Joke O'the Day

A respectable lady went into a pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist,looked straight into his eyes and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide,please."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied,"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist looked stunned and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy!I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.It's against the law.We 'd both go to prison.All kinds of bad things would happen.Absolutely not!You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,"Well now,that's different.Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

" Ain't Love Grand "

Love is grand don't you think?Growing older does not mean you have to give up the pleasures of life or companionship....I am told it gets better with age.No matter how old men get ,they are still horny.Just remember ladies we are still in charge...we own the choochie(GIGGLES).You will be surprised how much power we have over our men,so ladies,you will have to use it or lose it.I will leave this with you.As I age ,I will do it gracefully.I will keep myself in the best shape I possibly can.There will come a time when he won't lust after you as regularly.That's the time we will snuggle ,because we will have our memories to make us smile.

I am learning about the importance of marriage..it takes two.I am learning that from my two(2) mentors..........."JEANNIE" My Partner in Crime....."JOANNA"my sister that guided me to womanhood...Thanks ladies,for being there....but hey that's just me.

Reincarnation-Believable?-Or Just an Interesting Concept?

When the body dies,it gives up it's energy.It's a scientific fact that,although energy can be converted to another form,it cannot be created or destroyed.So,where does it go?Does it dissipate into the atmosphere?Does it have a kind of consciousness or imprints of memories?Does it convert to some other form of energy?I'm just asking...

Have you lived before?The concept of reincarnation-that our souls may experience many lifetimes,over centuries,maybe even thousands of years,has been present in virtually every culture since ancient times.The Egyptians,Greeks,Romans and Aztecs,all believed in the transmigration of souls from one body to another,after death.

The word reincarnation comes from two Latin words :re=to repeat,and carnis=flesh.Although reincarnation is not a part of official Christian doctrine,many Christians believe in it or at least accept it's a possibility.That's not surprising.The idea,that after death we can live again as another person of either sex and any station in life is intriguing and appealing.And,after all,there are oblique references to it in the bible .For example,Jesus refers to John the Baptist as having been Elijah.If you read these verses you'll see,it's hard to interpret it any other way.We want to believe there is a continuity to our existence.Life is so brief,we barely get started before we're done.

Are there any hard facts to support it,any compelling evidence?Past life regression hypnosis has revealed some fascinating stories.The most famous of which is that of Ruth Simmons.In 1952,her therapist took her back before the point of her birth.Suddenly,Ruth began speaking with an Irish accent and claimed her name was Bridey Murphy,who lived in nineteenth century Belfast,Ireland.Ruth recalled a wealth of details of her life as Bridey,however it was hard to establish if she had existed or not.However some of the people she mentioned living with and working with were proven to have existed during that period.The names were accurate and even the vocations of these people proved accurate.A book and a movie followed,called'The Search For Bridey Murphy'.

There is much anecdotal evidence of children,who,as soon as they learn to speak,are able to tell remarkably detailed stories of people and places they couldn't possibly have seen and events they couldn't possibly have been present at.Some children have been reported as speaking in foreign languages as young as eighteen months old.

Have you ever had deja vu,a strong feeling that you have been in a certain place or house before,or done or said something in exactly the same way before?Maybe you have.Perhaps that's why history repeats itself.The same souls keep coming back and repeating the same things and making the same mistakes over and over.Anything is possible.

Nana's TV.

Nana,a sweet looking little 85 year old tyrant,wanted a new tv,so she asked Brian and I to go and buy one for her.

So you would think,easy peasy,lots of good deals out there right now.It's a buyer's market,but you don't know Nana.Nana doesn't like anything.She hates everything the family does for her and nags us to death about it.Even if Nana liked something,she would never say so.She would nag us on principal.

But,because we're born suckers,or maybe,born losers and because we love her,we accepted the mission.

