Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My best friend  invited  me  to go on vacation with her and her family this summer,  free of charge . She knows that my funds are limited  and that I could never pay for this trip myself . I think that it's really nice  hat she would  make such a generous  invitation, but I feel weird  about it . I will hardly have money for incidentals  during  the trip . It feels weird to be a freeloader, even if  it is my friend . Her parents are cool about it . I know they have taken friends on trips with them before, like when we were in college, but we've been out of school  for two years  now . They are not showy people, so I don't think  they will make me feel bad . They love me . We have been friends  for 10 years  . What do  you think I should do ?
Broke  Guest
Dear Broke  Guest ,
Given the way  you describe  your friend and her parents, it seems  that they genuinely want to include  you in their  family vacation . Indeed, it sounds like they  are including  you as a family member .
In order  for  you to say yes, though  you have to make peace with the idea and put aside your pride. Then speak to your friend and thank her for the invitation . Be clear  about  how happy  you are  that they are being so generous . Admit to her that you will likely  not have much spending money  because  your finances  are very tight at the moment . If she understands, and I think she will, go and  have a great time .
Maxy

Dear  Maxy ,
My daughter applied  to 11 colleges  and she was accepted to all of them . The  colleges are  mostly on theEast Coast, and we are trying  to figure  out which  college will be best suited for our child . It is  such a blessing to know that my husband  and I do not  have to take out  additional  loans, but we are concerned  because  we want  to make the right decision  regarding  our daughter's  education . How do we decide  where  she  should go ?
Going to College
Dear  going to College,
Congratulations on so many acceptances  . You should be very proud that your daughter is so desirable to these schools . I will caution you, however,  that unless each acceptance came with an official  scholarship offer, you cannot assume that you  will not  have to pay  for her education . Acceptance  and admission  represent only the first  steps  in this process . Next is paying  for it .
Read  the paperwork  carefully  and identify which schools are offering  financial  support . If you need the support, weed out  any schools  that  are not offering  your  daughter money . Of the ones that are left, review  the curriculum  of each school  with your  daughter  to identify  which ones have  courses in her areas of  interest . To the best of  your  ability, help  your daughter  select  a school that will educate her based  on what she believes  she wants to study . This  will help ensure  that she has  a successful  college experience. And I am sure it will be wonderful.
Best of luck,
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I'm a high school student  in a small town  and I'm really scared  for my health .
My maternal grandmother  died of  breast cancer  and she left behind  three daughters  two of  whom have  daughters of  their own . There's a high chance that my mother, aunts , cousin or I  will have breast cancer as well .
I'm scared to  the bone of this disease and I'm always  nervous  that my self-exams  aren't terribly accurate . I've talked to  my mom about getting  a professional  exam or  even a mammogram, but I always  feel like  she avoids  the subject  . Is there  anyway  I can get an exam  without my  mother knowing ? If not , how can I convince  her to get me one ?
Worried
Dear  Worried ,
While having a close relative  who has had  breast cancer can increase your risk factor, it  doesn't necessarily  mean  that anyone else in your family  will get it . A small percentage of the population  carries  the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene and if  Grandma had this, your mother  should  speak  to her  doctor  about genetic testing . Otherwise your  risk is no greater  than any girl your age .
But  I agree  that an exam  might put your mind at ease . Ask your mother  to make an appointment  for you with a gynecologist . If she  refuses, you can talk to your  pediatrician  about this at your next appointment, or  contact Planned Parenthood  (planned-parenthood.org) for information . Most adult women get a mammogram every one or two years. Keep up the self exams; they are important and you would notice any prominent abnormality. Survival rates from breast cancer have been steadily climbing since 1989. This is the result of earlier detection through screening and increased awareness among women. Also the treatment has improved in leaps and bounds.
Don't be frightened,
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am upset with my job , I have seniority  and I am single . I just learned  that a woman who is my junior  was granted  a lengthy Christmas vacation  when I was  not granted my request for one . I believe  she was given  preference  because she  has a family with small children . I have earned my time off  and I thought  that if you  were more senior, you should be given  preferential treatment  . I asked for my time off  months ago, so it's not like  it was a last-minute  request . How can I appeal  this without sounding petty?
