Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been married to "Ralph" for 30 years . Recently , I discovered that he has been speaking with an ex-girlfriend on his cellphone . These conversations have been going on for 10 years . They both say they are only friends , but I don't believe it .
This woman is married and lives out of state . Can two married people secretly talk to each other for 10 years behind their spouses' backs and it just be innocent conversation ? By the way this isn't an ordinary ex-girlfriend . Ralph planned to marry her after high school, but she chose college and he had to let her go .
When I confronted Ralph, he said, "this has nothing to do with you. My feelings for you have never changed and I never treated you any differently." But I feel as if I have been cheated out of ten years of my marriage because the ex-girlfriend was taking part of him away from me and I didn't know . 
Ralph is a phenomenal father and has been a great husband . He wants me to let this go so we can move on . But how can I trust him again ?
Feeling Betrayed
Dear Feeling Betrayed,
Sharing conversation is not the problem . The fact that you were unaware of it for 10 years and this woman was romantically important to your husband is what's bothering you. Has Ralph been sharing inimate thoughts with her ? Has he confided about his marriage to her ? Has he expressed an interest in getting together with her ? And does he intend to continue the relationship with her, regardless of how you feel about it ? You need to know.
Ralph may feel that if there is no physical affair, he did nothing wrong . But he kept an on-going friendship with someone of the opposite sex a secret from you and that is destructive to a relationship. Anything that betrays your trust damages your marriage. Trust is the hardest thing to re-build.
 Please ask Ralph to come with you for a few sessions with a marriage counselor, who could help him understand why this matters and help both of you fix it . This is how you "let it go" so you can move on .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I have been married for 22 years . I started working when I was 14 and didn't stop until I started having medical issues two years ago .

