Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am a college student about to go throuth sorority recruitment . There have been a few envents where I can meet the members of Greek organizations . I have tried to attend these events alone , but one of my friends regards me as an "expert" and insists on going to every event with me . I am not an expert in any way ! I just feel comfortable meeting people I would like to get to know new people without someone clinging to me , but I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive . I would like to do this alone . Should I be mad at my friend for not understanding that I am trying to meet people alone ? I try not to talk about my schedule , but she constantly brings it up whenever she shes me walking down the hall . Should I ask her to stop tagging along , or should I feel some sympathy for her during this hectic time ? 
Recruitment Woes 
Dear Recruitment Woes ,
Be upfront  with your friend . Tell her  you know she is excited  and probably a little nervous about the recruitment process , because you are as well . Add that you prefer to go to these events solo . This is what makes you feel comfortable as you are figuring out where your interests lie and engaging with new people. Despite the fact that she really wants to go with you, make it clear to her and tell her you will invite her to other events when things settle down.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My adult son constantly invites my husband and me to come to his music performances . He is independent now , but he seems to have held onto the elementary notion of wanting his parents to come to his shows . We have just moved four hours away , so we could theoretically see a weekend show , but this requires the funds and willpower . We have watched him play the flute for over 20 years , and as parents , we are ecstatic that he seems to have found his passion in music . However , he pouts and stomps when we tell him that we will be unable to to make a performance . I have not told my husband how my son responds when I say we cannot come , so my husband assumes our son is alright with this change . How do I come clean to everyone about my son's exhausting behavior ? He is much closer to 30 than 20 , and he needs to let his parents off the hook .
No more shows 
Dear No More Shows ,
You will have to let yourselves off the hook. It's time for you to share  the burden  of this experience with your husband . Tell him about your son's strong and unreasonable reaction  to your absence  at his performances and discuss ways you can remain supportive while giving him and yourselves the space for him to become independent. 
In spite of  approaching thirty your son sounds like he is still seeking parental approval. Although we all retain just a little of that desire, we do grow out of the need for it and handle our own lives without constantly needing that pat on the head. Your son sounds spoiled and immature, particularly when he throws a tantrum that sounds like my two year old granddaughter's. You, as parents, obviously have some responsibility for the way he turned out.
 But it is way past time that he learned to stand on his own two feet without your constant assurance. It is a sink or swim situation.
My advice is to tell him you love him, and are extremely proud of his talent and accomplishments. Remind him that you have always supported him in every way, in his pursuit of a musical career. But you are all older now and you and your husband live too far away now to make it feasible or economically possible to come to every concert. Tell him you will come periodically when it is possible for you to do so.
He may make a fuss ... just ignore it, give him a hug, wish him all the success in the world, and tell him you have the utmost confidence in his abilities. Then say 'goodbye son, we'll call you when we are coming to town'.
It may take a while but he will come around. Sadly, you did not  confront  his tantrums  effectively when he was a child . You have to do it  now . Be strong.
Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
I realize this is is a common issue , but I still could use some advice . When my first son married , his wife was loving and involved with the family . When the babies were born , we continued a warm relationship . Now their children are older , however , my daughter-in-law is cold and distant , and she is not interested in interacting with our extended family .
She grew up in a troubled family and seemed very happy to join ours . But not anymore . We live nearby and other than chance meetings , occasional help with the children and family holidays , we seldom see my son . We was told early on that we was not to visit unannounced , and we never have . If we didn't attend the grandchildren's school functions , we would never see them .
It seems our daughter-in-law just doesn't like us and wants minimal contact . Are we asking too much ? Are we living in the past ? Is there anything that can be done to improve the situation?  You're advised parents in our situation to find other interests . I think if the young couple would imagine our situation in their future , they might realize the extent of their hateful behavior .
Crying Mother
Dear Mother ,
You are right that this is, unfortunately, a problem that occurs sometimes with daughters-in-law or with any in-laws, for that matter. I don't have enough information to form an opinion as to why  your daughter-in-law is behaving differently now.  It sounds like it is possible she may have her own emotional issues, that prevent her from having a healthy relationship with you . Now that the children are older she has more time alone to dwell on them.  
Then again, you may be behaving in a way that seems fine to you, but is upsetting to her. Give some thought to the possibility that some of the responsibility for this rift may be yours.
You may not think you are asking too much, but you might consider readjusting  your expectations now that the grandkids are older.
You must remember that now the children are growing up, they are very involved in school, sports, their peers and their social lives, they don't have as much interest in visiting their grandparents. That is a very natural progression. It certainly happened to me when my grandkids got older. Another fact I can testify to is that now the children are no longer babies or preschoolers there is not so much for you and your daughter-in-law to talk about. She may feel at a loss. She may feel she is the one who has been ostracized.
Do not criticize or assign blame . That will only  make the situation worse . You can ask your son whether there is something  you can do to help improve the relationship and then do it .
There's no reason you can't call your grandkids to chat. And no reason your son can't bring the kids for a couple of hours some weekends and give his wife a break, if you ask him.
But if you really want to change things, you will have to approach her eventually and hold out the olive branch, even if you don't feel responsible for the rift. And tell her you miss her for herself and not just because she is part of the package consisting of your son and grandchildren. Tell her you would like to see her, maybe take her to lunch or whatever she likes doing. It's up to you to bring her back into the fold and your son will naturally follow. It is more important that he supports his wife right now than visit you.
If you do nothing, you will have to accept that this is how it is.
Good luck
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I got the most baffling birthday party invitation . My friend , in an effort to reclaim her youth , has decided to throw herself a 45th birthday --- at a strip club ! I had no idea this was an option , let alone an appealing one for a birthday party , I am conflicted about whether to attend . I didn't expect the invitation to have the entire printed schedule , but just noting that we are celebrating youth at a strip club brought up some questions for me . Will we be dancing to reclaim our youth ? Is the entire club rented out for this party , or will there be gentlemen at this gentlemen's club as well ? Part of me wants to go to see the spectacle , but part of me worries this will be harmful to my reputation . Am I over reacting ? Is it rude of me to ask questions to the host about the activities ? I have never been invited to a party of this sort before , or been aware they exsist .
Not Dancing , Jackson Mississippi
Dear Not Dancing ,
Your friend is getting sassy, eh? Good for her . Having fun and celebrating your birthday is a healthy outlet. And it's perfectly  fine for you  to feel  apprehensive about it if you are un-used to this kind of entertainment. Of course you should  ask her about the details of going to this club . You can probably look it up online, too . Some strip clubs are set up  to have large group parties and are largely harmless  events  with a bit of  sexy dancing by the employees and tossing of dollar bills by the patrons . It's only at seedier  locations  that more lewd behavior occurs .
