Really Bad One-liners

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.


What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Eye-matey!

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener!

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

How do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide!

Why should you not write with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What did the Leper tell the prostitute?

Keep the Tip! (disgusting)

Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Sally!  (very poor  taste)

What did batman say to robin before they got in the car?

"Get in the car."

What did the astronaut's fiancée say when he proposed in open space?

I can't breathe!

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?

Tequila!!

What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?

He won the "no-bell" prize!

Why did the cyclops close his school?

Because he only had one pupil!

A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.

It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!

Does anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A Private Tutor!

Why do penguins walk softly?

Because they can't walk hardly.

Where does the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies

What do you call a sketchy neighbourhood in Italy?

A Spaghetto!

Why did the snowman have a smiley face?

Because he heard the snowblower was coming!

What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

How do you feel when there is no coffee?

Depresso.

What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?

Cheese Was!

What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?

A cell-ist!