We figured we could find a nice 42" Samsung or Toshiba for around a thousand dollars.So,armed with our list from Nana we set out.I checked the list: not too big;not too small;simple,but nice design;1080 high definition;easy to operate,not a lot of complicated functions;easy to read remote;free HD package from Rogers,good for a year;a good service warranty;an attractive tv stand with lots of storage;delivery;installation and finally,she wanted them to take the enormous old set away.All this for a thousand dollars.Helloooo,not possible.

We decided to drive off the bridge and end our lives,painfully but swiftly.If we didn't make Nana happy,the pain would go on for much longer.

We started at big electronics stores that had lots of deals.We worked out a deal on a great package that included everything for $2800.We called Nana.She was outraged.She said,absolutely,no more than $1500 dollars.Brian held the phone away from his ear while she let off some steam,then he explained that it was not possible,but he would try to do better.So,more electronics stores,department stores,furniture and appliance stores,factory outlets and finally,back to the store we had started from.Nowhere in town,could we find a better deal.

Wandering through the store again,numb with exhaustion and seeing double,I thought I saw a nice Sony that seemed to fill all the requirements.I blinked a few times in case it was a mirage .It was real.How had I missed it the first time around?It sat on a very nice stand and had all the required features.The tv itself was on special for $1250.We would have to do something about that.I called my husband over.He is an old horse trader with a gift for wheeling and dealing.He badgered that poor salesman until his eyes glazed over and he finally said we could have it for a thousand dollars.Whew!I was sensing victory and it reenergized me.I asked the price of the stand.It was reasonable.Yes!Unfortunately,they had no more in stock.No!

The salesman suggested I look around and find another one.I found a good stand but it cost a hundred dollars more.Time to call Brian into the fray again.He told the poor fellow he would not take the deal unless we got the stand for the same price as the original one.The harassed man sighed deeply and caved in.He didn't know we were driven by fear of Nana.We could save another fifty bucks if Brian assembled the stand himself.Done!

We all trooped over to the counter and let him tally up the total with installation and service package etc.It came to $2200 dollars.Time to call Nana.Brian took the plunge.After his careful explanation,that he had spent the whole day going all over town and this was the best deal to be had,I could hear her yelling that she would not spend a penny over $2000 and they should be grateful for her patronage in these hard times.He looked a little fatigued when he clicked the phone off and turned to the beleaguered salesman and asked him to figure a way to shave it down to $2000.The guy started a frenzy of typing I thought would never end and finally,after eliminating a few more frills, turned to us,smiled wanly and showed us the total,$2000.05.

The first thing I said was ,"pay the five cents."

"I will not,"said Brian."I've done enough.She won't quibble over five cents."

"You better call her and tell her you got the deal she wanted,"I said.

Brian made the call and Nana seemed about as grumpy as she usually was,which could mean she was pleased,if you wanted to interpret it that way.Brian looked happy.

"Don't be too smug,you didn't tell her about the five cents,"I said,relieved to be going home. That five cents bothered me.It seemed to mar the almost miracle we had performed.

Of course,Nana hadn't seen the tv yet.It was entirely possible that she would hate it and send it back.If that happened,we agreed to shoot each other.

Billy Connolly-Scottish Bad Boy

CLICK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpZl718y0dk

Billy is an extremely funny,anecdotal ,blue comedian.This is just a small excerpt from one of his live performances.Be prepared for a little profanity.

AMISH ELEVATOR

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were walking through a mall.They were astounded and amazed at the wonderous things they saw all around them.It was a new experience for them both.
They stopped and stared at two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together.The boy said,"Father,what is this?"
His father(never having seen an elevator before)replied,"I don't know son.I have never seen anything like it in my life ."
While they watched in amazement,a very fat,old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pushed a button.The walls parted and the lady wheeled between them into a small room.The walls closed and they watched the red numbers above the walls change sequentially.Then,they watched the numbers reverse themselves.
The Walls slid back and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.The father leaned over,without taking his eyes off the beautiful woman,and said quietly to the boy,
"go get your mother."

My Nightmare Date --part two

Apparently my date had two personalities:the polite professional one,who seemed calm and confident and the loud,bragging,sexist pig personality that I was trapped in the car with.

