Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I don't really get along  with my  brother-in-law . He  talks a lot  and it  irritates  me no end . When I go  over  to his  house, I have to  endure  him talking  and talking  and talking  about every little  thing . He is the opposite  of what I think  men should be  like . He reminds  me of  a woman  who is the head  of a group of  girlfriends . I'm not  kidding . He  just talks  forever, so much so,  that my sister  hardly gets a word in . I don't hear her  complaining but I can't imagine  that she likes  it . How  can I spend  time  with my  sister  without  having  to be around  him all the time ?
Drown Him Out
Dear Drown Him Out,
We have all suffered the non-stop talker. Narcissists love to hear themselves talk. They love their own thoughts and are not much interested in anyone else's. Other monologues can be the result of a person's insecurity. Also, a person may talk too much when they're experiencing challenges in their life, such as stress and anxiety. This does not excuse their offensiveness. It does call for some understanding on your part. I can only guess which category your brother-in-law belongs to. Have you ever discussed this subject with your sister?There are some general steps you can take that might work:
*Be a little more assertive and change the subject when he starts to ratchet up. Have a list of alternative topics ready to bring up.
*Ask your sister for her opinion on the current subject, if she is present.
*Maintain a level, neutral expression, and hold eye contact during the time he's talking. Why? Because giving any emotive feedback at all prolongs the monologue by validating and feeding it.
*Be honest. Sometimes it's best to be forthright and simply tell your brother-in-law that you feel you haven't had a chance yet to give an opinion or reveal your news. Ask him to slow down for a bit to give you a chance to add something.
* Take your sister to lunch or for a girl's day out, more often. It will break up your exposure time to the blowhard. Perhaps, join a gym or a club together.
It is impossible to change someone else unless they want to change and this man will be a part of your life for a long time. So try and build your tolerance level a bit and let some of that annoying prattle just roll off you. We hear you and are here for you.
Maxy 


Dear  Maxy ,
My aunt is  super nosey . She  constantly tries to read my Facebook messages  over my shoulder  and she goes through my drawers  when I'm out  of the room  without asking . She  even asks  me invasive  questions about my love  life, like what things  I have  physically  done with other  people . When  she  comes to visit, I feel like I never  get any privacy  and her excuse is always  that she  can do what she wants  because  she is  family . How  can I tell her  that I find  what she's doing  is  very rude ?
Drawing  the Line
 Dear Drawing the  Line ,
Drum up the  courage  to have a heart-to-heart talk with your  aunt .  I know that is easier said than done, but it is the only way to clear the air with her. Tell her  how  much  you love her  and appreciate  her . Then explain  that her recent  actions have upset you . Describe some incidents  where  you believe she  has violated  your  privacy . Tell her  you know  that she  loves  you  and believes  that she has  your  best interest at  heart, but  what she is doing  is making  you uncomfortable .
Her behavior is, in fact, rude and intrusive but you don't have to phrase it that way to her. It is better to keep peace in the family if you can.
Ask her to stop going through  your things and avoid answering  her badgering  questions, especially those extremely personal ones. Some things are no one's business but yours. Close  your  computer  when she  comes by...it sounds a little like your aunt is living vicariously through your experiences.
 And, no, a family member can not do anything they want, especially in  your private space. Tell your  mother  everything  so that she  can have  your back and be a buffer between you and your aunt.  Your aunt may be upset for a while but it will get better. Hang in there.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My boyfriend  and I recently  moved in together . We have a great relationship  and he definitely helps out around  the house, but  he constantly  complains  about having to do little things . He works  from  home  and he complains about cooking one meal  a day (dinner)  and  keeping the  house  neat, even though  I am unable  to do these things  since I don't  come home  until  9 or  10  at  night . He really doesn't  have  very much to do  and I don't appreciate  his  bad  attitude . How  can  I bring up  this  topic without  offending  him ?
Striking a Balance
Dear Striking a Balance,
What you and  your  boyfriend  need are  house  rules . You need  to establish responsibilities, generally,  for  each of  you in your  home based on need  and availability .
Ask him  to participate  in a family meeting . Tell him  you want to talk about the chores . Point out that as a team you  two can tackle anything successfully and you want to make sure  that you are both on the  same team .
Talk about  what  has to get  done each day and remind  your  boyfriend  that establishing  a  home  together requires  focus  on both your  parts . Living with someone takes work and respect for your partner. Chores are usually divided approximately 50/50. Keep  the conversation  about household jobs and needs and don't venture down other roads of contention. Things have a way of working themselves out. Be patient.
Maxy