Feeling Dissed
 
Dear Feeling Dissed ,
Go to your manager  and ask about your vacation . Inquire  as to why  you were not given  the time you requested . Point out when you made  your request . If you do not feel satisfied  with the answer  you are given, bring up your colleague . Note that she is your junior and that you feel slighted  that she would be given  the time  when  you doubt she asked for it first  and you have  seniority . You can also  ask if she was given  the time because  she has a family . Understand that if this is the case, it would be considered  discrimination .
Maxy


Dear Maxy ,
The letter  from "Family Ties" struck a cord  with me . The daughter  wanted her mother  to start  hosting  Christmas  dinner  again after a 15-year hiatus . You agreed with the daughter  that siblings  and cousins  could offer to clean  and be responsible   for cooking  and therefore, convince her mother  into holding  it at her house again .
It's high time  for one of the younger  people jump in and host  this event . Their homes  may not be as large  ... so what ? Family doesn't mind  being crowded  together .
As a young wife  and mother 45 years ago . I had to beg my husband's family  to allow us  to host thanksgiving . We hosted all the family holidays  as the elder members  were lost  to nursing homes  or death . Give Mom her due .
Pushing 70

Dear pushing 70 ,
I understand  your position  and it makes  sense that  family tradition  is passed  from one  generation  to the next . My understanding  of "Family  Ties"  was that  the mother  was the glue  in the family  and not everyone  was getting together  because the mom was no longer  hosting  the meal . My idea was  a  compromise  ... the young ones  could prepare the meals  at  mom's house .
Sometimes a hybrid  idea can work . But that does  not negate  your point, that the young  families  should take  the baton  and continue  the traditions  leaving  a seat of honor  for the older  folks  while accepting  the responsibility  for the celebration .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

 

Dear Maxy,
As a military war veteran and someone raised in the midst of inner-center violence, I have learned a great deal  about post-tramatic stress disorder (PTSD). There are many misconceptions about this common and treatable illness and I want to make sure your readers know the truth  about PTSD and how to get help if they need it .
When I got out of the service , I could only sit in certain places . I couldn't be in crowds  or tolerate any kind of loud trafic noise (not easyfor a New Yorker) . I couldn't sit next to a window .If anyone came up behind me to say hello , I would drop them to the ground, expecting an attack .
I didn't recognize this at the time as being PTSD . I know there are many others with stories  like mine  and I want them to know that PTSD is a real illness with real treatment  options . It is also important to know that this doesn't only affect members of the military . Anyone who experiences a traumatic event can develop PTSD.
It wan't easy , but I eventually got  the help I needed  and am in a better place . June 20 is PTSD Screening Day , and June is PTSD Awareness Month . Anyone can go online  and take a free and anonymous screening at (PTSDScreening.org) to see whether their symptoms are consistent with those of PTSD . It can be hard to reach out  and ask for help , but doing so can make a huge difference .
William Terry
Dear Mr. Terry ,
Thank you for sharing your story with the readers . You are correct that anyone who has witnessed or experienced truma can suffer  from PTSD . This includes anyone affected by recent tragedies  such as Sandy Hook , the Boston Marathon and the tornadoes in Oklahoma . The first step to getting help is identifying  the problem .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My sweet , kind 33-year-old college-educated husband has regressed into a teenager . He has already been a marijuana user, but a year ago , he befriended "Jack"  and now the two of them smoke marijuana daily . They spend their evenings riding skateboards , playing videos games  and hanging out  with college kids .
I would like to buy a house, have children and further  my education . My husband says he want the same things, but he always have an excuse  for not saving money . We both have good jobs  and he promises to start putting money aside "next month." It never  happens . I know he won't give up pot . Am I wrong to put my foot down  and expect him to grow up ?
