Ask Maxy

 

Dear Maxy,
I'm a very sad woman . I work and take care of my home  and kids . My husband and I had trouble getting pregnant  with the second child  and after months of trying  we went to a fertility clinic . It was a difficult time  and I was not giving my husband  all the attention he needed .
One day he was at my friend's house  and a female acquaintance  of hers was there . This woman was in the middle of her own divorce and she and my husband began a conversation . She told him if he wasn't happy, he should divorce me  and be happy for himself  instead of worrying about his wife and kids . My husband filed divorce papers  while I was pregnant  . Now the two of them are together  and he thinks I don't know .
What kind of woman thinks this is OK to do ? I have two small kids  and love my husband  with all my heart . I know I have things to work on . Where is respect for women out there ?
Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,
While I agree  that women shouldn't go after married men (and vice versa), you are blaming  the woman when it is your husband  who strayed . He wanted an excuse  to get out of his responsibilities, and she was simply the match that lit the flame .
Please see a lawyer  immediately so you can protect yourself and your children . Then ask your husband to go  with you for counseling  to see whether  you can reconcile . But if he is determined to get out of the marriage, the counseling will help you develop coping  strategies  for the future . Your children need you to be strong and capable.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I'm a senior citizen . My companion of 16 years passed away a few years ago . I've had a few dating lunches  since then , but nothing serious . Several weeks ago, while looking over hot dishes  at a local health store, I heard a voice  behind me saying , "I can't eat some  of the choices  because they are a little too spicy ." I turned around  and said , "I didn't know there were other people with those issues."
He grasped my hand, shook it  and we chatted a bit . When I saw him again at the cash register  he said , "maybe we'll see each other at lunch sometime ." I said, "I hope so, it's been a pleasure ." I wish I had taken more notice  of his features . Thereafter, I looked for him at every store, but by then my sister was hospitalized  and I was always running around, too busy to spend  too much time there .
I am so sad  now, because his handshake was of a true gentleman  and it stole my heart . I hope he reads your column and tries again .
A fan

Dear Fan ,
While I am not running  a matchmaking  service, I can see you are distraught by having missed  an opportunity . But also , if you were not interested  enough  to pay more attention  to this gentleman the first time, it is possible  that you are over romanticizing the encounter  in hindsight . So recognizing  that you may be disappointed, I recommend  you spend  a little more time at  the health store since you know he frequents  the place . If you should see him, you will have to take the initiative  and say hello . He may have assumed your brush-off was intentional . Good luck .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I ran into my ex-crush  at an event  last week , and I got go flustered . I had such a big crush on this man  for years . We tried dating some time ago . Well, I should say that I tried to get him to date me but it never quite happened . In the end, we stopped hanging out so things  could cool off . Seeing him the other day brought all that emotion back in a flood . I was kind  and cordial . I definitely didn't do anything weird, but I realize I still cared a lot about him . How do I handle these emotions ? I don't want to go back into that crazy state  of trying to get him to like me again . I do not think that will work .
All Mixed Up

Dear All Mixed Up ,
As challenging as it may be for you , please take a deep breath and step back . Whenever you find  yourself in a situation where you feel overcome by emotion, the smartest thing you can do is to be still . Do not act on that emotion... Allow it to pass  rather than over take you or control you . It's important to remain composed.
In order for you to stand a chance of having a healthy friendship with this man, you have to choose to let go of the emotional grip your bond has over you right now . Otherwise, every time you run into this man, the same thing  will happen, you will get flustered and overcome by your emotions . Assess your feelings, consider why  you get so caught  up . Did  he do something  in particular  that is inexplicably attractive  to you ? Can you identify what triggers  your emotional swell ?
Chances are, some of the intensity is about  what you wish for rather  than what you have . Choose to move  forward  and see what is before your eyes, not what you want to see there .
Maxy