Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I just learned from my son's school that he is not doing as well in math as we had hoped . He doesn't have to go to summer school , but it would be helpful for him to have support so that he could do better next year. We have already set him up in a number of programs for the summer , all of which are fun based . Now I realize that we have to add tutoring . How do I break it down to him so that he will pay attention and do real work when he expects to have the summer off to just have fun ? 
Getting to the point 
Dear Getting to The Point ,
Before summer starts , sit  down with your son and review his grades and whatever additional information you have gathered from his school . Ask  your son to talk to you about how he feels he has done in class . Get him to speak about where he thinks he may need  support . Create a conversation that allows your son to feel comfortable enough to open up about his academic life . Introduce the idea of a tutor and don't make it sound like punishment for a disappointing performance in math. Make it sound more like support and tell him it will make next year's  math course much easier for him. He will start the new school year fully prepared. It will be easier for him to accept and pay attention to a tutor who reviews his year's work in easy stages.

 As for the remainder of the summer, I suggest you tell your son about the rest of the schedule you have put in place for him. Get his input. He may not wish to participate in all of the programs you have chosen. It is, after all, his vacation. He is still a kid and is entitled to have free hang time, to just be a kid and do what he wants to do. Make time for that. Too much regimentation can suppress a child's imagination, creativity and individuality.
Monitor him without making it noticeable, throughout the summer, to see if he is enjoying his activities and completing his studies. The most important thing here is to see to his happiness first and everything else second.
 Maxy.

Dear Maxy,

I have been trying to find a friend from high school because I came across some old letters from him back in the day . I was cleaning out my house , and when I found them , they made me happy . I have had so much loss in the past few years between family members passing and a few friends in my age group . I want to find this old friend . Anyhow , I have asked around and I learned he is incarcerated . I feel so bad for him . I also wonder if I should follow up and send him a note or even visit him . It took some digging , but I know exactly when he is . My worry is that it I contact him , I will then need to somehow responsible for him . What should I do ?
Finding a Friend ... Jackson , Mississippi 
Dear  Finding A Friend ,
You have gone so far to find out where your friend is . Don't stop now. Send  him a letter  telling  him  that you have been thinking about  him and  why.  Enclose one of the letters that you found , if you like .  Explain that re-reading the letters made you happy during your time of sadness and loss. Thank him for that and wish him well .
If he writes you back, there is no harm in indulging in some correspondence with him. You are both adults and very much alone.
But you are in no way responsible for this person, nor will you ever be. You are merely two old friends who got in touch and nothing more. Keep it on a very casual pen pal level.
Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
Is there any end to it ? I am 68 and have been married 44 years . My husband and I both have some health issues , but he still needs sex or he becomes depressed and can't seem to function . My husband is also addicted to pornography and has been his whole adult life . I've looked the other way on this vice because he is otherwise a wonderful husband and father .
I just don't feel like feeding his sex fantasies at this stage of our marriage , Not to mention Viagra is an expensive pill and has some side affects . I seriously would like honest answers from other senior citizens in their late 60s or early 70s .
What should I do ? I've thought about ending the marriage and letting him find a younger gal . I know that's what some men need and want .
Had Enough , Thanks 
Dear Had Enough ,
Your problems are mostly rooted in the fact that you have ignored your husband's porn addiction for years .  You must discuss this with him and then you and he need to speak with a professional counselor, experienced in treating sexual addictions. It is the same as being addicted to a drug, alcohol, smoking or gambling. It's not something most people can change or go cold turkey on their own.  He needs an intervention. Change is possible, even after all these years, but only if you guys stop the cycle you're on.
 Married sex is about intimacy, loving and caring about the enjoyment of your partner. And  there is no expiration date on that. He has, long ago, lost sight of that maxim and perhaps you have too. For a start, you might go to a counselor on your own and talk it out with him. Then include  your husband in the counseling.
Have you had enough sex, period... or just had enough indulging in the sexual  fantasies, fed  by his addiction ? If the latter, you are under no obligation to do things that make you  feel uncomfortable or unhappy  just to pander to his bizarre fantasy  life .  
But remember, although your libido may have disappeared because of health issues, his hasn't . And he still has needs that have to be addressed one way or another.  The majority of seniors enjoy healthy, normal sexual relations for as long as they are well enough to participate. At 68 you should still be enjoying that closeness with your husband.   There is of course, a natural, slow decline in libido as you get older and there are therapeutic hormonal remedies that can help women continue a happy sex life.  Your husband should not be using Viagra. It just aggravates his problems and yours . Viagra can also have very harmful side effects.
To learn about sex among seniors...go to these helpful websites :
- http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/aging-1/misc-aging-news-10/sex-and-seniors-the-70-year-itch-647575.html
- http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/guide/sex-aging
- http://www.over65.thehastingscenter.org/sex-after-sixty-five/
- http://www.helpguide.org/articles/aging-well/better-sex-as-you-age.htm
Maxy