Mad as a Mother Hen
Dear Mad ,
You and your husband do not have compatible goals . He wants to be an irresponsible child while you do all the work . And so far, you have gone along with that. Maybe he's afraid to grow up, maybe he's too addicted to pot, maybe he simply a Peter pan . Ask him to come with you to counseling so the two of you can work on a more equitable partnership . If he is unwilling or if nothing changes, there is unwilling or nothing changes, there is no future  here unless you want to spend  the next several years  mothering this grownup child . It's a painful lesson  to learn that love isn't always enough  to turn someone into marriage material .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My friend's son married a lovely young woman whose only brother  died  a few years ago . The wife kept her maiden name  after marriage  for professional reasons .
The couple is expecting their first child and the wife would like the baby named after her deceased brother , giving him her last name . Her reasoning is that it would ensure that her family name would be carried on . Her husband has male cousins  who can carry on the family name, but she doesn't .
My friend is in shock, if her son agrees  to this irrational request , she believes her family name stops there . In her mind, cousins do not count  in carrying on one's lineage . However, she doesn't want to cause  a family rift by openly and strongly opposing this possibility . Do you have any suggestions  for her .?
Friend of the family
Dear Friend ,
This is completely up to the couple  and your friend should try to stay out of it . Frankly , the wife has a stronger claim  for carrying on the family name . It's also possible that the couple will have other sons. Plenty of women object to the old-fashioned (and sexist) notion that only the boys count when it comes to lineage . I know your friend is hurt  and disappointed, but if she wants a relationship  with her son , his wife and their child , she needs to put this aside .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am a 57 year-old man with no siblings and my mother is deceased . My 82-year old father is physically healthy, but he's in the early stages of dementia . He has a few hobbies to keep him busy, but for some reason, he has become obsessed with me .
Dad has become rather "needy." Sometimes he calls me two three times a day, even when I'm at work . He insists I go to his house everyday, even if there is no particular reason .
I know Dad is probably lonely, but still . He doesn't have a lot of friends due to his attitude and sharp tongue . He has become demanding, insisting I do things immediately rather than when I have the time . He also has grown very mean-mouthed and pouts if he doesn't get his way .
This is getting to me and putting a strain on my family . What do you suggest ?
Crazy in Kansas
Dear Kansas ,
I think your Dad is frightened . He knows he is slipping and finds reassurance in your constant presence . Dementia also can affect his personality . Call and visit him when you can . When you don't have time to run errands, calmly and repeatedly say that you will get to them on the weekend ( or whenever) and follow through . Ignore the rants . I also suggest you go with him to his next doctor's appointment and discuss your concerns . And please contact the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org) for information on resources and assistance because this is likely to get more difficult for you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I have a blended family with his two girls and my three sons . I was so grateful that we both took this challenge .
We had some good times and we had some bad times and when I say bad I mean horrible . Our children are all adults now, and we are still butting heads over them, mostly my boys .
He has given up on two of my sons because he says they don't respect him , not to mention some less than legal activity they decided to embark on in our home while we were on vacation .
But Maxy, I feel as if he has never really cared for them . I try to help them with rides or letting them wash their clothes at our house or whatever I can .
People mature at different levels and maybe I help too much , but they are my kids . At what point am I supposed to turn my back on them ?
My husband says that because I help them against his wishes, it means I love them more than him . That isn't true .
One son is homeless and has to look for a place to stay every night . That breaks my heart . My husband found him downstairs sleeping one morning and told me I better get him out or he would call the police . He won't even allow me to let my son shower here .
I realize the boys need to make it on their own, but am I supposed to turn my back on them when they need help ?
At what point do you give up on your kids and choose your husband instead ? I feel like such a horrible mom .
Worried
Dear Worried ,
Your husband should not be issuing ultimatums wherein you must choose between the man you love and the children you love .
This is unfair and creates tremendous reseentment . Your husband may have good cause to want the kids out the house, but it's difficult to do when they have no place to go . How old are they ?
