Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I was expecting a package for a while and eventually got it delivered , by my sheepish neighbor , who had open it ! What ? I was not here when he dropped it off on my porch , but he left a note saying , "Sorry , I thought it was for me . ---Dave." I was so confused and I couldn't believed he had open my mail . Did he want to know what I was ordering ? Was he so excited to get a package that he didn't look at 'MY' name plastered on it ? I am not one for confrontation , but I am definitely fuming . I want to march right over there , but I do not want to accuse him of anything . Maybe he did make a mistake , but my mail has the right to remain private ! I'm worried about this happening again . Should I just leave a note with a response on the back of his door ? I want to tell him to check his mail , and I will check mine , too .
Mail Bandit
Dear Mail Bandit ,
Take a few deep breaths and calm down before you do anything . Understand that your neighbor could have opened your box, been embarrassed, and kept it  without ever telling  you of his error . Illegal, but it happens all the time .  At least he returned your package and apologized.
Take your neighbor at his word unless it happens again. 
You have to live next to this guy. Bad relations with a neighbor are very hard to live with and always tend to escalate, making you uncomfortable in your own backyard. The next time you see him , thank him for returning the box and for the note. If this is a one time offence, you'll be glad you didn't lose your cool. If it does occur again, then you will have speak to him and tell him to please read the label before he tears a package open next time. In fact, offer up that you both should be more mindful  before opening the mail .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
One of my good friends , Kate , and I finished working on an island for the summer season . As the season ended , we had a talk about how although we love each other , we could never be in a relationship without everything going up in flames . We are great friends to each other and we keep in touch the whole year . This year ended any hopes that each of us had of being together . It feels like we always used to be each other's backups for life partners , but now that safety net has been cut . It's been a few months since this conversation , and I'm wondering if we had made a mistake . On one hand , we get along well and feel a deep connection to each other ; however , we are very similar and fight often . I don't want to string her along , but I always want to be close with Kate .
Is there any way to do that without falling back into the talks of being in a relationship ?
Summer Love
Dear Summer Season Love ,
Ask yourself if you sincerely  want to be in a relationship with Kate . In order  to consider  requesting  more from her , you have to be sincere about giving  this relationship a shot . If you are , contact her  and tell her  that you think  you two made a mistake  by putting boundaries around your bond . Tell her that you wants to see what comes of you two as a couple . Ask her  if she feels the same . The fact that you talked  about this summer  suggests that one of you was already  thinking about it .
Maxy

 Dear Maxy ,
My 35-year-old son "Edgar," has been diagnosed with major depression and is receiving disability . He currently lives in an apartment on my parents property . 
Since Edgar is currently vehicle-less , I've been helping him with grocery shopping , etc . Last week , after a bout of extreme allergy symptoms , his depression escalated and he texted me , saying , "I don't care about anything anymore . My life is worthless ." He claimed he had no food left , but refused to let me bring over groceries . He said he didn't care if he wasted away , although he promised not to kill himself . 
Over the weekend I texted him , but there was no response . By Monday , I was frantic . I reached out to his physician , leaving a message with the assistant , emphatically stating that my son promised he would not harm himself . He just didn't want to eat . I told the assistant that it was crucial that I speak to the doctor before an intervention . Well , this inept nitwit conveyed the wrong information to the doctor , resulting in a call to the police inquiring about a welfare check . And instead of talking to me , the doctor phoned my parents. 
Then Edgar called , ranting that I have totally messed up his life because I told the doctor he was suicidal . I phone the doctor , who apologized profusely for the confusion her assistant had caused and assured me that she would call my son and straighten things out . I waited another day and then sent Edgar a text , wanting to open communication . He replied , "Forget it , the damage is already done. I can't go back to that doctor." He said he was going to move far away where no one could find him . What do I do ?
Drama 
Dear Drama ,
You need to give Edgar some breathing room . Although he may actually be grateful that you care , this much attention to his health might be overwhelming him . Send a calm text , saying you love him , you're sorry you upset him  and that you hope he will get back in touch soon . I know you are worried , but there is only so much you can do  without his cooperation . 
You can contact the  National Alliance on Mental Illness  at 1-800-950-NAMI  (ami.org ).
You mentioned  Edgar has  some rather serious allergies. If he has been treated for depression with drugs and the medication has not worked well, there is a strong possibility his depression is being caused by allergic reactions. 
