Chuckles...Stop me if You've Heard This One

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and chopped up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

A man walks into bank, up to the teller, and says to her, "I wanna open a f*cking checking account".
The teller replies, "Excuse me"?
The man repeats, "I said I wanna open a f*cking checking account".
The teller puts down her pen and says firmly, "If you're going to talk like that, I 'm going to get the manager".
The man says, "Go ahead! Go get the d*mn manager".
So she replies, "All right, I will" and she gets up from her chair and hastily leaves. A couple of minutes later she comes back leading a well groomed man in an expensive business suit, and she points to the man at counter, saying, "That's him right there"! So the manager approaches the window.

"How may I help you"? he asks.
The man replies, "I wanna open a f*cking checking account".
The manager, in turn, replies, "I beg your pardon"?
So the man explains ~ "Listen, I just won 126 million dollars in the state lottery, and I wanna open a f*cking checking account"!

The manager gasps and says, "Ohhh... I see! .... and this f*cking b*tch wouldn't help you"??

Little Billy noticed that Freddy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Billy.

"Nope." replied Freddy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Freddy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Billy. "No," said Freddy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Billy was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Freddy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Billy replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."


.A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but… I just couldn’t understand why they were all fighting over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team called it and then for the rest of the game, they kept yelling: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandpa lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"


"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f*cking business!!"

Three men are captured by cannibals.The chief tells them "You three will be killed and skinned. Your flesh will be eaten and your skin will be turned into canoes. But being the chief, I grant all of you a last request."
The three men are desperate and terrified of being killed. But finding no way to escape, the first man requests that the cannibals kill him in the most painless way possible.

So the cannibals poison him, allowing him die a slow but painless death.

The second man asks for paper and pen as he wished to write a last loving letter to his family before dying. So the cannibals grant him his request.

The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals looked confused, wondering what he was going to do with a fork. However, they hand him the utensil. He takes the fork in his hand, and pointing it toward himself, starts stabbing and puncturing himself all over, screaming and shouting, "Now try and make a f*cking canoe out of me !!"

A man who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks comes upon the home of a missionary one blistering hot day. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town and asks if he can borrow his horse.
The missionary says, "Certainly, but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, whatever."
So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse takes off at a gallop.
Pretty soon he sees a steep cliff coming up and does everything he can think of to make the horse stop. He hauls back on the reins; he yells, "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" He can't remember the missionary's instructions. The cliff looms ever closer and finally the missionary's words come back to him.

"AMEN!!"he screams.
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff's edge.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

***HAVE A NICE DAY***