Do they have jobs? Would you temporarily assist with their rent if you got them out your house ? Are there substance-abuse issues that need treatment ? Try 'Because I Love You' (bily.org), and ask your husband to work with you on this .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I walked in on a conversation that my 9-year-old daughter had with one of her friends . The girls were saying some bad things about one of their classmates because she wore the same clothes just about everyday of the week . I was disappointed and shocked . I did not raise her to judge people by what they wear . I am fortunate enough to have resources to make sure my children are properly clothed . I think I may need to teach my children a lesson about helping the less fortunate . Do you have any suggestions ?
Mom in Shock
Dear Mom in Shock,
By all means go back to your daughter . Ask her to tell you what she and her friend were discussing . Prompt her to be forthcoming about their conversation and gently nudge her toward revealing more about the other student and her circumstances .
Next ask her about her life and the privileges that she receives . Do these things make her "better than" the other girl ? Chances are she will say "yes" because you have been teaching her otherwise . Point out that making fun of someone less fortunate than you, is cruel . Have your daughter consider how she would feel if someone were speaking about her in that way . Do some role playing with her so that the impact of the unkind words become real to her . Make it crystal clear that you do not condone such behavior . Instead of criticizing, let her know you would prefer that she offer the student some clothing or other necessities to help make her life easier .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My daughter received an invitation to attend her high school's junior prom and I as a mother, have a few reservations about this . My daughter has performed poorly in school, and I don't think it would be a good idea for her to go . I told her the bad news and she was disappointed . I explained why she can't attend her junior prom and she accepted the lecture . Do you think I was too hard on my daughter ?
Momma Knows Best
Dear Momma Knows Best ,
I understand wanting to take away privileges when your child is not performing well in school, though I am not sure that this is an effective choice at this moment . One option could have been for you to use the prom as an enticement for her to attempt to perform better . You could have negotiated terms with her for attendance based on behavioral and / or academic improvements .
Additionally, you may want to investigate her poor performance more thoroughly to find out the root of her problems . Meet with her guidance counselor and teachers to figure out why she is not doing well . She may need a tutor or a psychologist . Solving challenges at school is rarely simple . Taking away a desireable activity may seem to be a solution, but it may be touching only the surface of her issues .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
The other day , we invited a couple out to lunch as our guests . However, my wife and I were upset when they ordered appetizers without asking us . We never order appetizers, because we watch our diets and feel the dinner provides plenty of food . Also, since we were paying for it, why should they order something we ourselves didn't order .
We Kept our thoughts to ourselves but would like to know whether this was proper .
Feeling Exploited
Dear Exploited ,
Guests should always take their cues from the hosts . If you did not suggest appertizers, they should not have ordered them on their own . However, as hosts, you cannot insist that your guests share your food preferences in a restaurant . It would have been gracious of you to ask whether they would like to order appetizers .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I'm a 23-year-old woman graduating with my MBA this May . I've paid my way through college and grad school with no assistance . As a graduation present to myself, I'm having a party . I'm financing this party all by myself . Since this is a major accomplishment, I wish my family would ask or offer to help me plan, buy decorations or if there's anything I need .
I feel they don't care. When I speak to my grandmother about the party, her response is "I don't care what you do, just don't make it here !" Not to have family support makes me upset, and I'd think they'd want to do all they can to help me celebrate. Maxy , how do I let my family know my feelings ?
Needs my Family
Dear Needs Family ,
You need to lower your expectations . You may also want to take a different approach . There is a chance that your family feels like you do not need them since you have done it all on your own . If they are not as highly educated as you, that could also be a source of strain on some . Yes, you would hope that they would be proud of your accomplishments ... and they may be . They just may not know how to engage you about it . Instead of looking for enthusiasm, plant some enthusiastic seeds . Ask your mother if she would like to help you decorate . Ask your grandmother if she would like to invite any of her friends . Ask things in bite size nuggets, small enough that they can feel comfortable responding without feeling overwhelmed . Coax them into being a part of your celebration . Some of them may come around . Be sure to keep your good friends close, though , so that you will have emotional support .
Maxy.