Thursday, October 18, 2012
Dear Maxy ,
I have been friends with "Greg" since we were kids . Things happend between Greg and me long ago , but the feelings aren't there anymore for either of us ...or so I thought .
I started talking with Greg's friend from college , "Charlie" and Charlie and I hit it off . Charlie lives in a different state, so whatever we had fell apart .
Recently, I started talking to Charlie again . Then I found out through Charlie that Greg doesn't like me talking with Charlie and that Greg has claimed me as "his girl." I'm disturbed by this , because I am not his girl , nor do I want to be .
How can I address this with Greg ? What should I do ?
Stuck in the Past
Dear Stuck in the Past ,
There are plenty of unwritten rules about dating the friends of an ex .
These rules are usually some variation of "stay away." It may not seem logical to keep a distance, especially if you and your ex have been apart for years . But it's not unusual for an old flame to believe that his or her friends are off-limits .
That Greg is laying claim to you is oddly aggressive, and it may result from some residual hurt feelings . That said , you have to step up and claim your future .
Start by contacting Greg and telling him that you did not mean to hurt his feeling by befriending Charlie . Remind him that you two have not been an item for years and you thought it was fine to hang out with Charlie . Express your sincere dismay that you may have upset the equilibrium in their friendship .
Listen to what he has to say . Let him know your plans before you hang up the phone .
Dear maxy ,
I love my dad , but he can be cruel . He is often trying to get me and my brothers (we're all in high school) to fist-fight with one another . After we fight, he praises the winner and expresses his disapppointment in the loser .
I don't know how to please my dad, and I don't enjoy fighting with my brothers . How can I get through to him ?
Dear Sad Son ,
If you have the courage to do so, stop fighting with your brothers . Tell your dad that you love him and them and that you don't want to fight anymore .
Work at developing a relationship with your dad . Do your best to carve out some one-on-one time with him . When you do anything together at all , thank him for taking the time to do it . He may begin to notice that he likes that special time, too .
Dear Maxy ,
I am applying to a program and need a recommendation from a professor . I emailed one of my favorite professors, asking for a recommendation and letting her know the deadline was in two weeks . She graciously agreed and said since she was busy , I should write the recommendation and give it to her to revise it and send .
Is it normal for a professor to ask the student to write the recommendation ? I am sort of uncomfortable with writing a recommendation for myself and then having her revise it .
I don't want to toot my own horn , nor do I want her to think I'm raving about myself . What should I do in this predicament ?
Dear Uncomfortable ,
I understand that you would prefer your professor to write the recommendation on your behalf . However , it is not unusual that she asked for help in this effort . In addition to being busy, the professor may not remember key highlights of your time together that you might think were valuable . Sometimes professors (or former employers) will ask to be reminded of important moments or projects that should be included in the recommendation . In this case, she has requested a complete document that can be edited . I say, go for it .