Food allergies such as sensitivity to wheat and dairy can cause depression. Exposure to molds can cause depression. A nutritionally poor diet with high sugar content can affect the chemistry of the brain and cause depression. In fact new studies have shown that the body's response to all kinds of inflammation can and often does cause depression. All these things change the chemistry of the body and in turn, the chemicals passing through the brain.
 Do a little reading at the websites below. It gives you another avenue to try. I have a strong hunch Edgar's depression , at least in part, has a biological cause.
http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/brain-allergieshow-sensitivities-to-food-and-other-substances-can-effect-the-mind/
http://draxe.com/toxic-mold-causes-depression/
http://kellybroganmd.com/article/two-foods-may-sabotage-brain/
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/35932711/ns/health-allergies_and_asthma/t/tired-depressed-it-may-be-hidden-allergies/#.VnHcwClIjA4
Maxy


Dear Maxy ,
At a dinner celebrating my mother's birthday , one of her friends announced her opinion on the current refugee situation . Our opinions ate polar opposites and my mom's friend , Carol , believes no one should be let into the country . I was the youngest at the table and I did not expect to be brought into a conversation with people 2 to 3 times my age . However , Carol turned to me and asked me if I agree with her . I hate debating and political conversations around the dinner table . I did not want to engage her and was a bit surprised I was being brought into the conversation . I blunted out I that I didn't have an opinion . Carol seemed a bit confused , but i'm not sure what else I could've done to avoid a debate . I am not sure if there's a way to tell someone that I do not agree with them and end the conversation without explanations and rebuttals . Did I take the best route out of confrontation with Carol ? I think we all knew that I had an opinion I did not want to share .
Not a Fighter 
Dear Not a Fighter ,
While I tend to prefer testy conversations to occur after dinner . I do not think you should shy away  from expressing  your opinion about hot-button issues . You can do so in a calm manner . But you will have to explain  why you feel a particular way . You can say , "Carol , I respectfully disagree  with you because ..." It's best if you have concrete information to back up your thoughts .You don't have  to debate  your point , but stating  it simply is the best thing to do, even if it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable . You have to consider the thoughts and feelings of others around you in a social situation and respond. 

Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
I was volunteering at a church sale my church hosts twice a year . It was a slow day and the head of the sale announced to all the volunteers , "Go out and buy something !" I construed this was an invitation to peruse instead of work , so I admired all of the products for the sale and returned to my station . Then the leader looked at me like I was a moron and said , "I told you to buy something . The day is slow !" Eventually , all the volunteers ended up making a purchase and then we was dismissed because it was evident no one else was coming . I feel used . I volunteered my hours and then was coerced into buying something . I did not like this and don't plan on returning to the sale . The purchases were for a good cause , but we were donating our time to the sale . We weren't planning on being forced to spend money . Should I ask the other volunteers if they feel the same way ? I think the head of the sale should be asked to step down .
How Rude 
Dear  How Rude ,
Speak to the head of the church  instead . 
Explain what happened  and  how you feel about it .

Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I work for a company that provides little opportunity for growth and innovation . It frustrates me because I have some ideas that can really help streamline my company's productivity . I am hesitant to share my ideas because upper management has shot down so many ideas from previous employees . I think my ideas will be helpful to the success of the company . Do you think I should share my ideas even if upper management says no ? 
Progress to the People 
Dear Progress to The People,
Don't let others' failures keep you from making your best effort . As you prepare  your productivity pitch to present to upper management, observe what grabs their attention. Notice what topics they seem interested in.  What do they value? What are company policies and guidelines?
As you assess these things, craft a presentation that keeps  upper management interests and concerns in mind and still gets your point across. Make sure you have concrete stats and projections to back up your thinking . And, by all means, make your presentation short and to the point. An over long speech will lose momentum and people's interest.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been attempting to arrange a visit with my sister for a few weeks now . I haven't seen her in a while , and I feel as though my effort is incredibly one-sided . We've been spending less and less time together and I would just like to spend a day or weekend with her ! But whenever I ask what's good for her , she says she'll "tell me when she knows" or that she'll "get back to me ." Is she trying to avoid me ?
We haven't had a fight or disagreement of any sort . I just want to spend some time with my sister and I feel like she's dodging me . She could come visit me too, and the only reason I've been proposing to come to her is because she lives in a bigger city and she wouldn't have to travel .
What can I do to get her to care about seeing me ?
