Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My family has a history of hypertension and high blood pressure . I recently went to a doctor for my annual checkup and she was please with my overall physical health , however , she told me my blood pressure was a bit high for her liking . My doctor told me that I would need to add an exercise regimen into an already busy schedule . 
Releasing the Pressure 
Dear Releasing  The Pressure ,
Health challenges  such as  yours  require a lifestyle  change  in order  for  you  to stay healthy ... or  even alive .  Yes , this  may seem daunting , but  it  is  true . High Blood  blood pressure  is  called "the  silent killer" because  it  commonly  has  minimal  symtoms ,  yet it  can  and  has  caused  stokes in the thousands  of  unknowing victims . Doctors  do suggest  that exercise , healthy eating  and weight  loss can  significantly  reduce  or  even eliminate  high blood  pressure  ... in some  people .  Even if  high blood pressure  doesn't  go away , these  things  are  good  for  you . 
Will it  be hard  to add  daily movement  into a tight  schedule,  that did not  previously include physical activity ? Sure . You have  to decide  that your  life is  worth living  . Once you do , get support by  joining  a walking group , a  gym , Weight Watchers or  some  other  group  activity  that will keep  you  sincere  about   your developing  routine . 
Maxy 

Dear Maxy 
My boyfriend called me to tell me about his long-distance "girlfriend" -- I say that loosely because he has seen her only once . He told his phone friend that he is seeing someone in the same city he lives in and she was not pleased with my man's confession . She insisted that he dissolve our relationship immediately , but I was so happy that he did not listen to her . Going forward , how can we continue to reinforce out relationship ? I like what we have together . 
Budding relationship 
Dear Budding Relationship,
It's  a good  sign  that your  boyfriend  told  you about  his  phone  relationship . Find  out  more  from him  about  what  this  woman  means  to him  and  whether  he  intends  to stay in touch with her . Express  to him  how  much you are  enjoying the  time you are  spending  together . Make  it  clear  to him  that  you want  to see how  your  relationship  blossoms  and  that you are  excited  about  the  possibilities  . Add that  you  do not  want   to be  in the  middle  of  another  relationship . Ask him directly  if  he  is  finished  with this  woman  and  if  he  chooses  to be  with you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I live in an apartment building with pretty thin walls . There is always noise coming from somewhere . Recently , an upstairs neighbor started singing every afternoon around the same time I come home from work . And you guessed it , she can't sing a lick ! Plus she is loud as all-get out . It's nuts . I know it is her right to sing , but I can't find a moment of peace now , what with hearing her acting like she about to go on stage . What can I do ?
Killing me loudly 
Dear  Killing  me  Loudly ,
You can make  a detour  on your  way  home  from work  and  buy  a  white  noise  machine . This  should  help diminish  the  sound  of  the  noise  coming  from above .  you can also delay   your  arrival  by  doing  someting  fun . If  you show  up later,  you may miss this  concert  and  discover  a new  hobby  at the  same  time . If  she  persists  past  your  breaking  point ,  you can knock on  her  door   and  very kindly ask  her  if  she  could  put  a  rug  on the  floor directly  above   you so  it can absorb some  of  the  noise .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have a 30-year-old son "Brad" was the prefect child , loving and affectionate until the age of 16 .
That's when I divorced my drug-addicted husband . I sheltered the children as much as I could from what their father was doing. 
When I transferred Brad to a public school , he got involved in drugs , quit school , became verbally abusive , did a stint in jail and more . I remarried a wonderful man who showed Brad nothing but love . Any disciplining was done by me . 
When I found out Brad was doing drugs at age 21 , I kicked him out the house . He abused steroids and who know what else . 
He blames me for the way he is because I kicked out . He claims no mother would do that . I told him it's "tough love" and that I refuse to watch him destroy himself .
I have not spoken to Brad in 5 months . Christmas and my birthday has come and gone with no acknowledgement . My heart is just so broken . Should I reach out to him or let him figure out life on his own ? Do I wish him a happy birthday next month ? I don't know what to do any more .
Brokenhearted Mom 
Dear  Brokenhearted ,
Tough love  can also  be  tough  on the  parents . You did  nothing  wrong by expecting your  adult  son to  move out of the  house .
Even kids  who  are  not  abusing  drugs  ought  to leave  the  nest  by then . Brad  finds  it  easier  to blame  you for  what is  wrong  with his life  than to accept  responsibility  for  his  own actions .
Until  he  figures  it  out , all you can do  is  wait  and  hope .  But  you can send  him a  birthday  card   and  also  find support  from others  in  your  situation   through ... Because  I  Love  You  at  ( bily.org  )  Good  Luck  .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

What do you do with a sibling who has been enabled all of his life when mom is no longer around to provide for him ?

My brother has had a house to live in , a car to drive , insurance , etc. for the past 25 years . He is an alcoholic and a drug user . He doesn't work because he doesn't want to . He has an all-expenses-paid life .

When my mother dies , how do we settle the estate ? If the house is given to my brother , he would lose it because he has no concept of paying bills . My sister thinks we should sell the place , give my brother his share and move on .

Help Me

Dear Help Me ,

It's difficult to make plans in advance if you don't know whether your mother has a will that leaves the house to your brother , in which case , he is free to let it collapse into ruin .

You should consider all the possibilities , including how much responsibility you will take for your brother when the gravy train stops . Unless he gets help for his addictions , his behavior is unlikely to change . Are you comfortable throwing him out of the house ? You can't force your mother to settle these questions , although please urge her to see a lawyer .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I live far away from my family , but still try to keep in touch . The problem is my sister "Diane," who always misinterprets what I say .

Last month for example , we were talking about Dr. Oz when I commented that we'd have to wait 20 years to see whether some of those suggestions work . That night , Diane told my brother that I said I wouldn't care if she died . I tried to call , email and text to smooth things over , but she wouldn't answer . My mom doesn't want us to fight . I had no idea we were fighting until my brother told me .

A week later , Diane allowed me to apologize , and things were fine , but it has happened again . I suggested that we limit our Thanksgiving guests to the immediate family (24) people . Again , I got a call from my brother saying Diane thinks I hate her in-laws . I tried to contact her to explain , but she is ignoring me ..

I am tired of being the bad guy . I can't help that she interprets my comments in the worst possible way . How can I end the cycle .

Not a Meanie

Dear Not ,

Diane sounds as if she is hypersansitive and looking for excuses to be upset with you . One of the reasons she doesn't tell you directly is because she is mulling it over , and it's much more effective if she waits and then tells your brother her own version . Then she punishes you by staying out of contact until you are groveling . She has her technique down cold , and you fall for it every time .

If you think you can discuss this with her rationally , then do so . Otherwise , keep conversations short and neutral . If she becomes upset , send a sweet email saying you are sorry she is unhappy . Then leave it alone .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I have been married to the love of my life for 30 years . About 10 years ago , we moved to be closer to friends and family . It seemed to coincide with early menopause for my wife , which brought with it zero desire for intimacy . My wife asked me whether I thought it was OK to not have sex any longer , and being an acquiescent idiot , I said "fine."

Now I'm frustrated and wondering what the future holds . I am in my mid-60s , and my wife is in her early 50s . Do I go the rest of my life without ? I need the other person to have some passion for me , or it's not worth having .

Lost and Needy

Dear Lost , You need to revisit this issue . No matter what you agreed to at the time , you have become increasingly resentful , and your wife deserves to know . This effects your marriage in a critical way . Unfortunately your wife may not agree to more intimacy , and even if she does , you may not get the passion you desire . Ask if she would be willing to talk to her doctor about it , and then please seek counselling .

Maxy