He was dressed in expensive,stylish clothes,with glossy hair,a nice white smile and he smelled so good.I had found him physically,very attractive.I amazed myself at how fickle I could be,because I didn't like him at all now.

We arrived at the restaurant and were seated.To give him his due,it was a great restaurant,very expensive.I knew he didn't have a lot of money,so perhaps he was trying to impress me.Now I felt guilty because I didn't like the guy.

He showed off with the wine steward,the big know-it-all.I guess he considered himself something of a wine connoisseur and he ordered food in the same know-it-all way.I knew I was picking faults.The poor guy wouldn't be able to do anything right in my eyes now.

All through dinner,he regaled me with his brilliant career so far.Case by case,I heard how amazingly well he handled all his clients,and what a genius he was in court.I honestly don't remember if he asked me any questions about myself at all.He had probably read my file and knew all he wanted to know.It gradually dawned on me that he was selling himself to me,trying to convince me to buy the product and what a hard sell it was.If he had been a different person ,it might have endeared him to me.I might have told him he didn't have to try so hard.He also told a lot of off colour jokes(very inappropriate on a first date),followed by his piercing laugh.Had I been more worldly,I would have seen that he was sending me a pretty clear message with those jokes.

Mercifully,dinner ended.Once in the car,he said,"it's still early let's go to my apartment for a while."

I replied,"no thankyou,I'd like to go home and check on my children."

"I'd really like to show you my wine collection."

"Perhaps another time."

"Your mom is perfectly capable of taking care of the kids".

"I'd rather not."

"C'mon,do I have to beg you?"

"Of course not.Well,okay,for a little while then."(WHAT!Stupid,stupid woman.)

You have to remember,I related this guy to our family lawyer,a very trusted friend.I had no worries for my safety.When I entered his apartment,I was really impressed.The guy had great taste,understated elegance,even a few good art pieces.He took my coat and as I was looking at a painting he grabbed me from behind and slobbered all over my neck.I squawked in surprise and tried to pull away.

"C'mon,you know why we're here."He slid his hands up over my breasts."I've seen you sneaking looks at me."

I turned around and shoved his chest as hard as I could.I couldn't budge him.In those days all divorcees were considered "Hot to Trot".I had to get out of there,but not before I gave him a piece of my mind.Just as I opened my mouth to tell him what a piece of shit he was,he kissed me and shoved his tongue so far down my throat I gagged.Afterwards,I wished I had blown chunks all over him.If he thought buying me a dinner would get him some sex,then he could have his dinner back.What perfect revenge.

I struggled and he started using a little force."C'mon,no games." he said.

"Get off me 'asshole'."

"Stop being such a bitch.We both need this.I waited a long time for this."

"Then wait till hell freezes over 'fuckhead'."

He said,"I put out for this evening,now you put out.Surely,that's why you came up here."

He shoved me against the wall and ground his pelvis against me.I could tell he was very aroused.I realized if I didn't do something pretty drastic,I might be assaulted.So,when he tried to do the tongue thing again,I bit it,hard.

He squealed like a woman and backed off.His tongue was bleeding.He called me something that sounded like 'cunk'and ran for the bathroom.As a parting shot,I yelled that I was going to tell his boss,and I did.I grabbed my coat and got the hell out of there.

His boss was very appologetic.I'm not sure what happened to the guy and I never asked.I just know I never saw him around the law office again.

Divorcees are not 'hot to trot'.They are wounded,vulnerable and lonely.If you try to take advantage of that,then you,my friend, are a predator (and a fuckhead).

It was a long time before I went on another date and I never again went out with a lawyer.(They should all be castrated.)

The Truth is Out There

A Delta rocket,carrying the Keplar Telescope blasted off from Cape Canaveral Airforce Station in Florida on March 6th.The pioneering Keplar will survey a far corner of the galaxy called the Sygnus Lyra Constellation in hopes of finding other earthlike planets;planets with a perfect atmosphere to support life,not too hot, not too cold and of course lots of water in liquid form.