Little Sister is Trying 
Dear Little Sister is Trying ,
Even with family, you cannot convince people to be close if it's not in their makeup. Your efforts are commendable . You may want to go one extra step . Ask your sister  if there  is a reason than she seems to be avoiding  you . It's time to be direct .
Tell your sister  that you have  tried many times to connect  with her, but you feel she always blows you off . Ask her if something has happened or if you have done something to make her distance herself from you.
It may very well be that she is too busy or immersed in work or has some personal problems to work out . This would make anyone distracted and have no desire visit with family.
Perhaps she feels she can't accommodate you comfortably in her home. Give her the benefit of the doubt before you get too frustrated . And ask her if she would come visit you instead.
Tell her you love her and don't want to lose your relationship with her. Family is essential to everyone.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I raised raise my three children with very little help from their birth father . He paid no child support and rarely visited them .
Of course , now that the children are adults , Dad is back in the picture . My children are so hungry for what they feel like what they missed that they've left me behind in the dust . I do understand this on a a primitive level , yet it hurts .
I would like people think about how much care is required to raise a family . That "father" didn't take you to the doctor , the orthodontist or any of the other necessary appointments . He didn't go to your school activities and talk to your teachers . He didn't support you as he should have emotional or financially , even when he had the money . He didn't have to instill discipline , especially when one of the reasons you acted out was because you felt abandoned by your father . Now you think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread . 
The Ones Left Behind 
Dear Left Behind ,
You have a good  grasp of your children's emotional need  for their  biological father, even though he abandoned them as children. It is necessary to anyone's development and growth as a person to know both parents and to understand where they came from. It is a right of passage that they need to get through. And as you say, they are still hungry for what they missed and for his approval.
Knowing this, you must also know that it will settle down and things will achieve a balance once more. They will always love you and appreciate what you have done for them. They are just a little blind-sided at the moment while in the honeymoon phase of their new relationship with Dad. 
With maturity comes wisdom. All you have to do is be patient. Time is on your side. Don't be bitter or make accusations or you will make biological Dad look even better. Be supportive and understanding. Kids, no matter what age, can never have too many people in their lives who love them.
Be the loving mom and dad you have always been and they will come back to you again. And biological Dad will take a not so prominent place in their lives.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I work in a small department within a larger corporation . One of my co-workers is a rather large gentleman who has very bad body odor . I am a larger gal myself and I sweat more than others . I know this , so I bathe daily and use antiperspirant . 
This co-worker comes into my office smelling this way , so he probably doesn't shower every morning . He works with the public and I can't help but wonder what kind of an impression he leaves about our department . I am not the only one who has noticed this , but I am not comfortable enough to talk directly to this person . Should our supervisor say something ? Please help .
Suffocating in Orlando 
Dear Suffocating ,
Some body odors are hard  to control, so it's best  not to make assumptions . It's possible  that this man bathes  daily  and wears deodorant  and it still isn't enough .
He may have an undiagnosed health problem. There are several illnesses that can produce odors.
Since the public, who do business with him, and his co-workers who have to spend five days a week with him are offended by his odor, it becomes a work related matter...not a personal judgment.
Therefore your supervisor should take him aside, in private, and discuss it with him . And hopefully he will suggest a visit to the doctor for a checkup. The supervisor will be helping your co-worker as well as you.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
An old fliration recently resurfaced in my life, and we're enjoying getting reacquainted . There's even a possibility of a long-term relationship . We are both in our 60s, so a late-in-life romance is fun and comforting .
The problem is, I accidentally discovered his interest in videos of pubescent girls , around 11 or 12 years old . He told me to check a travel video on his computer and I was shocked to see his viewing history --- it also included adult fetish-type imagery . The kid videos had creepy comments from viewers about the young girls' feet . When I told him that anyone could stumble upon his viewing history , he was embarrassed but then said , "I don't see anything wrong with it ." Maxy , I'm not too concerned about the adult fetish content, but kids ? 
We were at the beach once and when a little girl in her wet bathing suit walked into our beachside cafe, he was transfixed, staring at her . I asked him a carefully worded question, saying , "Does any part of your brain tell you that is a child ?' He thought for a second and then said, "No." He also ogles teenage girls , especially if they are wearing "sexy" shoes .
This is troubling me . Also, our sex life is peculiar . We make out furiously , but have never been able to consumate our relationship due to his erectile dysfunction . I have to wonder if he is capable of relating to an age-appropriate woman . He is divorced with two grown children and an 8-year-old granddaughter .