Ultimately, you  have to decide  your own level of comfort . If you choose not to attend, try not to pass judgement on those who do, when you decline  the invitation. Simply tell your friend  that you feel uneasy  about  a strip club .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My co-worker received a bouquet of flowers at work from her fiance a month ago . These flowers are long gone rotten , and I don't think she realizes the difference between "rotten" and "dried." The flowers are turning black and the stems are shriveling up and causing an eyesore for the company and our clients . I have considered getting her a new arrangement of flowers myself , but this won't be cherished like the flowers from her fiance . Usually , people are allowed to decorate their desks as they please and no one comments , but you can tell from puzzled glances that these rotting flowers are drawing negative attention . I love to garden , so I was thinking of suggesting I use them as fertilizer or offer to teach her how to dry flowers so future flowers do not rot . Am I sticking my nose where it dosen't belong ? 
Rotten Flowers 
Dear Rotten Flowers ,
Go to your co-worker  privately, and tell her   that her  bouquet  has gone bad  and is now an eyesore . Suggest  that she throw it away, but  hold onto the memory . If  she balks, tell you believe the rotten flowers are bad for business  and you know she wouldn't want that .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
After my dad died , my mom went to live out of state with my brother and his wife . My brother took control of everything . He convinced her that she was incapable of making her own decisions and had her open joint bank accounts that he had full access to .
Recently , Mom confided that she has no idea why she can never get over a certain amount of saving in her account . She knows she should have more money put away , but fully trusts my brother and will not confront him about it . My brother has also pushed me out of Mom's life . He will not let me visit her or allow her to come to my home . I am lucky if I get to speak to her once a day on the phone .
My children miss their grandmother and don't understand why there is such a drastic change in her behavior . Family is just not family anymore and the holidays seem sad . I don't know what to do . My brother and his wife want nothing to do with their niece and nephew . 
Please Help --- Missing Mom 
Dear Please Help ,
While it's possible  that your mother  simply  doesn't remember  what money is being put into her account , it is more likely  that your  brother  is taking advantage of her  account --- especially  if he  will not  permit  you to visit or communicate with her . This is very worrisome . If you  believe your brother  is being abusive toward your mother, either  by stealing  her money  or preventing  others from   from checking on her well being , please contact Adult Protective  Services  in the city  where she lives or get  information  on local state  resources  through the National Center on Elder Abuse  at  (www.ncea.aoa.gov).
This is putting a heavy responsibility on you but who else will protect her?
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I read the letter from "lonely Not Lust," the 67-year-old woman who went on a date with a man who seemeed nice , but who grabbed her breast after saying goodnight . It reminded me of the comments that my doctors always made after my exams .
I am in my 60s and single . Both doctors always ask if I'm sexually active . Then they warn me to make sure that my partner has been to his doctor and tested for STDs . This is the age of viagra and a large percentage of their practice is devoted to men with STDs , especially those living in asisted living and senior residences where the women outnumber the men . The men I have been with lately think the women are all waiting for them to ravish us . How stupid can they be ? Please consider educating people on this subject .
N.--
Dear N .
According  to the CDC, the incidence of syphilis  among seniors  is up by 52 percent , and the number of chlamydia  cases has risen  32 percent  since 2007, many of these  cases  in retirement  communities  . The increase  is attributed  to living  longer, healthier  lives, along with  the accessibility of erectile  dysfunction  drugs . Many seniors  seem to believe  that if pregnancy  is not an issue, condom  use is unimportant  . But as we get older, our immune systems weaken, making seniors  much more  susceptible  to becoming infected  by STDs.
I commend  your  doctors  for discussing STDs with you . Medicare offers free STDs screening for seniors  and low cost  treatment  for those who need it .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a 51-year-old attractive professional , divorced twice and currently engaged to a 58-year-old man who is also twice divorced . We met online and hit it off pretty quickly . He has a magnetic personality , and sex is great between us . He moved in and I am supporting him financially until he gets his business in order . He has has four DUIs and recently spent some time in jail . I have stood by him through this .
He has always been upfront that he likes to view porn a lot and wants to experiment sexually . This doesn't bother me . But he posted an ad online asking another woman to join us for sex . While we may fantasize about this in the bedroom , he wants to make it real and this makes me uncomfortable . But he gets angry if I say so . (He also doesn't like when I mention money issues between us .)
I have been through a lot over the years , including getting out of an abusive marriage . I also have a young daughter at home . Am I being unreasonable about a threesome or should I rethink this situation ?
Confused
Dear Confused ,
This guy is unreliable financially and emotionally . He wants you to support  him while he indulges himself. His sexual interests  do not coincide  with yours . He is manipulating  and pushing  you do do something  you don't  want to do . Worse, when you  express  yourself, he becomes angry .
Based on your history, you might  not recognize  an unhealthy relationship, so please allow me to point  it out: This guy is not partner material . He is not going to be a positive influence on you or your daughter and there is great potential for abuse . The sex may be great, at the moment, but it's not enough  to make up for his shortcomings .  He will continue  to pressure you until it escalates into emotional abuse. And he will continue to be a drain on you financially. He has no intention of working while you support his lifestyle. It's quite possible he has done this sort of thing before, with other women. 
I urge you to get away from this  guy, if not for yourself, do it for your daughter. This guy is completely lacking in principles and you don't want him being a big influence in her life. Neither would you want her to see you being verbally abused. I am sure you both suffered enough in your previous marriage.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I used to think there was a social etiquette regarding headphones. Specifically that if someone had his headphones on , he did not want to spoken to unless it was absolutely necessary . I guess I must have made that up , because my girlfriend will speak to me regardless of what I am doing at home and expect me to listen . It's been driving me nuts ; I like to have my personal time , but if she wants to tell a story or speak to me for whatever reason , she will say it from across the apartment and get peeved that I didn't listen . I didn't even hear her speaking ! I told her I'd like to have some quiet time when I have my headphones in , but she insists her stories and questions are quick and important . I have wanted to bring up the fack that it is unspoken social etiquette not to bother someone when he has headphones on .
Am I in the wrong , or is my girlfriend in the wrong ?
Quiet Time 
Dear Quiet Time ,
In order to have peaceful quiet time, you and your girlfriend  need to talk about boundaries, expectations and ways of living  together that are agreeable for both of you.
A relationship requires compromise from both partners if it has a hope of succeeding. As much as people may love each other, learning to live together requires a lot of work and give and take. 