There will be about one hundred thousand planets within the telescope's field of view.It will observe them from 3 to 3 1/2 years and could be extended to as much as six years.Nasa scientists are looking for periodic dimming of stars. This indicates planets are passing in front of them and allows calculation of the planet's size and orbit.If the orbit takes a year,that is another parallel to our own planet.When such a planet/planets are observed they will send up a bigger telescope for much closer study.

Everyone knows that finding a planet like Earth is the Holy Grail of all astronomers.Some people like to think that we are the only living beings in the vast universe.How lonely.

I like to believe there is life in some form,inhabiting at least a few of the billions of planets in the universe.

The truth really is out there.

A Slap on the Back for Barrack

President Obama is expected to lift the ban on federal funding for research on stem cells.it should be official by Monday.

President Bush blocked the use of government monies to fund research on human embryonic stem cell lines created after August 09/2001.

Scientists say stem cell research will definitely lead to medical breakthroughs.

Some religious groups still oppose the research .We'll have to drag them,kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

The stem cells used in the research are harvested from unused embryos created as a result of in vitro fertilization at fertility clinics.These embryos would normally have been destroyed after a certain period of time.What a waste of viable cells.The stem cell is a chameleon like cell that can transform itself into any other type of human cell,be it bone,muscle or nerve.One embryo can provide a limitless supply,because the cell lines can be grown indefinitely.Researchers have also been developing techniques to create stem cells without using embryos,by modifying other types of cells.Some of the first people to benefit from this research will probably be those paralyized by spinal chord injuries.

Dr.George Daley of the Harvard Stem Cell Institute,said,"I feel vindicated after eight years of struggle.I know it's going to energize my team."

President Obama said,"The restrictions placed on funding of 'human embryonic stem cell research'have handcuffed our scientists."He also indicated,we need to keep pace with the rest of the scientific world....Kudos Mr.Pres.

CHUCKLES

Some Days....

You've probably had a day,or many days, you'd rather forget.Maybe you woke up late.You didn't have time to shower or wash your hair.Just a quick wash and out of the house with your hair sticking up in all directions.You don't feel put together right.Your outfit was a bad choice and you notice you have stains on your shirt.

Where are the damn car keys?"I'm late!Where'd I put the fucking keys?"

"Kids,please help me find the keys."...."I'll give you money."

If you could just freeze that tableau, step outside of it and walk away,would you?Escape,just for a few hours or a whole day.Go somewhere,where no one could find you,where you could be completely alone.A quiet place,no sound but birds singing,a soft breeze blowing,a tinkling of water flowing.With a good book in one hand and a fishing pole in the other,or maybe just a cup of coffee,you would sit by a small lake with sunlight bouncing on the ripples...Ahhhh!

Maybe your preference is soaking in a fragrant tub of bubbles,with candles around you and a glass of wine.Again...Ahhhh.

Whatever your escape might be,every once in a while,just do it.You deserve it.The world won't stop spinning.Nothing at work has such earth shattering importance,it can't wait a few hours.This is important to your emotional and spiritual health,to your sense of well being.

Our life pace is too frantic,too harried,too controlled by the clock.I can't count the number of times a day I look at my watch and reorganize and reprioritize my schedule.

Honestly,we're here for a blink,in the scheme of things.You don't realize that, until you're in your fifties and life starts hurtling past you so fast,you get a little scared.You get a feeling that you've missed something.You consider the possibility you might have been pursuing the wrong things.You realize,you really can't take anything with you,so you better start savoring it right now.

If you think this is just another homily,telling you to stop and smell the roses....You're right.So,go and smell them.

Jakey's joke

Love from Jakey(9 years old)

Brain Teaser

It Never Happened

A British Catholic bishop has been asked to leave Argentina,where he resided.He was accompanied to the airport by two officers.Before boarding the plane to London,he angrily raised his fists to reporters and started shoving one of them.

He had refused to retract some rather radical statementswhen asked to by the government,the church and repesentatives of the Jewish faith.