The problem is my family . My husband doesn't think it is important that our two kids, 20 and 21, have jobs . I have tried repeatedly to help them find employment because they won't bother to try on their own . But they'll stay at a job for a month or two and then they leave . My husband doesn't think there is a problem . When I bring it up, my son yells at me and my husband doesn't care . He says at least our son attends night classes twice a week . Our daughter's self esteem is very low and I am worried about her .
I am sick of the arguments about the kids not doing more around the house and not finding work . I have moved out of the house and in with a friend . Was I wrong to do this ? How do I make my husband see that the kids should have jobs .
Expect Better 
Dear Expect Better,
This is a relatively new, but widespread problem: adult children who won’t leave home and remain dependent on their parents like permanent adolescents.
If you are no longer in the house, the situation will never improve. It is not easy to help an adult child transition to adulthood. To jump-start their independence will take a concerted effort with your husband.
The problem lies with the generation of parents who shielded children from problems and made sacrifices to give them better lives. Consequently, many young people graduate from high school expecting life to be easy and free of hardships. They are not prepared to handle adversity and setbacks, nor ready to push themselves to get ahead.
Parents have also been more permissive with your kids' generation than any other. Experts encouraged them not to "boss" their children and preached that good parents just couldn’t do enough for them. Some of these young people now have an exaggerated sense of self-worth and entitlement and don't respect authority. Theories on child rearing change with every generation and we have to deal with the results.
Kids of this era were not expected to help much around the home, deliver newspapers, mow lawns or help in the community and consequently, a lot of children never developed a work ethic.
So, first of all , stop playing the parent versus child game and speak to them like adults. You and your husband must back each other up if you want this to work. Explain to the kids that you can no longer take care of them because you have to think about your own future and retirement.
Present a plan to them ... For example :
1. "I will provide you with room and board for the next year to give you a chance to find yourself and a career.
2. "In three months, I will stop giving you money so you will need to find a way to take care of your expenses for clothes and entertainment."
3. "I will pay your tuition for courses you pass. Failed courses that need to be repeated will be at your expense. I will also buy your textbooks."
4. "I will pay for six months of counseling if over the next few months you decide you need help in getting a career and living on your own."
5. "Six months from today, I will stop paying for your car insurance, car payments and gas. You can either take those expenses over yourself in your name or I will sell the car. Lots of people can’t afford a car and rely on public transportation, a bike or rides with friends."
6. "As of today, your laundry will be your responsibility."
 7. "If you let me know in advance when you will be home for dinner, you can join me for dinner but all other meals will be your responsibility."
You can customize this list in any way to suit your own situation. You and your husband need to speak to a counselor together for further advice and to get hubby on board with the plan. Even if your husband won't go, counseling could help you work out better ways of negotiating, so that you have other choices besides frustration and walking out .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My boyfriend just came back from Iraq . Last night, we got into and argument and before I knew it, I found myself on the ground with a bruise on my neck and a sprained ankle . I never thought my boyfriend would hurt me . Meanwhile, my roommates freaked out and called an ambulance and after a long plea, I persuaded them not to call the cops . I know domestic violence is serious, but I never expected to be a victim of this foolery . I love my boyfriend . There's a first time for everything and I know our hearts are in sync . I think his behavior has something to do with his deployment for six months . Where should we go to get help ?
Sara
Dear Sara,
You are right to be concerned, and are being very understanding 
by not just walking away from the situation.
Many veterans experience 'post-tramatic stress disorder' after being on the battlefield . PTSD is a difficult and often dangerous mental condition for patients and those around them, especially their spouses. PTSD happens when someone comes back from a truly horrible, violent or near-death experience. Something in the brain snaps; gets rewired and the person with PTSD has no choice but to keep reliving those traumatizing moments physically, mentally and emotionally. They can also have flashbacks, awake or sleeping.
When undiagnosed or untreated, this condition worsens and the violent outbursts increase in severity. You become a victim, trying to cope with your partmer's bouts of depression, aggression and dramatic mood swings. You cannot fix this.
The good news is that help exists for veterans who need to process what happened in their lives and need to learn how to manage the variety of physical, emotional and spiritual challenges that they may face in the wake of their experiences .
Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to get help so that he can get better . Urge him to get support . To find help , visit the VA website at (ptsd.ve.gov )
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I recently relocated to Orlando area as a single 32-year-old man with no kids or previous marriages . However, I eventually want to settle down . Lately, I've been entertaining this "young Thang"--- 24 years old, to be exact --- and I have to admit she has me sprung . She's spunky and energetic, with a fresh perspective on life . She's family-oriented and believes in God, but she parties too much for my liking . Every time I ask her to spend time with me, she mentions going out to a bar or club when all I want to do is enjoy a flick at home with just her and me . Am I asking too much ? Should I continue this relationship knowing that she's not ready to settle down . 
Orlando
Dear Orlando ,
Everyone (man or woman) is entitled to enjoy the wonderous years of their youth and have fun ... before deciding to enter a committed relationship. You have had eight more years of life, experience and sowing your wild oats than she has, so do not expect her to be at the same place in her life as you.
What do you want ? You say that "eventually" you want to settle down, but it sounds as if you are ready to settle down now. You are asking too much. She needs to be who she is right now and she will decide for herself when she is ready to settle down. The things you like about her... her spunk, energy and fresh perspective on life are due to the fact that she is young, carefree and enjoying every minute of her life.
I think a talk with the young lady is in order, to see if she feels the same about you, as you do about her, or if she has intentions of committing to a relationship with you at some point. If so, you must come to a compromise...go out on certain, set nights of the week and stay in on others. If she doesn't wish to settle down right now, and you have no desire to wait until she is ready, then you should end the relationship and move on because it will not end well.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy 
My husband and I have been married for 10 years , but I sometimes wonder whether I love him or am just used to having him around . We have no kids and I've started thinking of how my life would be without him .
This all began when he displayed an awful temper . He never gets physically violent , but he hurts me tremendously with things he says . He pays some of my bills , but always put his wants and needs before household things that are more important , like fixing the car or filling my prescriptions . I have to walk on eggshells most of the time . When it's a holiday or Valentine's Day , he expects me to get him something , but he never does anything special for me .
My friends think I'm still with him because I'm afraid to be alone . There are times when I enjoy his company but not that often . I'm not even sexually attracted to him anymore . Should I continue on because it just might be a phase I'm going through ?
Tired of It 
Dear Tired of It,
While all relationships go through ups and downs, yours includes verbal abuse, a lack of consideration and a cruel disregard of your needs and feelings. You may also be in danger of the abuse escalating.
This is not acceptable behavior between loving spouses . If your husband is willing to go with you for counseling and work on this, there may be some hope for the relationship. If not ( and I suspect not), please talk to a counselor on your own to try to clarify your feelings and make the best decisions for your future .
Your husband may also wish to be free of the relationship.
Weigh the good times against the bad and I think you will find it is not worth spending your life being abused and held hostage to someone else's bad temper and moods. There are worse things than being alone. There are plenty of good and loving people out there. I don't think you would be alone for long.
http://www.verbalabuse.com/   http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/5-ways-of-dealing-with-verbally-abusive-relationships/
Keep your spirits up,
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am about to go on a third date with a lovely women . I feel that she is really special and I think she likes me . I am a guy that like to take things slow and I think she likes that too . The thing is , I don't want her to put me in the "friend" box just because I'm not making moves on her . We have held hands a couple of times and generally been close but we haven't kissed or anything yet . I want to take my time . I was married before and it didn't work out . I am not so much interested in dating around . I want to find a partner , but I think it's smart to take my time to see . How can I let her know that I like her romantically without doing anything romantic yet ?
Taking it Slow 
Dear Taking it Slow ,
It may be refreshing to your date that you aren't "making moves" so quickly . You should make it absolutely clear to her that you like her romantically, especally if you are the kind of guy who often ends up becoming "the friend." 
Why not tell her on your next date? Tell her how much you enjoy being with her and how much you are enjoying the process of getting to know her . Be upfront about your desire for a partner, your past, and why you would like to take it slowly. Foremost, it's important to discover if she feels the same way about you and is also looking a life partner. If not, you may be wasting a lot of time. 
If she is indeed interested in finding a permanent mate, she will understand the need to take the time to see if the two of you are a good fit for each other. Ask her what her goals and desires for her future are and see if they mesh with yours.
By being completely honest and open about what's in your mind and heart, You are laying the foundation for true intimacy and a solid base for a long relationship.

Maxy

Dear Maxy , My parents divorced 10 years ago , my two sisters and I , are all in our 30s , reacted differently when Dad recently remarried . I was delighted to see him with someone else who makes him happy . My sisters , however declared that they want nothing to do with his new wife , although they'll keep seeing Dad. I told them their attitude is silly , childish and unworkable . Now they have turned on me , claiming that I am "insensitive." What do you think ?Troubled 

Dear Troubled,

Your sisters may be acting out of 'misplaced loyalty' to your mom. On the other hand they could be behaving out of sheer jealousy because your father's attention will be diverted from them. They, perhaps, might even be worried that your dad will change his will and there will be less or nothing for them. Your sisters are not behaving maturely or in your dad's best interest. You, however, are genuinely being sensitive and caring.Whatever their agenda, you might best be served by simply telling your sisters that it's up to them how they choose to treat your dad and his wife. But you intend to warmly welcome your stepmother to the family because she makes your dad happy and that is the important thing. Nothing more needs to be said. Hopefully they will come around in time, but don't count on it.

Do let your dad and his wife know how you feel. The sooner the better.