Sad and Worried 
Dear Sad ,
Please, seriously  reconsider this relationship . Your creepy boyfriend sounds like a pedophile with a foot fetish . If his sexual orientation is underage girls with sexy shoes, your bedroom relationship  is doomed . The reason for his erectile dysfunction is that you are not an underage girl with sexy shoes. 
He is not about to change his sexual predilections at his age. What he is doing on line, going to pedophile websites, may be against the law. And downloading pedophile material is pretty much illegal everywhere.
So you have a decision to make; either you want to buy into his lifestyle so you can enjoy his company, or you want to find a guy with a healthy sexual appetite for a mature woman. There are lots out there. Don't be swayed by your nostalgic sentiment of a past flirtation with him. Face the facts.
Be concerned about his eight year old granddaughter's safety. Her parents should be informed that Grandpa has some  inappropriate ideas about  young girls. If he acted on his impulses, you would have to live with that. The family will not appreciate your disclosure and they may deny it but you can be sure they will keep a closer eye on Grandpa.
Choose wisely
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a 17-year-old female . I have been battling with depression since I was young . I have had traumatic events in my life . Both of my parents died before I was 13 . My mother was abusive and my father had to be both mother and father to me . I also have a younger brother . I currently live in a foster care . 
I have recently wanted to learn more about my past . I've been told I should move on and not dwell on what I can't change . But I have a lot of questions and some guilt about how I handled things when I was younger . Am I doing the right thing by pursuing this or am I just hurting myself ? 
Battling with Wanting to Know More 
Dear  Battling , 
I think  you deserve  to know the truth . But  knowing  about your past  involves the bad as well as the good . It may be more hurtful to you than helpful, at this time. It is very common for kids, who were adopted or fostered out, to feel rejected and abandoned by their parents, whether they are living or dead. These feelings are often accompanied by a damaged sense of self esteem and guilt.  You are having a typical reaction to your situation.
First of all, a thirteen year old girl is not guilty of anything. You were an innocent child. Your behavior was a direct response to your mother's abuse. You were not responsible for the way she acted. No one has the right to hurt a child. She, obviously, had her own issues and there was no way you, a little girl, could fix her.
 Before you delve further into this you should definitely speak to a counselor who specializes in helping teens to cope. Go to your case worker or school counselor to get advice or a referral.
When you are  feeling more positive about yourself, it would be helpful to see if you can establish a relationship with your brother. It would be good for both of you to have a bond to family. As for examining your past, wait a couple of years until you have let go of your emotional burden and  healed and can handle the negativity it might produce.
Take care of yourself and write to me anytime,
Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
I needed a ride to the airport and did not want to pay $60 cab fee . So I went on social media and asked those in my area if anyone was willing to drive me for less . I got an anonymous response and I asked the sender for his Facebook account to see if I was being scammed . This person looked reliable , and I ended getting a safe and enjoyable ride to the airport for $5 . Upon hearing about this , my friends were amazed that I could be so "stupid" and "irresponible" and get a ride from a stranger . I feel like I did my research and was prepared to walk away if I got to the arranged meeting spot and my driver wasn't who he promised to be .
I was thinking adventurously. It's the key to life , and my friends should be more open to different experiences . When asked to explain myself , I said I did not want to pay the high cab rate and wanted to see if the Internet would help me out . I think my friends are being boring and sheltered , and definitely plan on doing this again . Should I not tell them before I go ? I told them before I went previously , just in case , but I want to avoid their judgement .
Bargain on the Road 
Dear Bargain on The Road ,
Sorry , but I emphatically agree your  friends . I think you were lucky you got away with it, this time. Any ride that costs five dollars is not on the up and up. Your friendly driver was looking for something else. What you did was tantamount to hitch hiking. Approximately 2700 women a year, in the USA, are assaulted, murdered and dumped by the side of the road, or simply disappear, as a result of hitch hiking. In other words...getting into a car with a stranger.
 I understand the desire for adventure, but find a safer outlet . If you insist on doing this again, tell friends, family or co-workers and let them know where you are going.
Call and give them the licence plate number, make, and color  of the car as soon as you see it. At least they will have a starting point from which to begin their search if you don't arrive. Here is my last word of advice....DON'T.
 Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I was at a party when I looked over and saw a celebrity rubbing shoulders with me ! This was my first time being near a celebrity in a casual setting and I had no idea what to do . I totally froze and embarrassed myself . I recently relocated to this area and never thought I'd be in the same room as Hollywood stars . I couldn't even introduce myself , even though this person was basically right next to me . I totally made a fumble . How do I present myself properly to celebrities or high-profile people without freezing and making a fool of my self ? I've never even gotten my photo taken, let alone been globally known !Stargazing
Dear Stargazing,
You are shy. Most of us are, in the presence of famous people. Remember they are humans too. They put their pants on, one leg at a time, they bleed, they eat, burp and they go to the bathroom. Picturing that may help you to reduce them from super beings back to just people. They want to be treated like regular folks because under all the hype and publicity...that's all they are. 
Just simply saying hello and introducing yourself works best or mentioning the reason for the event. But if you need more, commit to memory a few handy, pleasant  greetings, ice-breakers and amusing comments and keep them in the back of your mind to fall back on when you get tongue-tied.
Enjoy life,
Maxy 

Ask Maxy

 Dear Maxy ,
I have been married to "Bruno" for 40 years . During this time , I have found his various porn magazines hidden in multiple places . My reaction has always been to throw them away and not mention it . 
A few months ago , I again found his stash , but this time I left them where he had them hidden . I have discovered he takes the magazines out to look at the women every time I leave the house . Every single time I feel like he is cheating on me . It's very distrubing .
Bruno is otherwise a great guy , but that doesn't make his actions acceptable to me . Evidently , he is never going to stop this behavior and I don't think I can live with it . Now what ? 
Not Good Enough 
Dear Enough ,
For 40 years  , you've put  up with this . Now that you know Bruno is looking at these pictures  more frequently  than you subjected  , you  are  ready to call  it a day . What did  you think he was doing  with those magazines  ? 
Reading the articles ?
Please  understand  that , distasteful  as it is , Bruno porn  fascination  has  nothing to do with you . And frankly  , there is  so much  Internet porn  these  days , including  live  video , that checking  out  girlie magazines  seems  fairly  benign .  I'm not  condoning  Bruno's porn habit , but it  doesn't  seem to be the type serious  addiction  that makes some men  spend enormous  amounts  of time  and money looking  for increasingly  active methods  of stimulation .
Please  ask yourself  whether  Bruno been a  good husband . Does he pay  attention to you ? Does  he support  you financially ? Is he a  good  companion ? The magazine  porn is only  one part  of  your  life  and  it  doesn't  have to be  the most important part . Please talk to Bruno  about  this . Tell him how much  it bothers you . Ask whether  he would  make a sincere effort  to stop .  Try S-Anon  (san.org ) for spouses  of porn addicts . Get counseling  you need it . I don't  think this  is worth throwing  away  40 years of  an otherwise  good marriage .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I could have wrote the same letter as "Hopeless and Confused," who said she's been married for 24 years who doesn't show any affection and responds to her requests for deep , meaningful talks with text messages .
Tell her to run , don't walk to a counselor knowledge in diagnosing Asperger's syndrome .
Our counselor helped me move past my 30 years of pain and resentment , helped my husband to understand the ramifications and frustrations of his condition , and best of all , taught us how to lower expectations and move forward in our marriage . We are joyfully celebrating anniversary 37 years in December !
RA in Fla.
Dear RA ,
I remember  the  letter  you speak of  very well . Thank you for suggesting  this possibility  . Asperger's syndrome  is an  autism spectrum disorder , and  common symptoms  include  difficulty  with social skills  and communication . You could  be right  about this man , and "Hopeless should look into it  . More information  is available  through  ( aspergersyndrone. org )     (Autismspeaks.org )  and  ( autism-society.org ) 
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am very proud of my nails . I take good care of them , and they have grown to be long and strong . I also make sure to cut and file them if they are getting too long and crossing over into unkempt territory . I enjoy getting complimented on my nails , but some people have decided it's their duty to try and rip off my nails as though they are fake . It seems like a backhanded compliment to me , but I do not like hearing , "they're so long , they can't be real !" As someone tries to bend my nails . I have awkwardly laughed this comment off and withdrawn my hand , but I find it incredibly strange . Both men and women have done this , and I try to explain that these are my real nails and I take good care of them , but the comments don't stop . Should I peg this as jealousy or assume this is a hint to make my nails shorter ?
