"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." Those wry and witty words were uttered by Barten Holyday, an Englishman who died in 1661, protected, now, from a class action suit by the statute of limitations. This was not the first lawyer joke delivered by mankind, nor, by any means, the last.Milton Berle once quipped, "Most attorneys practice the law because it gives then a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand and they feel glorious."
A POLICE JOKE
1)"The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
2)"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."
3)Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
4)The devil's offer:
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
5)A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."Sure; Right after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
LAWYER ONE LINERS:
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
5)A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."Sure; Right after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
LAWYER ONE LINERS:
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a crooked lawyer? A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep. A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: A lawyer can get 'Frequent Flyer Miles'.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last longer.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a crooked lawyer? A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep. A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: A lawyer can get 'Frequent Flyer Miles'.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last longer.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
RULES FOR HUNTING ATTORNEYS IN WASHINGTON STATE
GENERAL:
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
GENERAL:
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
I HAVE MORE, SO MUCH MORE. BE AFRAID.
