A Few Dane Cook Jokes...Why?...Because He's Certifiably Insane

 Dane Cook Jokes:
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey, because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.


I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"


Nobody talks to 'THAT' guy. But let me tell you something. Every job I ever had in my life, I talk to 'THAT' guy. I'd talk to him, I'd find him on purpose and I'd have little chit-chats with him, and I'd be very interested and be like, "By the way, here's a Snickers, that's for you. Peanuts, caramel, put that in your mouth, enjoy that." You know why I talk to 'THAT' guy? Because when that day finally comes, and he ffffffffffp SNAPS, and he comes into work with a sawed-off shotgun, walkin' through the halls (gunfire noises) and he finally gets to my office, he's gonna be like, "Thanks for the candy." (continues walking, shooting) You laugh now, but you know Monday morning, you're gonna be like, "HEEEEEY  MARCUS !"

Not everyone's cup of tea but I like him.