Not Nailing It
Dear Not Nailing It ,
Whether  you have  artificial  nails  or  natural  nails , it is  incredibly  rude  for someone  to try  to pull  your  nail off . Given how  much you tend  to your  nails  , I'm wondering  if  you ever brag  about the  health  of  your  nails . Whether  you do so  consciously  or  not , if you do  , you may  want  to  tone that down . Drawing attention  to your  beautiful nails  may be  backfiring  on you right  now . 
That said , the people who are grabbing  at you  do not need an explanation . If someone  reaches  out to  pull your nails  , immediately  and sharply ask not  to touch them .
Maxy 

 Dear Maxy ,
It's the time of the year when people come in sick to work . I take many measures to not get sick , but some ill co-workers do not seem to get the hint . I keep hand sanitizer at my desk , along with disinfecting wipes and vitamins . I eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible , drink water and make sure I sleep enough each night . There are some sick people who do not seem to understand that my disinfectants and vitamins are meant for them to stay away , not invite them to my desk to use them ! People come by for hand sanitizer or to get a wipe to clean their keyboards , but they have the germs I am trying to keep away !
I don't want to seem rude and deny anyone , but I do not want to get sick . How do I keep the sicklings away from my desk ?
No days Off 
Dear No Days  Off ,
Speak  to  your  human resources  department  and suggest  that they  provide  some of the cleaning  products  that you currently  have on your desk  for the whole  company .
Argue  that you are attempting  to keep yourself well  as sick people  continue  to come  to work , but you  do not want  to be  the supplier  of  cleaning  supplies  to the office . 
You may also  want  to pit  your  cleaning  items  under  lock and  key  . When people  come to borrow  that proverbial  cup of  sugar  --- in this case  , hand sanitizer --- suggest that they get their  own .
Maxy 

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My boyfriend's daughter has been acting out recently . After my boyfriend spoke to her, she admitted she feels alone because she does not have a mother . Her mother has been removed from the family for many years and my boyfriend's daughter is legally protected from her . Now that I am her father's partner, I would like to bond with her and help her have an older female figure in her life . I do not want to overstep my boundaries , but I want her to know that the girly experience that she cannot have with her mother , she can have with me . how do I broach this topic ? I do not want to seem insensitive or over eager , but I want her to know she can rely on me .
Treading Lightly

Dear Treading Lightly ,
First , evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend . Do you feel this going to be a long-lasting union ? If not, you probably don't want to form too close a bond with his daughter, only to end it some time soon and hurt her .
 Next , get your boyfriend 's blessing to strike up a closer relationship with his daughter . You definitely want and also need his agreement that this is a good idea . If all is a go, start slowly and gently to initiate experiences that you can share with this young lady . The range of activities you can consider is broad .
Ask her what she would like to do . "Girly" activities range from going to the nail salon to going shopping. Depending on her age, she might like to create arts and crafts with you or participate in sports . How about watching chick flicks together with a bowl of popcorn, or even just sitting around talking ?  Find out what interests her, with the object of  getting to know her better and forging a bond . Also let her know you would like to be a friend and you will be there for her if ever she needs one.
Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
I belong to a strict yacht and country club where there are many rules . Although the rules are not clearly stated , they are meant to be universally known .
One of the most awkward rules to explain to my guests is that there is a no-texting rule when one is at the club. I need to maintain a good reputation but with my teenage children and their guests, I am not always heard . I do not want to have to reprimand others' children , but I feel so embarrassed when I look over to see teenagers eating and staring at their laps . What should I do ?
Club Rules 

Dear  Club Rules ,
When in Rome, right ? Prep your guests well in advance of arriving at the club . Inform them about proper attire and behavior, as required by club rules.
As  far as the cellphones go, if one of the teen guests breaks the ban on texting, after being told the regulations, ask them if you may hold their cell for them for the duration of their visit . This will force them to interact with each other and allow you to follow the protocol of the club . I am sure you would only have to do that once to get the message across.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Why do some people insist on arriving late for family dinners ? My husband and I are great-grandparents with the only home large enough to set up and cook and I set the time that seems most convenient for our family members .
When there is a football game in the evening, I set the time for noon . When there is early morning rain, I set time for late afternoon . When asked if we can set a specific hour, I always agree . On Memorial Day I told everyone to be here at 1 p.m. Ten people were here waiting , and the last two came in 45 minutes later. 
We didn't sit down to eat until after 2 . This is awkward for everone, but especially the young children, who are hungry, seniors who haven't eaten since early morning, and one family member who is diabetic and needs to time her insulin .
Why is it no longer polite to be punctual ?
