Ask Maxy

 

Much to our delight, Maxy's Nana (89 years old) will be a guest advisor on Ask Maxy for a few weeks; Providing us with her own unique view on the letters we receive.

  



Dear Maxy ,
I just went to a reunion at my college . I graduated more than 20 years ago and have gone back only once or twice over the years . This was a big event , so I decided to go . It was awkward , because I hardly remembered anybody, but many of my former classmates remembered me . They kept coming up, very nicely to reminisce about things that occurred years ago, and I honestly didn't remember, I tried to be nice, but it felt weird .
Now I've been asked to come back next year for another reunion . It makes me think my former classmates didn't notice how disconnected I was . What should I do to smooth things over if I attend again ?
Forgetful

Dear Forgetful ,
The more time you spend with your college classmates, the easier it will be to remember them by name . you can be cordial and kind to people without making a big investment of time and enegry in remembering their names .
What people want most is to be acknowledged . When I see people whose names or faces I don't remember, I simply greet them warmly . If needed , I ask them to remind me of their name . If they get an attitude , it's on them , but that rarely happens .
One other thing to keep in mind is that it's perfectly normal not to remember people you haven't seen in more than 20 years . You can say you're sorry you can't remember someone with out feeling guilty.
Maxy
Nana approved and agreed with our advice on this letter and pronounced it more than adequate .

Dear Maxy ,
May I vent a little about the extended family of a caregiver ? My relatives live out of state and rarely visit . This for them :
Please don't tell the primary caregiver what to do or how to do it . You don't have all the details and you do not control every situation . Good caregivers are proactive and vigilant . You are loved and your opinions matter . But unless you are a medical expert in these areas, please listen rather than resort to preconceived ideas .
When you do visit , don't say , "I guess you get the day off ." There is never a day off , especially if the loved one is in the hosiptal or rehab and preparations need to be made for what happens after they are discharged .
And while you may think it's "too early" to discuss assisted living or nursing home care , some of these places have waiting lists . It's never to early .
You may want to have a light, enjoyable visit , but some things still need to be handled , even unpleasant things . Life doesn't get put on hold simply because you are in town .
If you want to take over the full-time care , you are more than welcome . Otherwise , please respect the primary caregiver's role and responsibilities, and keep your interference to a minimum . You have no idea what it is like to have a family plus elderly parents to care for , with all the activities , medical appointments, medications and therapies to coordinate and facilitate . You purposely choose to live states away . Please don't fly in and start telling me what to do .
Serving as a primary caregiver is an honor and a privilege . It carries with it a tremendous responsibility and self-sacrifice . I do it out of love and I want what is best for them .
Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Dear Walk ,
I have heard this plea many times and know you speak for thousands of devoted caregivers .
But I also know that many relatives who live away need to feel as if they are contributing and often react by making recommendations and creating stress  .
Sometimes , all they need is a task to perform that will make them feel they are needed in a concrete way . I hope it helps them to understand what it's like to be a caregiver.

Nana feels that 'Walk' is perhaps a little harsh or even a touch bitter in her judgement of her relatives' behavior. Nana does not feel they want to "take over". They just want to take part in some small way. And Nana suggests that it may not be possible for them  to move to 'Walk's' state and be caregivers, so perhaps 'Walk' should not hold that against them.  She should consider their recommendations and take their visit in stride. After all, according to 'Walk' it only happens rarely.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I spent a lot of time with a guy over the summer as friends . There's a good chance he may have had romantic feeling toward me . I had feeling for him as well , but we never talked about it .
I thought we'll still be friends once school started , but we barely talk, and our last conversation was really awkward . Should I give up on being friends at all or try to talk to him about it ?
Missing Him

Dear Missing Him ,
Too bad neither of you acted on your interest in each other . It's not too late though for you to clarify things at the very least .
Definitely seek this guy out and tell him you want to talk . When you are together, start by telling him that you miss him . Remind him of how much fun you two had over the summer .
Nana thinks perhaps you should keep it light but indicate you would like to elevate your friendship to a new level. Men react differently to strong emotion than women and you would not want to  frighten him away. If he feels the same, he will say so in his own good time (no pressure).  Don't ask him what turned him off. Just be yourself and let  nature take it's course.
Maxy