Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am a 57 year-old man with no siblings and my mother is deceased . My 82-year old father is physically healthy, but he's in the early stages of dementia . He has a few hobbies to keep him busy, but for some reason, he has become obsessed with me .
Dad has become rather "needy." Sometimes he calls me two three times a day, even when I'm at work . He insists I go to his house everyday, even if there is no particular reason .
I know Dad is probably lonely, but still . He doesn't have a lot of friends due to his attitude and sharp tongue . He has become demanding, insisting I do things immediately rather than when I have the time . He also has grown very mean-mouthed and pouts if he doesn't get his way .
This is getting to me and putting a strain on my family . What do you suggest ?
Crazy in Kansas
Dear Kansas ,
I think your Dad is frightened . He knows he is slipping and finds reassurance in your constant presence . Dementia also can affect his personality . Call and visit him when you can . When you don't have time to run errands, calmly and repeatedly say that you will get to them on the weekend ( or whenever) and follow through . Ignore the rants . I also suggest you go with him to his next doctor's appointment and discuss your concerns . And please contact the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org) for information on resources and assistance because this is likely to get more difficult for you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I have a blended family with his two girls and my three sons . I was so grateful that we both took this challenge .
We had some good times and we had some bad times and when I say bad I mean horrible . Our children are all adults now, and we are still butting heads over them, mostly my boys .
He has given up on two of my sons because he says they don't respect him , not to mention some less than legal activity they decided to embark on in our home while we were on vacation .
But Maxy, I feel as if he has never really cared for them . I try to help them with rides or letting them wash their clothes at our house or whatever I can .
People mature at different levels and maybe I help too much , but they are my kids . At what point am I supposed to turn my back on them ?
My husband says that because I help them against his wishes, it means I love them more than him . That isn't true .
One son is homeless and has to look for a place to stay every night . That breaks my heart . My husband found him downstairs sleeping one morning and told me I better get him out or he would call the police . He won't even allow me to let my son shower here .
I realize the boys need to make it on their own, but am I supposed to turn my back on them when they need help ?
At what point do you give up on your kids and choose your husband instead ? I feel like such a horrible mom .
Worried
Dear Worried ,
Your husband should not be issuing ultimatums wherein you must choose between the man you love and the children you love .
This is unfair and creates tremendous reseentment . Your husband may have good cause to want the kids out the house, but it's difficult to do when they have no place to go . How old are they ?
Do they have jobs? Would you temporarily assist with their rent if you got them out your house ? Are there substance-abuse issues that need treatment ? Try 'Because I Love You' (bily.org), and ask your husband to work with you on this .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I walked in on a conversation that my 9-year-old daughter had with one of her friends . The girls were saying some bad things about one of their classmates because she wore the same clothes just about everyday of the week . I was disappointed and shocked . I did not raise her to judge people by what they wear . I am fortunate enough to have resources to make sure my children are properly clothed . I think I may need to teach my children a lesson about helping the less fortunate . Do you have any suggestions ?
Mom in Shock
Dear Mom in Shock,
By all means go back to your daughter . Ask her to tell you what she and her friend were discussing . Prompt her to be forthcoming about their conversation and gently nudge her toward revealing more about the other student and her circumstances .
Next ask her about her life and the privileges that she receives . Do these things make her "better than" the other girl ? Chances are she will say "yes" because you have been teaching her otherwise . Point out that making fun of someone less fortunate than you, is cruel . Have your daughter consider how she would feel if someone were speaking about her in that way . Do some role playing with her so that the impact of the unkind words become real to her . Make it crystal clear that you do not condone such behavior . Instead of criticizing, let her know you would prefer that she offer the student some clothing or other necessities to help make her life easier .
Maxy