Dear Maxy ,

I have an etiquette question about holding doors open . How long or at what distance is it appropriate to shut a non-automatic door when someone is obviously going to be walking in after you ?

I have waited for people who ended up looking at me weirdly , and I've accidentally shut the door when someone who was walking faster than I expected . I also have had doors close on me by people who won't wait regardless of how close I am .

I find it rude not to wait the few seconds to keep the doors open , but how much time is too long ?

Stuck

 

Dear Stuck ,

This is a very subjective question , and there is no exact answer . I'd say hold the door if the person walking behind you would arrive within ten seconds . If the person has a large number of packages, a bunch of young kids or is disabled , wait longer . Please err on the side of kindness . A few "weird" looks are better than accidentally slamming the door in someone's face .

Maxy

 

Dear Maxy,

I have a very close family . We are not perfect , but we try to be there for one another when it counts . My in-laws are a different story . They are very self-absorbed . In my family , when someone is seriously ill or hurt , we call and visit and try to help . But when I had surgery , and then again when my husband was sick , my in-laws didn't even phone . In the 20 years that I have known them , they have never done anything remotely thoughtful for us .

When we first married , I tried to be positive by saying they are simply different I told myself that I owe them my respect because they are my husband's family . I never complained about them . However , as the years passed , it's become harder to tolerate their behavoir , and I can no longer hold my feelings . My husband still thinks we should have his parents over for dinner and holidays , but it's hard to be around them for an hour , much less an entire evening .

Am I being unfair to my husband ? I'm trying to take your advice and find something to like about my in-laws , and I simply cannot . Could you help me handle it better ?

Help

 

Dear Help ,

The only thing you need to like about your in-laws is that they raised your husband , whom you love . And it's possible that their lack of consideration is less about not caring and more about not knowing how to behave appropriately .

Please continue to invite them for holidays and an occasional dinner out of respect for your husband , and work on finding a calm place in your head .

Maxy

 

Dear Maxy ,

My younger brother "George" is on the autism spectrum . He has a friend "Cindy" with similar needs . For the past few years , my parents have welcomed Cindy into our home , and now she feels comfortable inviting herself over and doing whatever she wants . This means bossing George around and yelling at him while he advoids her by watching TV in a different room . She also carries our cats as if they are dolls .
Cindy is in her late teens and should know better , but she is loud , pushy and obnoxious . She doesn't listen when someone tells her "no" . Despite my best efforts to be polite and civil . I cannot tolerate her . When she's here , I leave the house or lock myself in my room .
I have tried talking to my parents about Cindy , pointing out her behavior and the way she treats George , but my pleas fall of deaf ears . Cindy's parents aren't any better . In fact , I think they are taking advantage of us by letting Cindy spend so much time here . But I seem to be the only one bothered .
Is there anything I can do to put an end to these visits without causing offense ? I can't take much more of her ?
Outraged

Dear Outraged ,
Cindy's behavior may not be as tempered at this age as you seem to believe it should be , but I urge you to be less judgmental . In fact , you are in an excellent position to explain to Cindy how to treat the cats more gently and behave in a more exceptable manner . But if you don't wish to work with her , she should not be your problem . George can tell your parents if he no longer wants Cindy to visit , and they should supervise more closely . I suspect they are avoiding her , too .
Maxy