He contends that the Nazis never used gas chambers.He also claims that only two or three hundred thousand Jews perished in Nazi concentration camps and certainly none of them in gas chambers.

The incident thoroughly embarassed the Vatican.The Pope said he was completely unaware of bishop Williamson's views.Pope Benedict met Amerian Jewish leaders in a show of solidarity with victims of the Holocaust.

How many door knobs have claimed the Holocaust never happened?At least this guy has a new twist.It apparently happened,but was greatly exaggerated and the Nazis were actually very nice guys.Puleeeze!How can he make the deaths of more than six million people vanish?Pretty neat trick.

Fortunately,the Nazis were fanatic record keepers;documents ,

photographs,diagrams even freakin movies.

Hellooo!You nut bars.It happened,accept it,be sad for it,learn from it and then

go out and find a better cause,like saving the polar bears.

So You've Had a Bad Day

These are real people who have had a much worse day than you,so,cheer up.

A psychology student in New York,rented out her spare room to a carpenter,in order to study his reactions to constant nagging.After weeks of needling he beat her repeatedly with an axe and left her brain damaged for life.I guess her experiment worked.

Two animal rights activists were protesting and picketing outside a slaughter house in Bonn,against the cruelty of the methods of slaughtering pigs.Suddenly two thousand panicked pigs broke through a fence and trampled the two protesters to death.That's gratitude for you.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal,after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was about $80,000.At a special ceremony,two of the seals were released back into the wild,amid cheers and applause.Moments later they were both eaten by a killer whale.Truth.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored for 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.He took the only manuscript to have it copied,only to have it reduced to 50,000 shreds in a few seconds,when a worker mistook a paper shredder for a copier.Poor Ulf.

Iraqui terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.It came back with"return to sender"stamped on it.Apparently,forgetting it was a bomb,he opened it and blew himself to bits.True story.

According to the British Sunday Express,John Bloor mistook a tube of super glue for hemorroid cream and glued his buttocks together.I can foresee a particular problem Mr Bloor.

Also a Brit;Henry Smith was arrested a few minutes after returning home with a stolen stereo.I guess he had forgotten he had his name proudly tatooed on his forehead.

Mike Robinson,according to the British Sunday Express,called the police to deliver a bomb threat and got so agitated at the mounting cost of the call,he screamed,"Call me back,"and then gave them his number.

As her tearful family gathered around her coffin,in a New York funeral parlor,Julia Carson sat bolt upright and asked,what the hell was going on.Celebrations were short lived ,as her daughter dropped dead from shock.

Fire investigators in Maue determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a beautiful home last month was a short in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention and alarm system."This is even worse than last year",said the distraught home owner,"when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

These are all true stories.So you see,your day wasn't so bad.

My Friend

I miss you my friend.I hope you are being treated gently and with compassion.

You have an ordeal to go through.It will hurt you and shame you and make you want to give up.I understand.Endure it if you can.It will pass and you will find peace again.

You have so many more years ahead of you to find your place in the world,to discover why you are here.You are a good and worthy person.Tuck those words deep inside somewhwere and don't let anyone take them from you.

I always knew you were living on time that didn't belong to you,enjoying an uneasy freedom,looking over your shoulder.I knew it wouldn't last.I'm sure you knew also.Lately,I think you knew your stolen time was coming to an end.You seemed to grow a little more desperate.I felt you reaching out to me.

I think of you often,I hope and pray you survive this difficult time and I'm sending you strength and courage and dignity.I hope you receive them.

Goodbye Heidi.

Guys

Gals

Lifted-My Favorite Pixar

This is my all time favorite Pixar short film.If you haven't seen it,please enjoy it,with my compliments.

Click: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2lTH6mkzhw

Sorry,I posted the wrong"LIFTED" .It was just a short clip.The correct one is now in place.

Global Warming Protest

Thousands showed up for the GLOBAL WARMING PROTEST.The attendance far exceeded expectations.Special interest groups strongly recommended that the government address climate change as soon as possible....