Schedule a time when the two of you can sit down together and discuss your needs, desires, your likes and dislikes, habits and preferences. And be prepared to listen to hers and make compromises.  She should do the same. Find that middle zone where you are both comfortable . You are right in as much as everyone needs some space and private time, but not to such an extent that you are excluding or offending your partner.
Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
My wife's niece has a 3-year-old child whom we love dearly . We help take care of this child and pay for a great deal of the baby's care . 
The problem is , my wife frequently offers advice to her niece . The niece cusses her out and my wife ends up in tears . But my wife insists she has to to keep doing this in order to help the baby. 
I disagree with her logic . I told her simply repeating the same pattern over and over , setting herself up for misery . This niece is not a nice person . She treats her own mother (my wife's sister) poorly .
Her crying is disturbing to me . My wife is a social worker and says that she helps strangers , so why can't she help her own family ?
Stop Already
Dear Stop ,
 She can't help her own family because she is too involved and cannot be objective enough . She also believes her background in social work will somehow  give  her more authority or influence over her niece , when it obviously does not .
She is meeting with such resistance from her niece it is plain to see that avenue is a dead end. And if she persists, you may lose access to the child you both love and the child will lose the love and care of extended family, that she plainly needs.
Your wife seems like a very concerned and caring person but my best advice is that she give the constant advice a rest, and simply transfer  her professional skills toward the care of the little girl, who will benefit  from being loved by someone who has a great deal to give .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I keep reading letters from women who are concerned that their husbands of many years look at porn , go to strip clibs or have affairs . That sounds awful . But guess what can happen after 25 years of marriage ? Husbands look forward to the last 25 years of their lives with their loving wives , and all of a sudden , the wives act as though they don't like their husbands anymore . All affection stops and some wives even announce that there will be no more sex ever .
We men wonder what is going on and then realize that this is menopause . So now , the last 25 years are not going to be nearly as good as anticipated .
More than half of my male friends got divorced when their wives were in their late 50s and sometime the wife initiated the divorce . I have not had sex with my wife in years . Please don't advice counseling or hormones . The women don't believe anything is wrong , and they are justifiably reluctant to take drugs that have serious side affects .
So , ladies , decide which is better : Men viewing porn and masturbating (which the medical community agrees is healthy for men who aren't having sex with their partners) or getting a divorce because the husbands are starved for affection or sex . There are two sides to every story .

S.
Dear S.
You have made a valid point  that a lot of  women will not  like . But several things can cause the loss of libido in women: childbirth, menopause and recently researchers have discovered that drops in a woman's testosterone level cause a drop in libido. Contrary to common belief, testosterone is not just a male hormone. It is testosterone that influences sex drive in women as well as men.
Testosterone levels fall as people age.  By the time a woman is 45 she has lost around fifty percent of the hormone.  Nature designed her that way because she is past child bearing years and no longer needs to feel that drive. Some women experience a more dramatic loss than others. It is not something she chooses to do, it just happens. Interest  in sex just doesn't exist any more. And with the loss of testosterone and estrogen, in many cases, intercourse can become uncomfortable.
But everyone needs intimacy, affection, the comfort of touching and most women continue to enjoy that side of marital sex if is has been nurtured and demonstrated over the years. And she should be as sensitive to her husband's needs as he should be to hers. I understand why a guy can be bewildered by this turn of events, but you also have to ask yourself  if you played a part in this situation too. How did you handle it ? Did you become resentful ?
Have you really sought a healing solution or too readily turned to other means of gratification? Both  husbands and wives  need to be  educated  about these  changes and understand  how to best  handle them. As you say, there are two sides to every story.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My roommate has a huge cold sore on her face . I don't know much about cold sores , but when I looked them up , I read that they are contagious . We live in fairly close quarters and I am paranoid that I might catch this . My roommate has not mentioned anything to me about this being contagious . She says it's painful to talk , and I have found a note from the health center about the sore on her face . I want to disinfect everything , but I do not want to seem rude by protecting myself . Is there a tactful way to ask her about how contagious this is ? I feel like I deserve to know if there is a chance that I will catch this .
Suspicious Sores 
Dear Suspicious Sores,
Given that you live with this woman , you do have the right  to tell her that you read cold sores are contagious . Ask her what the doctor told her about her condition . Based on what you researched, tell her  that both of you need to be super  conscientious about cleanliness to reduce the risk of infection . Because, once you catch the herpes simplex virus -1 (HSV-1) (also called cold sores) you have it for life. There is no cure, although it will go through periods of dormancy. There are medicines, however, to relieve discomfort and shorten the outbreak.
A  person infected with HSV-1 is contagious, even if the  cold sores  aren't apparent . So practice a little caution.
 Do not  share beauty  products, especially lip balm  or lipstick . Do not share  anything  that goes in your mouth. It's too bad if you come across as a germaphobe, but you should not share eating utensils or food either . Also, be sure to thoroughly wash all dishes and cookware in scalding water or use an antiseptic dishwashing liquid. Sharing a phone is risky too. Take care,
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I visited my friend's home today . We went out to eat with her family . My friend has a sister , Beth , who has Tourette's and mental disabilities . Beth's tics are frequent and I have noticed people looking over at us as she has them . This was my first experience being stared at in a restaurant , and I felt so sympathetic to my friend's family , who has learned to ignore the stares . During the meal , someone came up and asked what Beth was doing . The mother politely explained that Beth has uncontrollable tics . I always assumed it would never be the family's responsibility to explain a disability to a nosey stranger . Should the mother have told the stranger to get away from our table ?
None of Their Business 
Dear None of Their Business ,
Observing  your friend's mother was a good lesson for you because this family has learned how to navigate their everyday life with a child who has noticeable disabilities . The mom behaved appropriately, with understanding for others who notice her daughter's tics and are curious . Rather than being  offended, she takes the position that she can educate others .
This is probably the easiest and best way to manage the situation . Your  friend's mom knows that unless you have witnessed or had to deal with someone with tourettes, you likely have no idea why a person is behaving that way.
This doesn't mean that people in a restaurant or other establishment  have the right to ask what's wrong with a person in your party . People should mind their business. But if someone  approaches respectfully, and inquires, a little information about the disabled person's condition is the quickest way to end the conversation. For more information, anyone can contact 'The  Tourette Association Of America' - phone:718-224-2499 or website: (support@tourette.org)
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My boyfriend has just confessed to me that his dad has been unfaithful to his mother for years . My boyfriend just found this out and he does not know if his parents will be getting a divorce . I have always made the decision to not tell my parents because I have heard their opinions about cheating . Now I do not know how to act when I see his dad ; I have lost respect for him . This cheating has been going on my boyfriend's whole life . I have never had to deal with something like this in my family . Do I pretend to not know about this when I speak to his father ?
