Do You Believe ??

Recently, my family had a discussion about when one stops believing in Santa Claus. It’s interesting that one segment of the population (kids) accepts the Santa concept completely  while all others do not. I  spent more time than it was worth thinking about other beliefs that one portion of our society deems the truth, while others  scoff. Cher once asked in song, “Do you believe in life after love?” The Lovin’ Spoonful musically asked, “Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s heart?’ I simply ask, “What do you believe?” Let’s delve into the human mind, shall we?

Aliens Visiting Earth: There is a good-sized chunk of people out there who believe in the visitors-from-another-world-probing-people’s-butts thing. They subscribe to magazines with names like “Abduction Tales” (or perhaps"Tails" because of the probing). They chat with others online about what is really going on in Area 51 and also in an empty wooded lot behind the super Wal-Mart near their home. These people did really well on science projects in school and always came up with something more in-depth than that dumb baking soda volcano that we scabby kneed brats, who hated science, always reverted to  (Point to remember: These alien abduction people always sucked at sports).
When I have insomnia I watch the space channel too but I do not believe there is any being who is smart enough to traverse the galaxy and yet is dumb enough to think the best way to study us is to probe something out of our butts which they wish to keep and study closely. Do I think there is life somewhere else in the galaxy? A big yes to that one but they are not interested in what is in your ( or my) butt.

Ghosts and Demons Among Us: These people study parapsychology in college, and, except for a few who actually find gainful employment in that field, end up working in a bookstore or library part time. They pore over photographs looking for weird white orbs in the background and listen to audio tapes recorded overnight in cemeteries hoping to catch whispered phrases such as, “I need a snorkel,” apparently uttered by someone who drowned 15 years ago. They warn us of the evils of Ouija boards while secretly holding séances to ask if Grandpa is in a happy place. They don’t date much but are prone to being attacked  ( and or raped)  in their own bed by a ghostly “entity.” They have The Exorcist memorized and have a poster of Linda Blair, green puke et al.
 There may or may not be an afterlife, but I can only keep my sanity if I refuse to believe that any, self respecting, spirit  would waste their afterlife time whispering into a tape recorder that was planted by a grave by an amateur spook hunter who's hiding behind a tree. If I’m ever a spirit in that situation, though, I plan to mess with their heads by saying things like, " I was killed by aliens who stuck a probe up my butt." (Despite my scepticism, I plan to stay away from Ouija boards just to be on the safe side.)

Things Will Work out:  This one’s a little different. These are the people who believe that the stars will align for them one day, and, without having to do any planning or making any real sacrifices, they will find their soul mate, their perfect job, and will have the perfect house, car, boat etc. These people usually drop out of college the first year. They are pretty sure they’ll win a car from Drew Carey on The Price Is Right (despite the fact that they are not actively trying to get on the show), and it will only be a matter of time before some publisher reads their blogs and begs them to write for their magazine. They know their soul mate is out there, and they are not the least bit alarmed that their past  relationships have fallen apart within six months. Also, their retirement plans usually consist of winning the Power Ball lottery. Today’s politically correct atmosphere has really killed any gumption these people might have had at one point. They’ve had it pounded into their brain that everyone is extremely special and if they just wait, things will work out.

The Government is Conducting Secret Projects just to Screw with us:  These people have twelve months’ worth of water, canned sardines and ammunition hidden underground. They believe the government has been involved in conspiracies in the following areas: JFK assassination, 911, airplane exhaust comtrails (the white lines left in the sky), pink Teletubbies promoting homosexuality, cell phones causing brain damage, subliminal messages in pop songs and cartoons, battery packages being impossible to open, potato chip bags being only 1/3 full when you open them ; El Nino weather patterns, the New England Patriots’ winning streak and the unprecedented number of earthquakes in the world lately. They see conspiracies in everything and trust no one. Stay away from these people unless you're out of sardines or wish to spend some time in an underground bunker.

I haven't even scratched the surface of belief systems. For every person there is a uniquely individual belief. And that's what makes us wonderful and interesting and funny and endearing and it makes the world go round.