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a 14-year-old high school freshman is depressed about my future . As a result of my premature birth , I have a heart defect and lung problems and am very small for my age .
Recently my family went to a local park . It was humid and I was so worn out that my older brother let me ride on his back . Some classmates saw me and thought it was funny , so all the girls at school have nicknamed me "Baby."
But what really depresses me is the thought that I'm always going to be smaller than my peers . My doctor estimates that I probably won't grow taller than 5-foot-1 inch . I want to be a normal teenager . I want a girlfriend and to have fun hanging out with my friends .
Our school is having a freshman dance . I want to take a date , but every girl I have asked has turned me down and some have even laughed at me . One female friend told me girls think I'm cute , but they will be embarrassed to be seen with me . I am scared this is how things are going to be foe me . I don't want to live a lonely life . I want to have kids someday . I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide , but I would never do that to my family . Any advice on how I can make myself taller so girls will stop seeing me as a little kid ?
Too Small
Dear Too Small ,
I won't lie to you . It is a bit more difficult for men of small stature to attract women . Our society has a stereo-type, an image of a couple consisting of a taller male and smaller female, but fortunately, this is changing, just like all the other outdated misconceptions we hold. You see so many couples with a taller lady these days, that it is accepted without a glance.
Fourteen year old girls are very immature and much influenced by image but they do mature eventually and start to appreciate men for far more important things. 

The fact that you are writing to me, tells me that this is affecting your self esteem. Let me make one thing clear; you are a normal teenager. You just need a morale boost and a change of attitude. Think about the boys in your school who do get the girls. They have confidence, they believe in themselves and they have a 'don't give a darn' attitude. Girls are very attracted to that kind of confidence. If you seem too needy or nervous, that will discourage them even more than your height does. If your height is a big issue with you then it will be a big issue with the girls .

The ladies also love a guy with a lot of personality and a great sense of humor. Be friendly and face the world with a nice white smile. These things can be developed without losing the essence of your true self. Just be the best that you can be and still be comfortable in your own skin.

You are still growing and you will get stronger, so try not to take the rejection of superficial teenaged girls too seriously. It's not essential to have a  girlfriend at fourteen, and honestly, we have all been rejected many times in our lives.
Once you are out of high school, things will be a lot easier. Older girls look for deeper, lasting qualities in a man and the right lady will come along for you. Be patient.
For inspiration, consider all these famous, diminutive men who are not exactly towering over you ... guys like: Prince, Jon Stewart, Tom Cruise, Martin Scorsese, Kevin Hart, Ringo Starr, Dustin Hoffman, George Stephanopoulos, Paul Simon, James Madison, Seth Green, Joe Pesci, Robin Williams, Al Pacino, Danny DeVito, Bruno Mars, Martin Short, Daniel Radcliffe, Michael J Fox, Richard Dreyfuss, Mel Brooks, David Spade, Woody Allen, Beethoven, Truman Capote, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Ghandi, Elton John, Nikita Khrushchev, Andrew Carnegie, Yuri Gagarin ( first astronaut) and millions more.  Their height didn't hold them back from anything.

Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
One of my classmates has Asperger's syndrome . He often says and does things that are obnoxious and sometime down right threatening . I understand that his behavior is a result of his Asperger's, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with . When I ask my friends what to do, they say it's not his fault and I should just leave it alone . 
But Maxy, he frequently talks loudly over instructions no one else can hear, and last week he fell on the floor screaming in front of visiting professionals . I want to be able to help him change his behavior without making it seem as though I'm blaming him for it . How do I respectfully tell him what is and isn't appropriate ?
Worn out .
Dear Worn Out,
First of all, kudos to you for caring enough to want to help your classmate. The fellow with Asperger's is no doubt being treated by professionals, but he can definitely be helped by classmates if you are patient with him.
Asperger's syndrome comes under the umbrella term ‘autistic spectrum’ because it is similar to a mild form of autism. These kids are mainstreamed into public schools because they are not learning impaired, in fact they usually have better than average intelligence and they do not have problems with language. They do have poor communication and socialization skills. An Asperger's teen has problems interpreting the subtle nuances of language and reading between the lines of conversation so they have difficulty chatting. They often don't get jokes.
*They don't understand the feelings of others.They find it hard to understand the emotions behind a facial expression. They may not understand why you are smiling.
*People with Asperger's don't understand they have to listen as well as talk. They may interrupt conversations. 
*Some may do very inappropriate things to try and make friends,
which are misinterpreted. They feel lonely, but they don't know how to be a friend.
*They can be obsessive about something they are interested in, and don't understand if you are not. 
*People with Asperger's can be targeted by bullies because they can easily be upset.
*They are upset by any changes in routine.
HERE ARE SOME POSITIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO:
• Be friendly, Speak slowly and clearly to him. Be precise.
• Help him to understand the rules by being firm and saying things like, "It's my turn now, then it will be yours".
• Help him if you see he has trouble comprehending a subject or conversation. Simplify it for him.
• Let him know that you like him.
• Praise him when he does well.
• Stand up for him if others are being unkind.
• Understand that unfamiliar things or sounds can upset him.
If you wish to learn more please contact:
http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/
http://www.autism-society.org/
https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/resource-guide
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I work for an international organization and we regularly have conference calls to discuss projects that we are working on . I'm amazed at how effective these calls can be , even though the timing for them is a challenge . Because we hail from so many time zones , the calls are always going to be at an off-time for somebody . The problem come when people join in late . One of my colleagues is late almost every time . A guy fails to put his phone on mute and we have heard everything in the background . Can you explain the protocol of how to handle conference , please ? 
Conferences Call Etiquette 
Dear Conference Call Etiquette ,
Just because  you can't  see people  doesn't mean you should  be less professional or polite. That's  the  first rule. A conference call should be treated in the same way you would treat an in-person meeting . Show  up  early if  you can . Call the given number a few  minutes  before the  appointed  time . Often, the system will put  you  in a virtual  holding area. Have all of  your notes and materials  handy and in order so that you aren't shuffling papers around . Write down pertinent questions in advance.
Eliminate  distractions by turning off such things as TVs or emails . Ask not to be disturbed. Put  your  phone on mute except  when  you are speaking . Pay attention to the conversation . When you speak, say  your  name  before talking  to help others on the  phone be sure  who  is contributing  at the time . Don't hog the  conversation . Keep your  comments  succinct . Speak clearly  and  directly  into the phone  to make  it  easy for others to hear  you .  At all times be courteous and be sure to say goodbye. 
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband told me that one of his co-workers has been making passes at him on a regular basis . When he told me, he was almost proud about it, that this young woman was paying attention to him . He and I have been at odds over little things for a long time . We often argue and rarely go on dates or do anything to stimulate our bond . I'm a little worried that given how we are not doing so well right now, this co-worker may become too tempting . How can I make sure that doesn't happen ?
Reader 
Dear  Reader ,
Consider this a wakeup  call . Rather than focusing on the co-worker, take  a fresh look at  your marriage . Your husband was trying to get your attention by telling you about the woman. Why? Perhaps he thinks you no longer find him attractive. 
Most of the answers were in your own letter. You are at odds over little things. Don't be...let trivial things pass. Life is short and time's a'wasting. 
You often argue. It's not necessary. Agree to disagree on things.
Arguments divide and isolate people from each other. 
You don't go on dates or stimulate your bond. What can you do to make  it  more  interesting ? Why not  plan  a weekly date when you two choose to spend time together and stick to the plan? Stop taking your relationship for  granted. Do something spontaneous. Tell your husband he is still a hunk in your eyes.
Ask  your  husband  to  join you in a concerted effort to rekindle tenderness  and  respect  in your  marriage. Tell him you miss the joy that you once shared . Ask him if he feels the same . Instead of widening the chasm between you...you will be  building  a bridge .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am an artist, and I have been working on a collection of paintings for several years now, I have another artist friend who I visit with my family every year . I have shown him my work as it has been evolving and he often has great input . Well, fast forward to last week . My friend had an art show, my wife and I attended . I have to tell you I was a little bit taken aback when I saw his work . While it was not a direct copy of mine, it definitely was majorly derivative . I'm not sure how I should deal with this . I really feel like he kind of copied me without saying anything . 
I don't want to sue him or anything , but I feel violated . What should I do about this ? Should I say something ? 
Duped 
Dear Duped,
You can call it plagiarism or you can call it the highest form of flattery. Your friend may have felt he contributed considerably to the evolution of  your work and his own and simply thought he was in harmony with your creativity. He, perhaps, did not feel that he was copying you. Also, someone can be unconsciously influenced by your work. It can happen without mal intent.
Since he is a friend and you don't want to sue him, you should have a heart to heart talk with him and explain how you feel, or you will never lose that feeling of violation and it will poison your friendship. Congratulate him on his show and  tell him that you were very surprised to see a collection highly reminiscent of the work you have been creating and sharing with him. The most you can hope for is an apology. 
One of the best ways to deter visual plagiarism is to address it preemptively. Under the law, an automatic copyright is established when an 'original' work is created, composed or written and fixed to a tangible medium such as paper, canvas, recording, a hard drive, on film, etc. So you are establishing a copyright as soon as brush hits canvas. You do not need  to get a copyright registration certificate unless you want to sue someone for copyright infringement.
In future, if you wish to give your work a little extra protection, keep dated, signed and even witnessed, preliminary drafts or sketches. Take dated photos of your work.  The  lesson here is that it's best to create your work and present it when it's ready, as opposed to revealing it to others while the work is in progress.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Please help me bring awareness and education about organ donation . There are thousands of people waiting for a transplant and hundreds of others awaiting a replacement of a previously transplanted organ . Many organ recipients outlive the longevity of their transplant .
Please tell your readers that living organ donors offer better longevity than organs from a cadaver donor . Finding donors promptly is also less expensive and much better health-wise .
In recent years, a great deal has changed with transplants for both the recipient and the living donors; i.e. kidney transplants are now being done Laparoscopically and recuperation for the donor now averages two weeks .
Potential recipients use every resource available, but don't always find a match . Please ask your readers to help those in need . Sadly our family knows the importance of this from personal experience .
Ardis Brother 
 Dear friend,  Ardis' brother,
Your letter speaks, eloquently, for itself. My family also has had personal experience in waiting for a kidney donor.
Many people are on waiting lists for organs for years. Many do not live to receive one. As a living donor you can donate  one of  your kidneys, or even one of two lobes of your liver . You, also, can donate part of the lung, the pancreas or the intestines because the remaining portions stay fully functional . And finally, living donors can donate skin, bone, blood, marrow, blood stem cells and umbilical cord blood after childbirth . Organ donors  are 'NOT' charged, although sometimes there are  other  costs, such as  travel expenses . You can also easily arrange to donate organs after your death.  Please do some research for yourself and give it serious consideration.
For  more  information on organ donation , check out :  (  http://organdonor.gov ). For finanical assistance, contact ( http://livingdonorassistance.org )
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