Cheating Scum
Dear Cheating Scum ,
As hard as it may be to keep your mouth closed, you should. This is absolutely not your concern. What happens between your boyfriend's parents is their business .
Since you and your boyfriend are close and he just learned about his father, I understand why he confided in you . He needs sympathy and understanding to help him come to terms with the situation. He has a reason to be upset but you do not. There may be more to the story than you know. You are not in a position to judge this man. He is still the same man you always respected. Continue to treat him as you have always done.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
While my mother was still alive, she gave a substantial amount of money to my oldest son "Rick." Everyone but Mother knew she was supporting his drug habit (which he since overcome) . When she died , her will gave equal amounts of money to both of my sons . 
My younger son , "Carl," was hurt by his grandmother's lopsided generosity to his brother , and it may be part of the reason my adults sons aren't close today .
Rick's father , my first husband, will be leaving him his entire estate , so he will be financially set . My current husband and I recently completed our will , leaving most of our assets to Carl.
Based upon what my mother did , I'm concerned that Rick will be hurt if he finds out what his stepfather and I didn't leave him an equal share . But I don't believe my husband is going to leave the same amount to his stepson as he does to his biological son . What do you think ?
Trying to Avoid Hurt Feeling 
Dear Trying ,
I commend you for trying to level the playing field and be fair to both sons. You can't compensate for the hurt your mother dealt Carl; she played favorites. The sad thing is that it came between your sons.
Did your present husband help raise Rick ? What is his opinion? Can your assets  be separated  from your husband's so that his entire  estate  goes to Carl , but yours is split in half ?
 If that is not a satisfactory answer, would Rick and Carl be understanding if you discussed these issues in advance and explained your reasoning?
The best thing to do is to involve an estate lawyer to act as mediator, and have your husband and both sons present and work out the fairest inheritance for each son together.
Once it is hashed out and on a legal document, there will be no repercussions or ill feelings between the brothers later....because they both took part in the discussion.
Unequal  bequests create problems because it appears that the parent favored one child over another. That is not a feeling you wish your sons to remember you by.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a successful woman in my early 30s. I am single and have been going on many dates , trying to find a husband . I am never sure about who should get the check from dinner , because I am not sure who makes more money of the pair . If it is me , should I be footing the bill ? I do not want to grab at the check , but I also do not want my date to think I am ungrateful or unwilling to contribute . Some of my girlfriends insist that I should let the man pay to preserve his ego and make it a "real" date , while others insist that in 2015 a woman should feel comfortable splitting the bill without losing the romance of the date . Am I ungrateful or traditional for allowing a man to pay ? Should I be grabbing for the first check more often ?
Blunder , Orlando
Dear first Date Blunder ,
Dating etiquette can seem impossible  to understand, let alone follow. Who should pay on the first date is at the top of the list of questions. The general rule of thumb is that the person who asks for the date pays, the first time out. Since it is nearly always the man who asks for the first
date, they generally pay. According to current research, over 75% of men report they still feel guilty accepting women's money.
The research indicated that the vast majority of heterosexual couples are not splitting the bill 50/50 on the first date. That holds true even when men and women identify as progressive or feminist.
If there is a second date and you feel it will lead to more, you could broach the subject with your date. Ask him how he feels on the subject of gender roles and sharing expenses. Let him know you are happy to pay your own share in order to spend time with him.
In the perfect scenario, you can both be flexible on the subject. There are always weeks when one partner is more flush than the other. Hopefully, you accommodate each other. A relationship is also a partnership, not a sexist sparring match.
Happy dating,
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My brother , "Tim" passed away from cancer two months ago . He had never married .
Within hours , my younger brother and his wife actually went through Tim's house and took what they wanted . My own mother kept all the money from his sympathy cards instead of using it to pay for a headstone . Even before the funeral , several family members took over Tim's house and property and went through his personal things. Anything they didn't want , they handed to whoever was around .
I live several states away, and right now, I don't want to speak to these relatives again . 
Your thoughts Please ?
It's Hard Enough To Lose a Loved One 
Dear  Hard  Enough ,
Many people behave in appalling ways when a loved one dies . It could very well be simple greed, or could also have been a way for family members to keep something personal of Tim's to remember him by, but I admit it doesn't sound that way. It sounds like they wanted to snatch a share before the will was read.
And  your  mother's behavior  is hard to excuse . Tim does deserve a headstone. Their behavior shows a sad lack of respect.
You can't change who they are. Please try to find a way to forgive them or the anger you are feeling will hurt you, not them, and it will sully Tim's memory. Take something away from this experience, even if it's just that you will never behave so dispassionately and inappropriately.  And that is a positive. Mourn Tim in your own way and cherish the time you had with him.
So sorry for your loss,
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I was researching my apartment building on the Internet and found out that seven years ago, two people died there due to heroin overdose . I am incredibly superstitious and am wondering how I can find out which apartment these people were in when they passed . Do landlords have to tell tenants if someone expired in their apartments in the past ? I am incredibly curious and need to know if I have to sage my apartment .
Any advice ?
Ghostly Orlando
Dear Ghostly ,
You will need to check with your  local authorities to determine if your landlord legally has to share with you about a death in your  building .  It differs from state to state. For example, in California a landlord has to voluntarily disclose to a tenant if someone died in the space. 
 Federal law only states it is mandatory to disclose if there is lead based paint, any mold issues or other health hazards in the unit. You do, however, have the right to inquire about any deaths in your own unit. The rest depends on the landlord and your particular state's law.
The death of a tenant in a rental property doesn’t usually affect the unit’s physical condition after all necessary repairs and proper cleaning has been completed. But many states recognize that there is an emotional and psychological impact to living in such a place.
It may cause a prospective tenant to pass on signing a lease . And that is the reason a landlord would not likely volunteer the information unless asked or unless it was mandatory in his state.
Saging and prayers help many people to feel their home has been spiritually cleansed. By all means, do what makes you feel good about your space. Just remember white sage leaves are best, not ground up kitchen sage. And burn it a fireproof container. Don't let the negative thoughts control you or obsess you. If you have a healthy positive outlook. Your home will reflect it. 
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I gave my friend a ride from a party when she was drunk . I knew she needed to go home, so I picked her up and on the way to her house she threw up in my car . I cleaned up the vomit and went home as she fell asleep . The next day, she acted like nothing happened ! I thought that was very rude and jokingly brought it up with her to give her the opportunity to say something about her actions, and she waved it off . I'd like to receive an apology , but she doesn't seem to want to give it . Is she embrassed ? Does she not understand that is rude ? 
