Ask Maxy

The PICS would like to express our gratitude to Nana for being our guest and gracing our column with her touches of wisdom. She truly added another dimension to Ask Maxy and she has set the bar for us. We shall try to live up to it in the future. Thanks Nana.

Dear Maxy,
I am a 21-year old female, quite independent, happy and full of life. Last year I started dating "Luke," age 26.
We hit it off great, and I fell in love. But two months ago, something changed.
Luke recently started a new company. One day, he decided he needed a break from our relationship to focus on his business. He made me promise to stay faithful. After three weeks, we started arguing.
I found it stupid that I was supposed to remain faithful while he was out partying every weekend, going to bars and clubs. He kept texting my sister, saying he didn’t want to be with me. When I’d confront him, he’d say he was only kidding. I tried hard to work this out.
Two weeks ago, we planned to hang out, but Luke didn’t answer my calls. I finally had enough and sent him a text ending things completely.
Maxy, the entire two months we were apart, I was a wreck.
I still can’t stop thinking about him. I know I did the right thing by breaking it off. But sometimes, I am filled with regret, as if I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend. How can I be happy again without faking it? —

Lost in My Heart
Dear Lost in Mt Heart ,
This has nothing to do with your value as a girlfriend. Luke was simply not the right guy. He didn’t have the courage to break things off in an honest way and made himself repeatedly unavailable, hoping you’d take the initiative and let him go. It is natural for you to grieve the end of a relationship that you expected to last. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, pamper yourself, and "fake it until you make it." Time will heal this. I promise.
Maxy
Nana says
Luke was a coward, he was spiteful and sneaky. He made your life miserable so you would break off with him and he wouldn't have to do the decent thing or suffer your tears. Don't waste precious time grieving over someone like that. The best cure is to go out and have some fun with your friends even if you think you don't feel like it. The world is full of decent, honorable men and there is one out there waiting for you. Try to use a little better judgement next time you pick one.

Dear Maxy ,
My fourthgrader is learning a lot about the history of our country, and this month the curriculum has been focused on segregation and the Jim Crow South.
As he brings home the stories they are learning, I am happy to know that the school is taking this part of his education seriously. But I also have been upset by some of the stories of racial discrimination in our nation. It’s not that I didn’t know about this stuff, but I hate that my child has to be exposed to some of these awful parts of our past at such a young age. How can I talk about this topic without getting upset? —
Unsettled Mom
Dear Unsettled Mom,
I do not think you should try to cover up your emotional reaction to the material your son is learning. Part of our history is painful, especially as it relates to discrimination.

Do not diminish the horror of the stories that your son is bringing home. Instead, let him recount to you what he has learned. If you are not fully up to speed on the stories, do research with him to learn more. Ask your son to share his feelings about the information he is learning in class. Tell him how it makes you feel. Be as honest as you can. If you have personal stories that reflect discrimination, share one or two that will give your son insight into what you or your family have endured.
Bottom line: This discussion is a great thing. To know our history is to be empowered.
Be sure your son understands that.

Maxy
Nana says
Maxy is absolutely right. This is a necessary lesson for your son to learn. Slavery and racism are  woven into the tapestry of America. Let him see it upsets you. What he learns at your knee now are the fundamental beliefs that will follow him all of his life and he will pass them on to his children. That is how we keep moving forward to a better future.

Dear Maxy,
Two weeks ago, my sister became really sick and rushed to the hosiptal . Another sister and I went to visit her . The doctor told us that she had not spoken in five days and her organs were beginning to fail . The doctor told us it is only a matter of time before she passes away .
I almost fainted when I heard the news , but I'm still recovering from our mother's sudden passing . I'm hurt because my sister and I have not had the best relationship over the years and I wish it were better . In the meantime, how can I make peace with my sister before she dies ?
Brokenhearted
Dear Brokenhearted,
As long as your sister is alive, you can talk to her with the intention of healing your wounds . Spend as much time as you can by her side . tell her that you love her and you are so sad she has become ill .
Apologize for anything you may have said or done over the years that could have been hurtful . Let her know that you forgive her for anything she may have said or done .
This does not mean that you will miraculously be freed of old wounds or memories, but you have the opportunity, while she is still alive, choose to release things from your past . Even if your sister does not respond, continue to talk to her . Tell her stories of joyful experiences in your life .
Maxy
Nana says
I have to disagree with Maxy a little. If your sister is dying, don't waste time rehashing old arguments or placing blame or asking for forgiveness. That is just to ease your own guilt. This is not all about you. Dying is the most traumatic event in a lifetime and should be made as gentle and as easy a transition as you can possibly make it for her and I know that is asking a lot of you. Talk to her, by all means, hold her hand, stroke her forehead and kiss her. Human touch is soothing and reassuring. Talk about wonderful things: times you shared as kids that were happy or funny. Give her happy thoughts and create pictures in her mind that will bring pleasure to her. And above all, tell her over and over that you have always loved her and you always will. If you do all that for her, closure will come to you.