How about some good old fashioned one-liners ????

Happy Halloween

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”

“Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”  

“I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.”

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”

“I’m not sexist – I’m not! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”

“Did you know that HIV is actually Roman for 'high five'? Pass it on – or maybe you shouldn't ” 

 “I’ve got nothing against teachers now. I’ve got friends that went to schools that were full of teachers.”
 “That song ends 'flatly'. It’s like a sniper at Riverdance.”

“A funny German comedian??  That’s like an Iranian human-rights commission.”
" Ahhh.....where would we be without a good sense of humor....probably Germany"
“Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - except mix with them socially.”
 “I’ve got type 1 diabetes. It's is the only disease where you have to stop half way through sex to eat a Kit Kat.”
  “My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job."
“When my wife and I fight, we’re like a rock concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”

 “Dubai is what would happen if you gave a 12-year-old a trillion dollars to redecorate his bedroom.”
"I do all the driving in our house, because my husband never learned to drive .... Of course that's just my opinion ."
"My cat is recovering from a massive stroke."
“My father grew up in this really racist part of Boston, called Boston.”

“My mother wears a burka– mostly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad.”
“After 50, you have to stop seeing your heart as a muscle and more as an unexploded bomb.”
 “Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll – the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.”
 “I feel sorry for Islamic terrorists. How many people do they have to kill before people in the West accept that Islam is a religion of peace?”

 "Sweetie, we're going to Mother's for dinner. She wants to know what you want. ......."Ummmm..... An Ebola outbreak.”
“Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical but I'm appealing.”
"I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality."

“I think porn gives kids an unrealistic idea of what it’s like to be a plumber or a cable guy.”
 "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West."
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter."
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go."
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day."

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't studied for..."
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself."

"Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism."

"What do honeymooners eat for breakfast? Wedded Wheat."

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... well, it was just collecting dust."

HA!!!

HE LIKED THEM