Party Queen Troubles
Dear Party Queen Troubles ,
Forget the apology . Your  friend  was drunk, and there's a good chance  she  doesn't  remember what happened that night; it may be a complete blank. That could be humiliating and make her feel vulnerable. And if she actually does remember what happened, she could be too embarrassed to talk about it .
 It is also possible that she thought you were mocking her or being derogatory when you mentioned it to her. She just wants to forget the whole thing.
Put yourself in her shoes; if you were that drunk, no doubt she would drive you home. And if you disgraced yourself by vomiting, would you want to be reminded jokingly, or made to feel foolish?
Any conversation on the topic should have shown her you are concerned for her and don't want her to harm herself or her health.
That's what friends are for. Isn't that so?
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
About four years ago , after 17 years of marriage (no children) , working full time , having a part-time job cleaning job , doing 90 percent of the housework and doing 80percent of the housework , I asked my husband whether I could quit my part-time job .
I was 42 and in good shape but having painful back problems from the type of work I did . My husband had a good job , and with a little bit of corner cutting , we didn't need the money from my part-time job . He agreed , but after a while , he began to seem distant and started talking constantly about a girl at work --- how amazing she was because she worked full time and went to school while caring for her two children . 
After months of this , I thought a second job part-time job might make him treat me with more respect . Then my mother broke her arm and my father needed treatment for prostate cancer . So I helped them , along with working along with full time and a part-time job and doing the housework and yard-work . It didn't help . My husband hung out with that "amazing" girl . He also spent a lot of time with a guy that convinced him I was a freeloader .
After a horrible vacation where he bought earrings for Ms. Amazing and presents for her sons . I found emails between them . He admitter he was in love with her but said nothing had happened . He eventually moved out and filed for a divorce , but when he heard that I had moved to Hawaii , he tried to woo me back . After six months of promises that he had changed , I returned home . 
I recently found a text from this same girl , asking when he'll be working with her again so they can go to lunch . I left the house . He says the girl has a boyfriend and I'm overreacting . Am I ?
Hawaii Bound 
Dear Hawaii ,
You are in an abusive relationship. That doesn't mean your husband is beating you. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you. He does not love or respect you any more, if he ever did. Unless you wish to live miserably,
  just as you are, until you have worked yourself to death, get away from him. You have to leave to give yourself a chance at happiness and see that there are people in the world who are not controlling, selfish and passive aggressive. Your husband is all of those.
The fact that he said he loved another woman is more than enough reason to leave.  It proves he has no respect for you because he was flaunting it in order to punish you for displeasing him, when you quit your part-time job. Please don't believe that any of this is your fault and that things will get better if you only do all things he has told you will make him happy. You will never be able to please him no matter what, or how much you do. He has made you feel responsible for his happiness and you are not.
 When you left him, he realized his income had diminished, significantly, and he was used to having that money. And there was nobody to cook, clean, do his laundry and mow the lawn etc. All of a sudden he had to do these things for himself. And that, my dear, is the reason he would have told you anything in the world to get you back. He has no intention of giving up his girl on the side. Or if he does, another one will come along.
You did the right thing once by leaving. Your instincts were correct. The only mistake you made is going back. 
If you would feel comfortable discussing this with a professional, relationship councilor to get your thoughts in order and move forward, you should do so.  Do it on your own. Your family physician can probably put you in touch with someone experienced in abusive marital situations. 
Take care of yourself,
Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
My co-workers and I have decided to be healthier and bring a potluck style lunch for everyone on Wednesdays as opposed to eating fast food . Most of these lunches have been great and they allow us to see what our co-workers eat at home . One of my co-workers brings hongeo , a fermented skate fish dish from Korea . This dish is on lists of the smelliest foods in the world --- I did my research ! No one ever eats it and it creates a general revulsion around the entire event , which used to be very pleasant . My co-worker does not seem to care that her contribution turns off everyone to the idea of eating . It seems to give her a pass to eat all the other food while not worrying if hers will be gone . Drawing rules around this event would single her out , but this stench is impossible to be around . Should I just send out a potluck email with some guidelines ?
Hating Hongeo 
Dear Hating Hongeo ,
Why not start  by speaking  directly  to your co-worker ? Talk to her privately, thank her for her participation in the potluck. Then explain to her that the dish she has been bringing has not been a group  favorite . Explain  that you have observed  that people are not eating  it  and  that the dish's pungent smell  overtakes the rest of the food .
If that does not work, you may send  a group email  about the potluck, asking participants to vary what they bring so that  the group can try other food choices .  Also suggest that they take note of what the popular favorites are with the group, so they can repeat them. You will end up with a menu with something for everyone.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
At a dinner party I attended last weekend , the group had an honest conversation about money . There was 10 people sitting around the table lamenting about not being able to afford something .Then debts , loans , earnings and savings worked their way into the conversation . I was very surprised . 
I had grown up in a town where talking about money was considered extremely rude and a major faux pas . I stayed quiet for the conversation except for when I was asked what I was saving up for , I simply answered , "a nice vacation."
I feel as though excusing myself in a dramatic and I would like a polite or funny response for when I'm asked about my financial situation . Any tips ?
Mum about money , Biloxi , Mississippi 
Dear Mum About Money ,
While the conversation may be uncomfortable and you don't have to take part, I suggest  that you make use of the knowledge, listen closely and learn . It's true that most people don't talk about  money at a dinner party but it is an important topic in everyone's life.  You may pick up some useful tips. This particular group of people will always discuss these matters. Until  you  find  your comfort  zone , you can honestly say , when asked , that  you are listening and learning .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My wife and I are in our mid-70s and have no children . However , we have had pets , mostly cats , for all our 50 years together . 
About 13 years ago , we bought an 8-week-old female Boston terrier puppy . A few months later a friend called us about a female Boston terrier that he could not keep and offered it to us . We took it on a trail basis and since it got along well with our dog (and our two cats ), we ended up keeping it . 
We loved them both like they were our children . They rarely barked , got along great with adult and child visitors and loved being in the car . They were the best pets we ever had . We loved them . Both dogs were under the regular care of a vet . About a month ago , Spunky died in her sleep . It was devastating to lose her . Then , two weeks later , Petunia died . We are truly heartbroken .
I want to get another puppy or young dog as soon as possible . However , the problem my wife . She misses these dogs as mush as I do , but she feels we are too old to get another dog . What do you think we should do ? 
Grieving for Our Pets
Dear Grieving ,
My  condolences  on the loss  of  your beloved  animals . Multiple  studies  have shown that seniors  greatly  benefit  from having pets  to love and care for . It is also good for older people health wise. Pets relieve stress, lower blood pressure, keep you walking and moving. But  do keep in mind  that puppies  are  generally more work than older  dogs . Your  wife  may  not  feel up  to the task . Please discuss  it with  her  and consider  the possibility  of adopting  an older  dog . You would also be rescuing a very grateful friend.  The dog would be less energetic and likely house broken.