It has been said that love doesn't cost a thing, though it's possible that's just a good movie title . Whether it is money, time or energy, love does indeed cost . 
I have recently gotten engaged to my fiancee and I can't wait to marry her . We are now in the planning mode for the wedding and I realize that money is beginning to spread thin . 
Being a young working professional, I have decided to keep the wedding small but still invite my close friends from college . I am beginning to feel pressured to spend what I don't have because many of my friends continue asking if I will have an open bar at the reception . I won't ; an open bar is simply too much money for my budget . But I want my friends to have fun . Is it really worth spending the extra money for an open bar reception ?
Groom on a Budget 
Dear Groom on a Budget ,
Weddings are about love, hope — and toasts! They're also about priorities and how to balance them. Naturally, you want  to host a wedding that will be classy, memorable and enjoyable for all your guests .
Wedding etiquette suggests that your guests should not have to pay for their drinks. That does not mean that you should go into unnecessary debt . You may want to consider providing a couple ( or more) of complimentary bottles of wine and one bottle of champagne ( for a wedding toast ) for each table. You could also have a very large and potent bowl of  punch displayed prominently.
You can also have a 'soft bar' which limits the open bar to beer, wine and vodka cocktails ( or other specific popular mixed drinks). These options are commonly used these days when couples are on a budget . Another  budget friendly idea is to have a disposable camera on each table so the guests can snap pictures for you and leave the cameras on the tables after the reception. This can save a bundle on a photographer and you can put the extra cash toward the alcohol.
 Most important is for you to manage your friends expectations and above all, make it a beautiful day for you and your bride.
Congratulations,
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I've recently been invited to a company party as a new friend's plus one. I want to go, but I found out the company is an employer of an old flame, who I dated during high school and throughout college . We did not end on good terms . I don't really know how things would go having a face-to-face interaction . The new guy that I am dating doesn't know about the previous guy and I don't want him to ditch me because of my former relationship . This is the first time we are going out as a couple . Should I tell him about the previous guy and attend the party , or should I avoid the situation altogether ?
Betwixt 
 Dear Betwixt,
You definitely should let  your new guy know  that  your  ex works at his  company. Without going into  excessive detail, let him know that  you two dated for some time when you were younger and it didn't end well . Honesty is always the best policy. Express your trepidation  about  going  to the party . Talk it through together and make a decision that allows you both to feel comfortable . If you decide to go, don't spend the evening trying to avoid your ex and spoiling the fun for you and your date. If you come face to face with him, smile, greet him politely and move on. It wouldn't be wise to engage him in conversation if there are still hard feelings.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Our daughter and her husband have two young children . Over the years we have been very close to our grandsons . We recently found out that our daughter has started a relationship with my son from a first marriage . Forty years ago, I gave up this son for adoption when he was 4 years old . This son contacted me when he was 28 . I told him I felt he should have contacted me earlier and that I did not want to start a relationship at that time . I never heard from him again . He is now 44 years old .
We phoned our daughter as soon as we heard about this new relationship and told her we weren't to crazy about it . She became angry . They are adults and can have whatever relationship they want . We didn't forbid it . But they phoned us later and left a message on our answering machine saying we are "dead" to them and will "never see our grandsons again." We could hear the kids crying in the background .
My daughter will not speak to us at all . It has broken our hearts . How do we get our grandsons back into our lives ?
Brokenhearted in Florida
Dear Brokenhearted,
I agree your daughter is being harsh but I am having a hard time sympathizing entirely with you. It would be helpful to know why you waited until your son was four to give him up. I assume you had a good reason, but he must have felt abandoned and frightened.
And why was there a time limit on his being able to contact you?  It must have taken time to trace you and longer to work up the courage to approach you. Your rather cool dismissal of him must have felt much the same as the rejection he felt at four years of age.
I can't say for certain, but it seems he made it his business to become acquainted with your daughter. Perhaps when she learned his version of the events in his life, she felt righteous indignation on his behalf and saw you in a very different light, which lowered you in her estimation. This, conceivably, could be the reason she denied you access to your grandsons; plus the fact that you disapproved of her having a relationship with her own brother.
It's possible you won't be able restore good relations with your daughter until you reconcile with your older son. Or she may, in time, realize she is hurting her own children by denying them their grandparents' love.
There is also another option, if you don't wish to wait for a  change of heart. As grandparents, in the state of Florida, you do have legal rights to see your grandsons and can be awarded court mandated visitation. You would have to see a lawyer who specializes in family law.
Helpful website:- http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/grandparents-rights/grandparent-rights-guide
In cases where the whole family is in such distress, it is always advisable to seek counseling as a family group.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My fiancé and I have been together for three years . "James' shares custody of his 13-year-old daughter , "Chrissie."
The problem is , Chrissie will not sleep in her own bed . Until recently , she use to sleep on the floor in our room , but two months ago , James started sleeping in her bed . I couldn't take it , so I went back to stay in my place . Now that I am no longer in James' house , Chrissie sleeps with him in his bed . This bothers me .
James and his ex-wife tried sending Chrissie for therapy , but she told them it wasn't working , so they stopped . We have discussed this , but he continues to allow her to sleep in his bed . He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with it and also says he doesn't know what else to do . Chrissie is quite manipulative , conniving and sly . Even her hugs are fake . she is obviously competing with me for her father's attention .
I feel guilty not liking this girl . I understand that divorce is hard on children , but this is ridiculous .
Soon -To-Be-Stepmom 
Dear  Soon-To-Be-Step-Mom,
The fear of sleeping alone is a very real phobia in children. It is related to monophobia (fear of being alone). It comes from a deep seated anxiety, sometimes separation anxiety, and should be treated by a qualified child therapist or child psychologist. Hypnosis has also been shown to be helpful.
You can also do things at home like: redecorate her room in any color or way she likes and make it very comfortable...keep soft lighting on at night. Let her have a small TV in her room that she can keep on low volume all night, perhaps the cooking channel or 24 hour news...hearing human voices or ambient sounds will keep her distracted from her fear. Get her in the habit of reading light fiction or something funny in bed to  make her sleepy and have a relaxing bed time routine ( e.g.: a warm bath and hot chocolate). To start, you could let her sleep near your bedroom door with your door open and gradually make the transition.
On the other hand, Chrissie  may  be manipulating  her  parents  out of  insecurity  and  simply because she can . But her  parents  are  the  real  problem . They are  allowing  Chrissie to control  the family  dynamic.  At thirteen, it is inappropriate for her to sleep with her single dad. She needs her parents to be in charge, and instead, they have given her the reins . The therapist will no doubt advise that the family take counseling together so that James and his ex-wife understand  how much effort  and consistency are required for their daughter 's sake .
This problem has already driven you away because James handled it badly and did not take you into consideration or the way you feel about it. If  you still intend  to marry James, insist on proper therapy .
http://healthresearchfunding.org/overcoming-fear-sleeping-alone-phobia/
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/anxiety.html
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/phobias-and-fears.htm
Maxy

