Bill Clinton,Al Gore,and Bill Gates died in a plane crash and went meet their maker.The supreme deity turned to Al and asked,"What is most important to you?"Al responded that he felt protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God said,"I like the way you think.Come and sit at my right hand."
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.Bill responded that respecting people, their opinions and their beliefs was most important.
God replied,"I like your thinking.Come and sit at my left hand."
God then turned to Bill Gates who was frowning at him indignantly.God asked,"What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill replied,"I believe you're sitting in my chair."
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God told Bill Gates to go see St Peter.
St Peter said,"Now Bill,you have done some good things and you have done some bad things.I am going to let you decide where you want to spend eternity."
First,St Peter showed him an image of Hell with beautiful women in bikinis playing on sunny beaches.
Then St peter showed Bill an image of heaven,with white robed angels sitting on clouds,playing harps.
Bill chose Hell.
About a week later,St peter decided to check in on Bill.He found Bill being whipped by several demons.
Bill says to St Peter,"What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St Peter replied,"That was just the screen saver."
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One day Mike complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts,I guess I should see my doctor."
His friend said,"There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose your problems quicker and cheaper than a doctor."
"Simply place a urine sample in the compartment provided and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it,for only ten bucks."
Mike figured he had nothing to lose,so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.He found the computer and placed the sample inside as instructed.He deposited ten dollars and waited.
The computer whirred and hummed and printed out a sheet that said :You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in hot water.Avoid heavy lifting and it will be better in two weeks.
Later,while pondering the amazing technology,Mike began to wonder if he could fool the computer.He decided to give it a try.He mixed some water with a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.To top it off he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the store,placed the sample inside the computer and deposited ten dollars.The computer hummed away and printed out the following message.
Your tap water is hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms.Get some worm pills.
Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in rehab.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And,if you don't stop jerking off,your tennis elbow will never get better.
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