You may  also want to take into account the likelihood
of your someday  moving into a senior  facility  that does not  allow animals . Some seniors  handle  this  by having a friend  or  relative agree  to take  the animals  when they can no longer care for them .
Share the love,

Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I met you through my uncle , he knew my problem and one day he told me he wanted me to tell you about my problem , my mother , his sister , said a dog could not help me.  For nearly two weeks , my uncle told me to write . I did and Maxy you changed my life for the better . School started and this girl I wanted to meet , she is tall , about 5 feet 8 1/2 inches tall and I am only 5 feet 5 inches , so you can see the problem . 
I went to my uncle and asked him what to do , he asked did I remember what Maxy's advice to me was , I carry a clipping of it in my wallet . My uncle said , take the bull by the horns and go for it . I did and she smiled and I was hooked . We talk , and I asked her to the movies the same day , she said with pleasure . We go lots of places together holding hands , met her family which all are taller than I am , they are very nice . 
There was a dance at the school last week , my girl and I did the Cha-Cha , the kids cleared the floor to watch us . It felt really good . Thank you Maxy for telling me I may be short but I stand tall among men . 
Too Small
Dear 'Too Small,'
You just needed  a nudge in the right direction  to gain the confidence  you needed  to  stand  tall among  your peers . 
Height is not the answer, it's all about how you feel about yourself . You decided to  ask this  young lady out  and she accepted . She likes you for yourself, whether you are short or tall.  What's inside  you and  what  you do  with it decides your stature. I was very happy to hear from you. Your letters are always welcome. You are a winner
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been living with my husband for 12 years . He will be 50 in a few months and our daughter is only 11 . The problem is, my husband is ill and his doctor is predicting that he may be wheelchair bound and possibly completely paralyzed between now and early next year . I am afraid I may not be able to care for him when that time comes .
Since he is not a senior citizen, what places might accommodate him if he needs round-the-clock care ? Are there places like nursing homes and assisted living centers for someone who is only middle aged and wheelchair bound ? 
No Name USA
Dear No Name,
Absolutely . Most nursing homes  and assisted-living facilities that take senior  citizens  also take anyone who is disabled regardless of age . The only issue would be the cost . Does  your husband qualify for Medicaid ?You can find out at 
( medicaid-guide.org ) . You didn't specify  your husband's illness , but there may  be a support group  for people with his disability .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am preparing to move out of my parents place and be independent . I graduated from college a little less than two years ago and I know my dream job is in New York City . I have some money saved up from other jobs , but I am not sure what all of the steps are to getting my own place . My mom does not think I am ready to move out , but I know in order to get my career started , I need to be in the city that never sleeps . I have found a couple of apartments on line , but I know have a real  estate agent gets pricey . I will definitely have job interviews scheduled for myself once I get to New York City , but I just need to find a way to be there affordably first . How do I start this move out of the nest ? 
Breaking Free and Budgeting , Jackson , Mississippi 
Dear Breaking Free and Budgeting ,
Getting into the practice of saving and economy is essential . It's also important  to do your research . While you may not  find your dream job, it is smart  to line up a way to earn money before you move to such an expensive city . Apartments are hugely expensive in New York, even tiny studio apartments. And they are scarce. The cost of living, in general, is also higher in a large metropolis. You need to make sure you have enough start-up money to last a while.
See if you can line up a few interviews and visit the city for a couple of days before committing yourself to it for good .
You also need to get online to real estate websites serving the NY area and look at available rentals. Also, go to all the NYC newspaper websites and see what the classified ads offer to rent.
 Most people who move to New York City start by  having roommates to share expenses . You can find roommate opportunities  via the Internet on sites  such as ( craigslist. org ) and others. Be clear  about  your expectations  of a roommate  and  how much  you can afford when you list yourself . With strategic planning and careful research you can create a stable foundation for your new life .
Maxy


Dear Maxy ,I believe that television is destroying my family life . Whenever my children and husband and I get home, we seem to automatically retreat into different rooms to watch whatever is is our favorite TV show . When I attempt to corral everybody into the same room, it works for a quick meal but then we invariably end up in our corners, so to speak . I want us to talk as a family and do other interactive things . I almost feel it's too late, though because we have been doing this for so long . How can I coax us out of our corners and into each others lives in real time? Competing With The Idiot Box 
Dear Competing With The Idiot Box ,
I think we all can relate to this problem. It so easy to fall into that rut and so hard to climb out of it.
If you feel strongly about this, talk to your husband about it . Ask him  if he will partner with you on limiting  TV time  in your  home . Come up with  a plan which includes TV time and a set time that the TV is turned off for an hour or two, no matter what . 
 The best time to schedule talk time is during meals and right after . Introduce a topic that will spark family interest ( maybe some exciting current event ) or ask them questions about what they did that day.  Another way to engage their interest is consulting them about family decisions and asking their opinions. Listening and being interested in what kids say is the best way to keep them talking.
 After dinner, depending on the kids' age, play a game of cards or whatever game they enjoy.  You can pushback or record favorite shows to watch during their private time.
Explain  that everyone is participating . This will not  work as well if  you don't have  full agreement, and that needs to start with the parents.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have recently been introduced to a funny and quirky guy . I enjoy spending time in his company --except for one habit of his : Whenever he does something feminine, he jokes he feels his "rights being taken away," like a woman's . Sometime he switches up the punch line and says that he feels himself "turning into a second-class citizen." Walter is gay , so he feels he can make these jokes because neither of us are "straight white men." I never consider making any sort of joke about how I feel gay and I feel myself gay , and I feel myself losing my rights .
Walter seems like a great friend if you overlook this comedic hiccup , and I don't want to have to shut down the mood when this happens . I haven't laughed at this joke and I need it to stop . Is it time for a quip back ? 
Over The Line
Dear Over The Line ,
I think your friend is not totally at ease with his sexuality. As a teen, when you discover your sexual identity, you know how hard it is to talk to anyone about it. You feel ashamed, insecure and lonely. With some people these feelings carry over into adulthood and they find it easier and more comfortable to make jokes about it, even though they may be inappropriate ones.
If this friend means something to you, then be a friend to him. For sure, tell him how you feel. But equally make it clear that you're absolutely willing to listen. Encourage him to express himself to you in a more appropriate way.
I think he needs some approval and support. You sound like a well adjusted, centered person. You can give him that.