Dear maxy , 
I am 26-years-old and have been in a wonderful relationship for four years . "Cody" is my best friend and we are extremely compatible .
Here's the problem : His sex drive could run circles around mine . Sex is the only way he feels appreciated , loved and needed . Cuddles and kisses don't sate his desire . This puts immense pressure on me to accommodate him . and I am starting to resent it .
If Cody does something sweet for me , such as taking me to dinner , he will make a causal joke about how I should thank him in the bedroom . I have sat his down before and told him how his comments make me feel and that I don't like the emphasis he puts on sex . He either brushes it off , saying I'm too sensitive , or gets upset and says I should do the things for him that makes his happy .
I love him and want to make him happy , but shouldn't that go both ways ? I don't want to to feel sex is his favorite form of currency . Any advice ?
Orlando
Dear Orlando ,
The  fact  that Cody likes  sex  and  prefers  it to other  things is  neither unusual  nor  worrisome . But I don't  like the way he brushes  off your  concerns, blaming  you for  being too "sensitive." This is an indication  that Cody  is immature  and dismissive of  your  feelings . Pressuring  you is a form of controlling  the relationship and he definitely is using sex as currency . You may think Cody is terrific and your best friend now, but over time, these issues will start to create a rift between you . Sexual compatibility issues don't disappear. In fact, they tend to continue to grow and become more frustrating and stressful for both partners; especially compounded with Cody's immaturity and insensitivity to you.
 If  you are  determined  to stay with Cody , you must get couples' counseling  to see whether  you can come to a compromise and save your relationship .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/
2009/05/he-wants-to-do-it-all-the-time-i-want-it-never-are-we-screwed/
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am 70 years old , but still enjoy an active life with numerous outdoor activities . My problem is "Ralph" whom I've known for 50 years .
When he has nothing else to do , Ralph phones me to talk ad nauseam about all his health issues , ailments , pharmaceuticals , etc. He never asks how I'm doing , but immediately starts cataloging his myriad problems , none of which are critical .
I have a few issues myself , but I never discuss them with anyone because I cannot conceive of anything more boring than listening to someone complain .
I have caller ID and can avoid Ralph most of the time . He's a good person and a loyal friend , but this has become an obsession I'd like to remedy . How do I address this with him ? 
Bored 
Dear  Bored ,
I know  many people  who enjoy  giving "organ  recitals," but  no one likes  to hear them . Honesty is the best policy with Ralph . He probably has  no idea how he  comes across . Do him a favor and tell him nicely  that his  fixation with his  health, to the exclusion of everything else,  makes  a friendly chat  difficult  and a little  depressing .
If you don't want to try the direct approach....before he gets started, introduce an interesting topic. And change the subject every time he starts tuning up for his organ recital. Unless he is pretty dense, he will eventually get the message
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,One of my best friends has been down in the dumps for a long time now . Ever since the new year , it seems to have gotten worse . It's not that she is without good reason . She lost her job a few years ago and was getting unemployment insurance until the time ran out . Now she is piecing together jobs here and there , but hardly making enough to keep her place and eat . I am at a loss on how to help her . I do not have any real money to give her , and I don't have room for her to live with my family and me .But she is my friend .I want to do something to lift her spirits .Need    some ideas? 
Worried Friend , Biloxi , Mississippi 
Dear Worried Friend
Your friend is feeling that another year is passing her by without any improvement in her situation. Once you've been out of work for six months, employers put you at the back of the job line. They discriminate against the long-term unemployed.
Be a mentor to your friend: be positive and encourage her. Help her reorganize and improve her resume. Do a little job search on her behalf. Make some good suggestions like:
Up-skill:
'The most important thing she can do to boost her chances on the job market after a long spell away is to update her skills or learn new ones. Enroll in free courses offered in her area and she will feel a ripple effect of positivity. This includes increased confidence and morale. She will meet and learn alongside people in the same situation .
Attitude Change:
Be upfront:
If she's been out of work for a long time, it’s absolutely vital to explain the reasons why to employers. Employers understand employment gaps, and her explanation immediately transforms her from being a statistic into a human being with a personal story. Just keep it brief.
Be enthusiastic:
Offer what attributes and skills, such as teamwork, communication and problem solving she can bring to a company; then she should back these up with a genuine interest in the job and the company.
Contact a former employer: If she has a former employer with whom she got on well, she could get in touch and find out the latest trends from someone in the industry. There’s always the possibility that  her ex boss may know of someone who might have an employment opportunity.
Helpful websites:
http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/mississippi_job_training_progr.html
http://mdes.ms.gov/win-job-centers/
http://jobs.monster.com/l-mississippi.aspx
Maxy
Dear Maxy , 
My husband and I have been married for 19 years . We have no children together , but we each have children from previous marriages .
From Day One of our marriage, he made it clear he did not want to pay for Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc. , on my side , which was fine . I've taken care of my side, and he's done his . 
We are now at an age where we need to put our affairs in order . He wants each child to get the same amounnt from our estate , I disagree . I want the amount to be divided in half, and each half then divided between the children on each side . 
We have not been arguing about this . We just haven't taken care of the arrangements . I will agree to whatever you say .
Taking care of business 

Dear Taking Care of Business,

I think your husband made his position clear from the out-set. He distanced himself from your side of the family instead of blending families and sharing responsibilities. He created the divisive conditions of your marriage so I understand your wish to distribute your half of the estate as you see fit. 

But think of the conflict this decision may cause among your beneficiaries. Some of them may contest the will and create contention and ill will among them all. The children from both sides had nothing to do with the post-nuptial arrangements the two of you made, so it seems logical and fair to leave each child an equal amount. An estate planner would recommend the same. In fact, talking to your lawyer would be the best way to settle this.

Don't forget one of you may pre-decease the other and then the decision making control over the estate may shift. Check that out also.
Live long,
Maxy

Dear Maxy.
I am a recent college graduate and now I work as an investment banker for one of the top global investments banks . I studied finance during college and figured this would be a commendable career path . However , almost eight months in , I have come to the conclusion that this is truly not for me . I had some forewarning about my career path and it's work hours , but mine is insane . I'm just not happy . I make decent money for my age , but I don't even have enough time to spend the money I make . I don't know what specific career would make me happy at the age of 23 , but I know what I'm doing right now is not it . Do you have any suggestions ?

