This behavior does not sit well with me . I don't think it's a good idea to spend the night with your boyfriend so early in the relationship . I also don't like that she disregards her family , especially her younger sister with whom she had a special relationship .
My position is , if she's still living at home, she should come home to sleep . She can run round with this guy the rest of the day .
I understand I may have some old fashioned values, but allowing my daughter to live with her boyfriend on a part-time basis shows no respect for my position and is hard for me to swallow . I normally have a great relationship with her, but I haven't seen or spoken to her in more that three weeks .
I'm concerned that if I ask her to have dinner with us more often and spend time with family on weekends , she will resent it and it willl make matters worse . Am I out of line ?
Concerned Dad
Dear Dad,
be careful , Dad . Your daughter is now a grown woman . The lack of prior dating could be one reason why she is so over the moon for the new boyfriend . You apparently don't object to her having sex . You simply miss the girl she used to be .
It's OK for you to say you don't wish to subsidize her living with her boyfriend, but I hope you will do so in a loving way, letting her know you miss her at dinnertime . But I also recommend you invite the boyfriend to join you for meals and weekend activities . This will not only encourange your daughter's participation , but it will allow you to get to know the man who may become your son-in-law .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
My oldest sister is very selfish . She has three children but never wants to spend time with them . My sister is in her early forties and acts as if she is 16 . She is only concerned with herself and what others can do for her .
She and her husband are always going out and foisting their children on everyone else . When we don't watch her kids , she gets angry and then tells the kids we don't love them . Unfortunately , my sister lives in the same town as my parents . I'll like to visit my folks , but I'll like to avoid my sister . Is that wrong ?
Helpless Sibling
Dear Sibling ,
I know it will be difficult, but I urge you to remain civil to your sister for the sake of her children . They need you . Since you don't live nearby , her selfishness should be manageable in small doses on rare occasions . Please try .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I am in an inter-racial relationship . I date a black woman with kids . We've been together for almost two years and my family doesn't agree with the relationship .
They think we should break up . We really love each other and her family seems to like me and is accepting of the relationship . My family doesn't feel the same way and wishes things were different . I don't know what to do . Any suggestions ?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
It is embarrassing to learn that people in our country continue to have discriminatory thoughts and feelings about people of other races . I can only imagine how challenging this is for you .
Because it is your family that is against your relationship, I can see how tough it must be for you to build your relationship and have peace .
You need to figure out what you want . If you believe that you, your girlfriend and her children have a future together, claim that and let your family know . Speak frankly to them so they know exactly how much she and the children mean to you. If they love you and want you to be happy, they may come around to accepting your choice of a partner. If, given time, they don't accept her and you are sure you want to spend your life with her, you may have to consider distancing yourself from your family to avoid incidents that might hurt or humiliate you and/or your girlfriend.
Maxy
I have three wonderful young adult children . The oldest 2 girls both recently graduated from college and are living at home working and saving money .
The girls were not particularly interested in dating until recently .
The oldest met a guy at work and has fallen hard . She's always been family oriented , but for the past three months, all she wants to do is be with this guy 24/7 . She spends most nights at his place and we don't see her at all on the weekends .
This behavior does not sit well with me . I don't think it's a good idea to spend the night with your boyfriend so early in the relationship . I also don't like that she disregards her family , especially her younger sister with whom she had a special relationship .
My position is , if she's still living at home, she should come home to sleep . She can run round with this guy the rest of the day .
I understand I may have some old fashioned values, but allowing my daughter to live with her boyfriend on a part-time basis shows no respect for my position and is hard for me to swallow . I normally have a great relationship with her, but I haven't seen or spoken to her in more that three weeks .
I'm concerned that if I ask her to have dinner with us more often and spend time with family on weekends , she will resent it and it willl make matters worse . Am I out of line ?
Concerned Dad
Dear Dad,
be careful , Dad . Your daughter is now a grown woman . The lack of prior dating could be one reason why she is so over the moon for the new boyfriend . You apparently don't object to her having sex . You simply miss the girl she used to be .
It's OK for you to say you don't wish to subsidize her living with her boyfriend, but I hope you will do so in a loving way, letting her know you miss her at dinnertime . But I also recommend you invite the boyfriend to join you for meals and weekend activities . This will not only encourange your daughter's participation , but it will allow you to get to know the man who may become your son-in-law .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
My oldest sister is very selfish . She has three children but never wants to spend time with them . My sister is in her early forties and acts as if she is 16 . She is only concerned with herself and what others can do for her .
She and her husband are always going out and foisting their children on everyone else . When we don't watch her kids , she gets angry and then tells the kids we don't love them . Unfortunately , my sister lives in the same town as my parents . I'll like to visit my folks , but I'll like to avoid my sister . Is that wrong ?
Helpless Sibling
Dear Sibling ,
I know it will be difficult, but I urge you to remain civil to your sister for the sake of her children . They need you . Since you don't live nearby , her selfishness should be manageable in small doses on rare occasions . Please try .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I am in an inter-racial relationship . I date a black woman with kids . We've been together for almost two years and my family doesn't agree with the relationship .
They think we should break up . We really love each other and her family seems to like me and is accepting of the relationship . My family doesn't feel the same way and wishes things were different . I don't know what to do . Any suggestions ?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
It is embarrassing to learn that people in our country continue to have discriminatory thoughts and feelings about people of other races . I can only imagine how challenging this is for you .
Because it is your family that is against your relationship, I can see how tough it must be for you to build your relationship and have peace .
You need to figure out what you want . If you believe that you, your girlfriend and her children have a future together, claim that and let your family know . Speak frankly to them so they know exactly how much she and the children mean to you. If they love you and want you to be happy, they may come around to accepting your choice of a partner. If, given time, they don't accept her and you are sure you want to spend your life with her, you may have to consider distancing yourself from your family to avoid incidents that might hurt or humiliate you and/or your girlfriend.
Maxy
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