Accepting and liking yourself is empowering. We all need that. Helping him with his insecurity can lead you both to a richer place.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My brother and I are both in our 60s , and we do phone each other regularly .
My problem is, over the years , I have been fortunate and though not wealthy , am pretty well-off.  My brother however, has barely eked out a living for himself and his wife .
When he called the other day to see what I was up to, I didn't want to say I was buying a rental property.
I don't know how to discuss this with him without seeming as though I'm bragging or putting him down for not being as successful. Any hints ? Lucky Brother 
Dear Lucky ,
Your brother surely knows that you have more money than he does . He also knows you earned every cent yourself
with hard work and are entitled to it. There may be some envy, but probably not as much as you think . As long as you are not boasting, he may not begrudge your financial success at all.
But if you have any doubts, don't discuss your latest real estate
acquisitions, your income or the size of your bank account. It really is no one's business but your own, anyway.
If he asks you about any purchases you have made. Just answer simply and briefly and give no more  information than is asked for.
If you wish to bring this uncomfortable situation out in the open and banish it forever, then you pretty much have to talk to him about it. First let him know you love him and cherish his friendship and his kinship to you. Then tell  him you don't want anything to come between you. And if he ever has any problem with you or  your life style or your income, he must come to you and talk about it. You are both getting on in years and you do not wish to waste any of the time you have left on negative feelings.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I was married the first time for 23 years and I could do nothing right , no matter how hard I tried .
I worked full time, was a soccer mom and yet dinner better be on the table at 5:30 or else . If he wiped his hands over the furniture and found dust, then I was put in my place .
Fast forward to my second marriage , now going on 28 years . The pattern hasn't changed . We get along great for a while , but if I try to fix a special meal , he does his best to ruin the evening .
Today I made pasts salad and had saved up for two steaks that I barbequed to perfection. What does he say ? This is to much . My steak has fat on it . I don't like pasta salad . I am an excellent cook , by the way .
What am I doing wrong ? I am in my 60s now and can't get it right . I am so tired of this .
Sick of Men Complaining
Dear Sick ,
When someone repeats the same negative pattern, it helps to look at yourself . You seem to be attracted to a certain  type of person....moody, depressive and controlling. When they are unhappy with their lot in life, they feel better  when they find fault with someone else. He knows he is hurting you.
It’s important that you not take responsibility for his feelings or try to cater to his bad moods. That will just make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and reinforce the lie that somehow you and everyone else is responsible to make him happy.  When he dumps his negativity on you, do your best to shake it off as quickly as possible. Don’t retaliate. Don’t brood. And don’t get caught in your own pity party or feel gypped because you’re married to this kind of man.
Distance yourself from him when he’s in this state so there is no secondary gain for him. If he doesn’t want to participate in something, do it without him. By doing this, you’re not punishing him, but helping yourself not “catch” his bad mood, as well as giving him an opportunity to see that even when things don’t go as you want them to, we all have a choice in how we respond.
Standing up for yourself can be satisfying and empowering. If he does not like the meal, tell him he is welcome to cook something more to his liking.
You should also talk to a relationship counselor. You can't fix this by yourself. Go on your own and learn more ways to protect yourself and your emotional well being. I read where one lady started her own savings account, just a few dollars a week to make her feel a bit more independent. And if you get really fed up, it is get away money.
I wish you well
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
The older I get , the less patience I have for complainers.
There are a few friends who have been sort of close to me for longer than I can remember . I think they have been more out of habit than anything productive . It feels more like a chat session of what's wrong with everybody we know in our social circle and the world . I'm sick of it . I just don't want to waste my breath on negativity anymore . How can I release myself from these friends, or get them to change the subject ?
Ready to Refresh
Dear Ready to Refresh,
Before dumping your friends, talk to them . Express your dissatisfaction at the fact that your group often gets caught up in gossip and you just don't want to do that anymore . Ask them if they would be willing to talk about other things . Try it out by introducing topics that interest you . Be honest and tell them you choose to be more positive.
However it is difficult for people to change old habits . Even if they want to comply, it is not likely that they will be consistently able to do so . Same for you, by the way. You may find it best to limit your interaction with some of them. You are not locked into this ritual, negative gossip.
Moreover, it's essential that you expand your own horizons by engaging in activities that you find satisfying and fulfilling . By doing positive things, you will replace complaining time with inspiring time .You never know ....your friends may want to join you !
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Many of the young people in my neighborhood are coming of the age to vote .
As one who grew up when it seemed like everybody registered at the first second we could, I just don't understand why virtually none of these kids is even thinking about voting . I ask them regularly if they are paying attention to the political discussions of the presidential candidates and if they are learning about what's going on in our town . I almost always get blank faces . One young man will talk to me , but none of the others . What can I do to inspire them to get involved ?
Get Registered

Dear Get Registered ,
Young people today are infected with political apathy.They  do not feel they have much of a stake in society. Having children and owning property gives you a direct interest in how schools and hospitals are run and whether parks and libraries are maintained . And that leads to further interest in who is passing legislature on what and who is running the country.

Young adults are waiting longer and longer before they settle down these days. Also women often prefer a career to marriage and children. Women who have opted for kids as well as a career are run off their feet and have no time to go to the polls. The people who have not settled down are not much affected by political decisions. They have more transient lifestyles and don't feel that connected to whoever governs.
Focus on the young man who is interested . Talk to him about the political process and how he can get involved  in it . Encourage him to register to vote . Rather than trying to corral everyone, stick with him for now . The reality is that you are not likely to be able to get every young person involved . There is a good chance,  however,  that inspiring this one young man may rub off on others.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
It has been a dream of mine to continue my college education in London . When I spoke to my mentors about my plans , they told me that it would not be a good idea because the America job market will not hold an international degree in the same regard as an American college degree . I respect my mentor , but I really think I should go to London and make my dream come true . Besides , I cannot let my friends down ... this is all I have been talking about since I were 10 years old . What are your thoughts ? Should I make my dream come true , or should I continue my college education in American with a focus on international studies ? 
A Dream Deferred
Dear Dream Deferred ,
Now is the time to listen to your heart and do your research . You should not think about whether you will be letting down your friends . People can change their minds if they choose . It is your life , not theirs . As far as your mentors , do some research to learn what they mean . If you are pursuing a degree in international studies at a British school  that is acclaimed for this major , chances are that you will be well placed in a job if you have a solid academic . Figure out what the top schools are  and determine if you can afford to go , either because you can pay the tuition or you can secure scholarships or loans . Once you  are prepared to make a decision , you will know what the best choice is for you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I was invited to attend a small wedding in a few weeks for one of my college friends . I invited a woman to be my date for the ceremony . However , we are not currently communicating with each other due to a disagreement . Do you think it is wrong for me to inform her that I made new arrangements for the wedding ? I don't mean to be rude , but we are no longer dating and she doesn't even know the couple .