Gotta Go 
Dear Gotta Go ,
I strongly recommend  that you stay for  a bit  longer . While  this may not  be  your career track long-term , what you could  do for your professional  reputation is to  work there for at least a year. You want to build a reputation  of being  a professional  who takes  your  job seriously .
Instead  of  giving up just yet, learn everything  you can  about your industry  and  master your  job . You never  know  when  you will need  those skills  in the future . Save as  much money as  you can . Then set out to find a career that will make you happier, perhaps related to your field.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I went to a business meeting at a woman's home and when I arrived, I was asked to remove my shoes . I was taken aback . I have never had anyone make that request before . I felt it was far too much to ask , even though we were at her house . I refused . She gave me a pass, but was upset . Was I wrong ?
Shoe-Free 

Dear Shoe-Free,

Sorry, but you  were wrong . When you go  to someone's house, you must  abide  by that person's  rules . It is also true  that when one  has atypical rules, it is polite for the host  to advise  people  of  them  in advance .

You want  to make guests  feel  comfortable . But  the  bottom line  is  that they  should  be in line with the house rules .

Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have a friend who I always thought was gay . I was Ok with that. It's his business , and I really do believe people should be able to do whatever makes them happy . So the other day he came to tell me he was getting married to a woman and she was pregnant . I was so shocked I didn't know what to say . Over the years I have seen him with lots of men, but never once with a woman . I've been married for five years and I know how much commitment marriage is . I wonder if he gets that and also, if he is gay , how is he going to do this ? Given that he is a good friend of mine , I want to talk to him about it ,  just to see where his head is . Is that going too far on my part ?
Crossing the Line
Dear Crossing the line,
Since you are a good friend and you are sincerely concerned for his future happiness, it is not going too far to talk to him about it. But only if he is willing to discuss it and I think you should make sure of your facts first. You're not sure if he is gay. And if so, has he told his future wife about his sexual orientation ?
FACT: Over 4 million women are currently married to gay men or have been married to gay men in the United States.
FACT: Over 63% of Gay Husbands Will NEVER tell their wives the truth.
Current research shows that most of these couples break up immediately or within the first two years. There is so much to consider in a mixed orientation marriage: children, social considerations, belief systems and personalities, as well as levels of sexual openness between the two of them. They have to decide whether they will be monogamous or have an open marriage. And how much they will tell their families ?
Some men are more attracted to their own gender and attempt to fight their feelings by marrying women, in the belief the relationship will change the way they feel about their own gender.
If your friend is gay, he is making a huge commitment and he would benefit from talking to a councilor or psychotherapist recommended to him by his family doctor.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I fell down at work , kind of randomly . I was walking down the steps headed to a meeting for work and tripped . I broke my ankle and I am on crutches for a few weeks . I feel horrible , literally because my ankle hurts but also because I never meant to cause any trouble . I had to file a worker's compensation claim , and now my boss is mad at me . How can I let him know that I don't mean to be a burden ? I am at work doing my job after having to take a few days off . 
In a Hard Place
Dear in a Hard  Place,
Your  boss knows  that injury on the  job is  something  the  company is  responsible  for  covering . Yes, it  may be  frustrating  for  him , but it doesn't come as a surprise. These things happen from time to time . Naturally you wish  you hadn't  fallen . You can express  your  regret  that this accident  happened when you talk  to your  boss, but  don't  belabor the point . The  best way  to show  your  commitment is to do  your  job well . Even with  this temporary disability , let your  boss see  you are serious  about  your work  and that  you do  not intend  to allow  your injury  to cripple  your  work out-put .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Every year, a co-worker helps his daughter sell Girl Scout cookies and it's hard to say no because the day forces everyone to make a purchase . The cookies are amazing , but I would prefer to purchase them from a place of happiness as apposed to being forced to make a purchase . 
How can I make the experience more enjoyable the next time around because I believe in helping the organization ? 
Cookie Peddler 
Dear Cookie Peddler,
Your co-worker is wrong to put you all in that position. He is presuming upon his office relationships and friendships to strong-arm you into buying the cookies. He also knows you would be reluctant to disappoint a little girl. It's not a competition...it's a charity and the responsibility for selling the cookies should lay with the girl scout. Parents often accompany the girls for safety reasons but it doesn't apply in  this situation.
It is understandable that he would want to help his daughter but you will have to speak up about it if his method offends you. Refuse politely and firmly to make the purchase and tell the co-worker you have made a commitment to the girl scouts in your own neighborhood. If the guy really ticks you off, speak to him privately and tell him you would appreciate it if he excluded you in future.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My parents are getting divorced after 22 years of marriage and it seems to be strongly affecting my mother in a terrible negative way .
Mom has told me that she has contemplated suicide twice . Once, she even held my brother's gun to her head . Everyone in the family, even my grandmother, my aunts and even my boyfriend , think mom needs counseling . 
So how do I suggest it without making her think I am calling her "crazy" ? And another problem is the cost . Mom may refuse to go because it's too expensive . Do you have any suggestions that may help ? 
Concerned Daughter 
Dear Concerned Daughter,
All mentions of sucide  should  be taken seriously . You are right  that your  mother  could  benefit from professional  help  and it  doesen't  need  to be expensive . Tell her  you are worried  about  her  and  it might help if  she  talks  to  someone  about  her  feelings . Free  and low-cost help  is  available  through local  churches, graduate  school  counseling  departments, medical school psychology departments , United Way , the  YWCA, and the YMCA. The Samaritan Institute (  samaritaninstitute.org ) . Nami   ( nami.org ) and  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (suicidepreventionhotline.org ) and through support  groups  such as  the Depression  and Bipolar Support Alliance  (dbsalliance.org ) and Recovery International (lowselfhelpsystems.org ) . Do a little  research on her behalf  and  make  a suggestion, including  a website  or  phone number so she  can get the help she needs.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am noticing a new behavior in my tween daughter that is driving me nuts . Pretty much anything I say to her she rejects as if I don't know what I'm talking about . We are constantly bickering over every little thing . I asked her one day how she became an expert on everything at such a young age , trying to add some levity to the situation . What can I do to stop getting caught up in the arguments .
Stressed Out 
Dear Stressed Out,
According to Dr. Laura Markham, an 11/12 year old girl's hormones are going crazy and their brains are rewiring, so they are famous for their mood swings. They often don't even know why they're having an angry or tearful outburst. They often are ambivalent about "growing up" and resist the bodily changes and societal expectations that are thrust upon them. They begin experimenting with being sassy. It's pretty normal. But you can change the dynamic of the relationship:
1. Reconnect: Hug her more, spend time alone with her, listen more and find out what's going on in her world. Do something she likes....maybe go shopping or out to lunch.

