Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My father has been a bully for as long as I can remember . He has unending excuses for his behavior , but the bottom line is , he thinks nothing of brow beating people to get what he wants , sometimes to the point of being cruel . He never sees it as wrong . It is always someone else fault .
It doesn't matter whether it's as simple as passing the salt . He refuses to ask . He demands . And the words "please" and "thank you" are not in his vocabulary . Neither is "I'm sorry." Nor does he appreciate anything nice you might do . He only finds fault with the way you did it . 
Dad is a senior citzen and claims he is entitled to behave this way . I don't believe anyone is entitled to be rude and nasty especially to their own family .I know I cannot change him , but this taking a toll on our relationship . He would never consider counseling . He says I need to respect him and cater to him . How can I respect someone who is so toxic ? 
Crying Kid 
Dear Crying ,
No one is entitled to be rude and nasty. Some people just are ... They poison every environment they happen to be in and make people miserable. The truth is, that people who routinely make nasty comments usually feel so inadequate and unsure of themselves that they attempt to elevate themselves by putting others down. Once you digest that, you have to decide what you want to do next.
You have a good grasp on the situation ---   you have observed your father's behavior and realize you aren't likely to change him . But it just isn’t emotionally healthy for you to stay in that environment. The answer is obvious but not simple. You have to stay away from him.
You need to tell him you refuse to be treated so poorly and that you are leaving and may or may not return at another time. Then walk out .  It will take some courage to confront him but you can do it. If that doesn't tone things down, at least you won't be where he can target you .
The fact he doesn't say "please" or "thank you" is ill-mannered , but not a deal breaker . I'd let that pass . But if he browbeats you again to the point of cruelty, be assertive and let him know why you are leaving.
Do this the very next time your dad is verbally abusive. It is not  disrespectful to your father . It  is a matter of self-preservation .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
We are blessed to live on the lake where many people vacation . Our dear family and friends , who live several hundred miles away , likes to stay with us , sometime for weeks at a time . it gets so busy that we have to take reservations , leaving a few days to launder the linens , clean the rooms , restock the fridge , catch up on the household responsibilities and recuperate between guests.
Over the years , we have learned that there are two kinds of guests , Visitors and Vacationers .Visitors are those who come primarily to see us and do everything they can to make it easy , enjoyable and memorable for everyone . They pitch in , make no demands and are a pleasure to have . Vacationers , however , regard our home as a hotel and restaurant at which they expect to be served their favoriate meals , be waited on and catered to and entertained by us . They are tolerated because they are family or close friends .
As much as we enjoy these people , it can be stressful , exhausting and expensive time for us senior citzens .
Thus , we eagerly await the arrival of Visitors and the departure of Vacationers . 
Living Where People Vacation Shreveport
Dear Living Where People Vacation,
It may be time for you to set some house rules so people stop taking advantage of you . Provide a list of nearby restaurants, hotels and suggestions for entertainment to those inconsiderate vacationers.  Sometimes people do not realize they are behaving selfishly but they should be gently nudged to another location for their holiday. If you feel you have to offer them hospitality for a while, tell them from the start how long they will be welcome to stay and stick to it. They should also be told to kick in money for food and do their share of chores.
This is a situation that will never right itself. In fact it may become worse as the next generation adds their vacations to your burden. You will be forced to speak up.
Just have the guests you really enjoy stay with you. And they should also be advised that their stay has limitations.
It seems to me, that your family and friends need to be informed that you are getting older and are unable to accommodate them much longer. If they are good people, they will accept it and thank you for all you have done for them.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am planning to take a trip at the end of the year to visit a friend I met when I was in college . It has been about threre years since we have seen each other , because she lives in Asia . But we have kept in touch and agreed that we would get together at this exact time . I have been saving my money and talking to her , and I am very excited about taking this international trip and visiting her . When I tell my friends about my plans , they think I am crazy . They pester me about hanging out with them instead and going to the beach this summer and doing other things that I can't afford if I am to going to be able to take this trip . They also talk about me like I am crazy for spending so much money to see somebody who is not my girlfriend . 
I feel perfectly happy about my decision . She and I are friends and I am excited to have a new experience and strengthen a great friendship . Do you think I am being naive ?
Headed East
Dear Headed East,
 You are not naïve at all . In fact your friends sound much more immature than you. You have made a definite plan and are looking forward to it ( I feel perfectly happy about my decision. She and I are friends and I am excited to have a new experience and strengthen a great friendship ). The answer is right there in your own words.
You sound like you have a level head ; go ahead and  expand your horizons . Just because your choices are different from your friends' doesn't mean they are wrong in any way. Stick to your plan .
Keep saving, stay in close touch with your friend in Asia . Ask her how much money  you will need to be comfortable during your stay . Be honest with her  about the resources that you have . Ask her about any customs that will help you be readily accepted. Bon voyage
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I was offered a job in Southern California , and it sounds like a dream job , but I am very worried about taking it .for one , I am a Southern girl , and all my roots are here . I don't know anyone out there and I am also worried about the weather . Los Angeles has earthquakes and droughts and now flooding . It's crazy . I am not sure how to find my bearing . What should I do ? 
On the Fence
 Dear On The Fence ,
Considering a cross-country move can be daunting for anyone. Before you give up on this opportunity, do some research ( pros and cons) Yes , the West Coast of our country experiences specific weather challenges . What about where you live ? No part of the country is devoid of weather issues .
The real issue is going someplace where you will be all alone. You will have to get established quickly, once there.  Ask the human  resources at the new company for help before you go. They may give you some valuable contacts. Get on your computer and get maps of the city to learn  your way around so you can explore when you get there. Read some of the local newspapers to get a feel for the town and the local politics. Call some real estate people, tell them what you want, and set up appointments to view apartments or homes. Look up the shopping areas, the entertainments, the best places to eat. The Chamber of Commerce may have useful information and the Tourist  Information website will tell you all about the local parks and places to see.
 By the time you get there, it will be like you lived there for years.
Meeting new colleagues and making friends will come easy to you once you have decided to make the move. It could be the opportunity of a lifetime. Don't be held back by your fears. You can do it ... if you want to .
 Good Luck, 
Maxy