Have you ever seen an Italian nativity scene?
It has Jesus, Mary, and three wise guys.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss
HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!
An Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have a deep abiding faith in me, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
God said, "Your request is materialistic and very selfish. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?
They don't like any witnesses.
You Know You're Italian When:
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing."
I'm sorry G. As your son knows, I show no mercy....HA! BE AFRAID!
My dear sweet lady,
ReplyDeleteI will leave the recipe off for now because you are more to me than just food to eat, you are like a breath of fresh air.
I have heard a couple of the jokes. I can't wait to tell the first onr to my kin (brothers) they are speaking to me once again, who cares, I will put my sister on them(Mae) she's always spoiling for a fight.
You are so right, we don't like witnesses in no form or fashion.
My son says you are quite a lady and he has your artwork and poems in his office to show it, I was amazed at how close you drew my daughter, it looks so much like her,it's just uncanny.
I like the one of the valley of penises, the poem I like most is the one you wrote telling him to come home but be careful my daughter may be hiding in the closet or behind the door.
We italians do love our good food and drinks and my son had the good sense to marry a lady that can cook.
My dear lady I tried to get back last night but Gilly was having a fit and wanted all my attention so we slept at Joanna's .
My daughter said to tell you they will be in tomorrow (Sunday) and she hope the weather is nice so you can enjoy the lake with your dear husband and family.
I think she misses the kids because she haven't been away from them more than a night.
I will be talking with you more since I know how to get to you, I think I will make this one of my hobbies.
Dear lady you mentioned no two stories on the web are alike, no they are not, only the financial part has to be correct and the rest they make up to suit their fancy, no one knew I had a son until he was about 5 or 6 years old, when my brother-in-law was gun down we had to get my sister and her kids out of Queens as soon as possible, there comes a price in this business, but most of the older head is gone and now they are legal business men.(most of them anyway)
So dear lady until next time.
Big G.
Dear G...Those kids must be running you ragged. I took my twin grandsons home yesterday after a three day visit. I was exhausted.
ReplyDeleteAnd they were so loud I can still hear a ringing noise in my ears.As soon as they were gone, the house seemed so empty I wanted them back again. Before they left they gave me a medal with a ribbon on it that said 'BEST GRANDMA IN THE WORLD'.I put it on the fridge and every time I walk past it I get tears in my eyes. As you get older you realize this is what your life was all about, no matter what you achieved or what you had to go through to get here.They are the only thing that truly matters.
Fortunately, your son has a sense of humor.I have quite rudely poked fun at lawyers and he had the good grace to laugh and display the jokes in his office.Nee has a sense of humor too. That is something they share.I have found it to be important in a marriage.
And,no, your son is not P...Whipped. He is a strong man. He just chooses to be laid back until something else is called for.He had to be strong to take on Nee and her whole family.
We were so amazed up here that your personal documents are casually dispayed along with all the other information about you. We think it is an invasion of privacy, a personal violation. America is a very strange place. Okay to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
We also don't understand how the concept of racism has survived there 150 years after slavery was abolished.Mr Obama is sure fighting an up-hill battle.He's doing okay. We love him in Canada. He just has to remember he can't please everyone.
I have heard about the murder of your brother-in-law and how you rescued your sister and her children. I know you raised those kids like your own. God, G., can't you see what a wonderful story that is? I see Robert DeNiro playing the older you but I haven't figured out who could play the younger you.The younger actors are a bit sissy-like.
I tell you one thing, that Gilly is going to be a tough guy,with that Italian /Creole blood. That's a pretty volatile combination.I'd rather have him as a friend than an enemy.
I just told my mother I was talking to an Italian guy (she's English)and she said,"Don't forget they were our enemies during the war."...HA! She is 86 years old and was in London during the 'Blitz'.She sure can carry a grudge.
A good meal with an excellent wine and the conversation of good friends is one of the best pleasures in life ( although I think good sex probably still tops it)...Duty calls and I must go..Be well...Jeannie