2. Stop criticizing and start appreciating: Consciously remind yourself -- and her -- of all things you love about her. Give her more positive reinforcement and help her build her self esteem.

3. Try to see it from her point of view: Cultivate empathy for her. You may think she is over-reacting or over-dramatizing but girls this age have big feelings. She will learn to moderate them if she feels she is understood by you. 
 Focus on what really matters -- how people in your home treat each other, rather than being a disciplinarian. That doesn't mean you don't set limits. It means you do it in a patient, respectful, calm way, so your child internalizes calmness and respect and the ability to set limits for herself. If you respond to her upsets by getting upset yourself, it's like throwing a match on kindling.

Of course she won't become perfect. So you will need to cultivate the patience of a saint. Is that fair? No. But since when has parenthood been fair? A sense of humor really helps and it can break a tense moment. The bond you build now will last the rest of your life.

Here are some books you can get from the library.... The Everything Tween Book: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Turbulent Pre-Teen Years - by Linda Sonna......How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years - by Julie A. Ross......Six Ways to Keep the "Little" in Your Girl: Guiding Your Daughter from Her Tweens to Her Teens - by Dannah Gresh .

Good luck, Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I get so many emails these days that it is hard to keep track of them . It has become a problem for me because I have missed following up on key messages from my family and work . One of my clients got mad and threatened to take his business elsewhere . It that isn't bad enough , one of my friends got upset because I didn't respond to his invitation to go to his birthday party . I didn't see any of these messages . I feel overwhelmed by technology and really wish I didn't have to manage email . What should I do .

Out of Control
Dear Out  of  Control ,
You need to "make friends" with technology and  figure out  how  to use it  to  your  advantage . Start by  separating  your work  from your  personal life . Create  a new  email  address  specifically  for  your  friends  and  family . Send  a message  to all of  them  from that address  requesting that they use  that one . Next , clean out  your  other email  address . Delete  everything  that is  old  and unneccesary  . Review  everything   and respond  to anything  that is  outstanding . If  you are  late  in your  reply , be sure  to apologize  for  your  tardiness . Being  organized  will help you  stay on top  of  your responsibilities .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My daughter  and her husband  are  using  a surrogate  to have  a baby  . What do I do about  a shower ? 
It is  my daughter's first child  and she and  her husband  are in their late  40s . Should  I make  the shower for them  as a couple  ? Does  she  not  get a shower  because   someone  else  is  actually  pregnant   with the child ?
Grandma-To-Be 
Dear Grandma-To-Be,
It doesn't matter who who is carrying the child . Any new  mother is entitled  to a baby shower  if someone wants  to host one . Of course  , it is better  if  the shower  is  given by friends  and not immediate  family ,  but  these days  few people  pay attention  to those rules . Couple  showers  have  become  more  popular  since  both Mom and Dad (presumable) are raising  the child . Whether  you do that  or  not is entirely  your  choice .  Congratulations .
Maxy 

Dear Maxy,
I am married  to one of  four  siblings who dutifully  took care  of their  aged  parents  until their  mother  died  a few  years  ago . Daddy , in his  mid-80s  , met a bevy  of women at his upscale  care  facility  and proposed  marriage to one of them  within two weeks  . She  turned  him down  , but  a mutual friend  accepted   and she secretly  married  Daddy  shortly thereafter . 
The woman  has  two  children  , both in professional  jobs , one of  whom is  an attorney .At first we like the stepmother  , laughed  a bit  and everyone got  along  well . But  18 months  later  later  , Daddy died  and we discovered  that he  had  drafted  a document  leaving  his estate  to her worth almost a million dollars  to her  . Now  the stepmother  will not  answer  any of  our  calls  and  hangs  up if  we managed  to  get through . We certainly  feel slighted , but this woman  is our legal stepmother   and we would  , with civility , like to make our case  to her  to use  some  of that money  to help with our  children's tuition . How do we addressed her ?
Bombed 
Dear Bombed ,
Oh my . I'm certain  the readers  will come  up with many names  you  can call her , none  of  which is  printable . Your  80-something  father-in-law  signed  over  his estate  to a woman  he  barely  knew  , they married  in secret   and it  lasted  a short  time . This entire  situation  sounds  fishy .  You need  a lawyer . Now .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
One of  my male friends  has asked me  on numerous occasions  to hook him up  with one  of  my female friends . I told  him I don't  think any of  my  girlfriends  would  like him . Nevertheless, he insists . Mind  you , one of my girlfriends has  already meet  him at a party , and  has  confirmed  her  disinterest. What  more  can I say to him ?
Cannot  Take No  For  An Answer 
Dear Cannot Take  No  For  An   Answer,
Rejection is hard to accept , no matter  who you are . This friend of  yours  probably thinks  that because  you are the go between , that he stands  a greater chance  of  getting  a date through you . You need to squash that .Tell him  that you asked  your girlfriends  if they would  like to go  out with him  and they declined . That is very  specific  and definitive.
Further  , as a  friend , talk to him  about the way  he approaches  women . If you already  have a sense  of why he turns off all your  friends  and you think  you can share that with him , do so . He  may not realize  that he  has offensive  behaviors . The  greatest gift  you may be able  to give  him is a clear  sense of how  he is perceived .
Maxy