Wedding Crusher 
Dear Wedding Crusher,
You absolutely need to hold fast to a wedding invitation with this woman . You do need to let her know that you are no longer expecting her to go with you . You may also want to clear the air regarding your disagreement . Even if you have no intention of getting together with her ever again , it is  kind and respectful to close the loop . In the best of worlds , you should contact her and start by addressing whatever the conflict was . Follow up with the point that you are no longer expecting her to join you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I've been in a relationship for five years with a guy who has been very enjoyable company , however , in the past 18 months , rumors have surfaced about him being bisexual . He never told me about this part of his past . Finally , I confronted him and he admitted that this was just a whim at a time in his life when he was alone . He's been divorced for 23 years and claims he never knew why his wife divorced him . 
He now feels that , since he is with me and the desires are no longer there , I should just forget about my disgusted feelings and go on as if nothing was ever said . His friends was the ones who kept dropping these hints to me , but , of course I ignored them until now .
I don't know if I should continued this relationship . He is 85 and I am 79 . We don't have sex since he has erectile dysfunction and his desire has diminished .
Worrying Winnie 
Dear Winner ,
What is that you want from this relationship ? Whatever is in this man's past does not need to affect your future . Someone who is bisexual is attracted to both men and woman .
If this were a sexual relational , I might understand your concerns . But you aren't having sex with him . and have no plans to do so . You don't have to marry him to enjoy him . You find him to be very enjoyable company . I don't see a problem . If you want to continue spending time with him , go right ahead .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My teenage son was previously overweight . Recently , he commited himself to exercise and has lost so much weight that none of his clothes fit . Like me , he hates shopping , so he has been wearing my pants and his baggy shirts --- he doesen't care they are too big . The rest of the family chides him on looking "homeless" in his large clothes and I know he needs new attire , but I can't bear to set foot in a store .
Although one of the problems with my son's new lifestyle is his appearance , an even bigger concern of mine is his advice to others . To change his life arond , he used an app to input his height , weight and daily caloric intake to find out he would have to exercise to lose a certain amount of weight . He has taken to the habit of asking people what their weight , height and daily caloric intake so he can help them lose weight . My son is not doing this to offend , and he feels as though he is genuinely helping others . My daughters do not feel the same way , and I doubt the various cashiers and salespeople do , either . How can I get my son to focus on his own appearance and stop telling others how to change theirs?
Weighted Advice
Dear Weighted Advice ,
It is common for people who have made a dramatic and positive shift in their way of living to become advocates for their lifestyle choice . Too often, that advocacy can turn into proselytizing (trying to convert  you to their way of thinking ) something that few people want to hear . You can gently point out to your son that, he had to recognize for himself that he needed to make a change in his diet and exercise choices; the same is true for others . The decision has to be a personal choice , coming from within oneself and by oneself in order to be successful.
If the people he is approaching are overweight and out of shape, they may very well take offense at his remarks.
Point out to him that he has not yet been totally successful with his own program because he still has no pride or   confidence in his new appearance. To advise other people, one has to be a shining example of  one's own advice.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My Son received a ton of homework to complete over the Summer , but he hadn't completed most of it . I remind him to do his work ever morning , but he procrastinates and doesn't do it . I don't want to punish him everyday , but I have to get him to complete his work . What do you recommend .
Facing Homework
Dear Facing Homework ,
Wake your son up early , before any distractions can come into the picture . Make sure all "screens" are out of view . Sit with your son to work on his homework together. Be interested in his assignments. Do your best to engage him in the work. Talk about the importance of responsibilities . Work together each day so that you can get the work done . If you do not seem interested in his work, why should he be? Positive reinforcement really does work with kids.
Maxy

 Dear Maxy ,
My parents own a good amount of land in their native country . When I was growing up , they paid for my tuition but they was not very supportive emotionally . I sponsored them to come to the U.S. , and because they din't speak much English (and still don't) . I helped them find jobs .
The problem is , my parents are giving everything they own and whatever they made during their lifetimes to my brothers as an inheritance . They are leaving nothing to me . I've decided to encourage them to move back home and live with their sons .
Why should I be handling their bills , buying their groceries , picking up their prescriptions , taking them and acting as their interpreter ?
I paid back every penny they spent on me , including my tuition .
I am angry that I am obligated to take care of them when they are leaving everything to my brothers . Please help.
Foolish Daughter in Orlando
Dear Daughter ,
I assume your parents come from a culture that values sons more than daughters ( there are many) and that daughters are expected to care for the parents while the sons inherit property .
While this is hardly fair, you cannot expect your parents to overcome their own cultural upbringing so easily .
You need to think of this differently . Your parents do not owe you an inheritance . They raised you and helped you get into college by loaning you tuition . That is reason enough to be grateful. Any land or moneys they possess are entirely theirs, to do with as they wish. 
Anything you do for them is out of  love and respect, not for gain or profit .  They will appreciate you for that. And your brothers should welcome the opportunity to do the same .
Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
I am a cross-dresser and I like your no nonsense advice to "No Life ,Without Wife .
I married in the early 80s and did not tell my wife about my cross-dressing . Nine years later , I wanted her to be part of my complete life . I told her by leaving women clothing jn the closet and telling her they was mine . She said she needed time to think about it . Nine months later , she still wouldn't talk about it or see a therapist and said I needed professional help . That lead to a divorce .
In time , I realized rhat if I wanted to enjoy my cross-dressing and be able to share my pleasure with someone , I have to tell that person early on .
When I told my current wife about my cross-dressing , she asked whether I was gay. I told her no . She asked a lot of other questions and I answered them as truthfully as I could . She was willing to compromise and now the two of us enjoy both of my worlds .
I would strong advice "No Life" to tell his wife in person , privately and as soon as possible .
Turn off all the phones , and let her know you have something important to say . Stay calm , and let her absorb the news at her own pace .
He also should have the name of a therapist ready in case he or wife wish to speak to a professional .
Glad I Did
Dear Glad ,
How well I remember "No Life Without Wife." You did exactly the right thing by being completely open with your wife. Too bad you learned that the hard way.
You must give your present wife a lot of credit for understanding and adapting to your lifestyle. I hope you honor her by doing the same for her.
I can't stress enough how important it is not to keep such important parts of your life hidden from your spouse . Aside from the surprise , it also feels like a betrayal not to have been told before the marriage . And, yes, most people do require counseling to help them adjust. Very good advice for 'No Life Without Wife'.  Thank you for your testimonial .
Maxy