Late Arrival

Dear Late ,
It  is still polite to be punctual, but some folks are simply inconsiderate . If there is only one couple that does this regularly, feel free to tell them that the festivities start an hour earlier than you tell everyone else . Otherwise, here's how to treat chronically late family members : Set the time and when that time arrives, sit down and start eating . Those who show up late can be told to find leftovers in the  kitchen or join you for dessert . They will either accommodate themselves or make a greater effort to show up on time  at the next family event . Either way, the rest of you should not be held hostage to their bad manners .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My wife and I are lucky to live near the friendliest, most helpful neighbors we could ask for . They are a middle-aged European couple who moved to the states two years ago .
Here's the problem . They have a swimming pool in their backyard, and when they use it , they do not wear swimsuits . I assume they are just doing what's normal in their native country .
When I am outside, I simply try to look the other way and ignore them . However  when they see me or my wife , they almost always call out to say hello and to start a conversation. My wife is not bothered by it , and will go over and talk to them .
However, I'm not so comfortable . Generally, I wave and go back into the house until they are out of the pool.
My wife says I am overreacting , but I don't think I should feel uncomfortable in my own back yard . 
My wife does not want to put up a fence, as she thinks it would be unsightly and unwelcoming . Can you help ?
Neighbors of Lord and Lady Godiva
Dear Neighbors ,
You cannot stop the folks next door  from sunbathing nude unless their are restrictions in your town . Some European countries are indeed more liberal about nudity. However, you should definitely not have to feel reluctant  to use your own yard when the neighbors are out .
The solution, truly, is a fence ( there are some very attractive designs out there these days) or perhaps some type of shrubbery that would allow each of you to have more privacy . There is nothing unwelcoming or unsightly about nice trees, bushes and plants. Your neighbors will get the benefit of them too. 
I think your wife will understand your discomfort if your upbringing was more conservative. Apparently, she has adapted very well; perhaps she even envies your neighbors' freedom.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
What is the right age to let girls wear makeup ? I have a daughter in the 5th grade . most of the girls are 10 and 11 years old . They are just beginning to take an interest in beauty . One of the girls has come to school a few times wearing lipstick . It was bright red . I thought it was inappropriate . Obviously , she is not my child , but I am concerned about my daughter getting the wrong impression of what is right . I don't want to speak poorly of this girl . but I want my daughter to be clear on what I think is appropriate . I currently allow her to wear colorless lip gloss and that's it .
Setting the Standards ---Jackson Mississippi 
Dear Setting the Standards,
Playing with make-up on your mom's dressing table is a rite-of-passage many of us will remember, but the regular wearing of make-up certainly has become a more controversial debate.
Many girls are starting to wear make-up from the age of 11 - three years younger than it was a decade ago. Peer pressure from friends, older siblings and wanting to feel grown up are being blamed as the main cause. They are also influenced by what they see on TV and the internet.
Unsurprisingly, most women don't approve of the shift in pre-teen girls and their beauty habits. Women are mostly concerned that these pre-teen girls might develop an unhealthy obsession with their appearance. This is a reasonable viewpoint.
The general guideline ( after asking a few dozen moms of teens) seems to be lip gloss between 11 and 12, eye make-up, somewhere between 13 and 14 and foundation between 14 and fifteen as long as they are not having problems with blemished skin. 
You and I know that make-up is a part of every woman's life . And so they should be taught how to use cosmetics properly and how to keep them light and natural looking.
Set some guidelines with your daughter...such as:
You may wear light pink lipstick at 12....mascara at 13 etc. So that she has a clear picture of what you expect.  What you don't want is for her to feel left behind by her friends. She wants the same privileges as her peer group.
Pick your battles; this isn't such a big one. Look ahead a couple of years.  Soon you will be dealing with when she can wear high heels and when she can start dating. Better to take a firm stance on boys, drugs, alcohol and getting her homework done."
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
Tooth decay runs in my family . Nearly everyone who got to be 40 has ended up with dentures . I am the first one to retain most of my teeth . I have had a bunch of dental procedures , but so far , no dentures . I mention this because I have two children who have inherited poor dental habits even though I have been vigilant about my own teeth . I don't know what to do to get them to understand the repercussions if they do not start practicing better hygiene .
Clean mouth 
Dear  Clean Mouth ,
For a start you could look up some scary images on the internet of people with decayed and or missing teeth due to poor dental hygiene. That kind  of  "scared straight" approach can awaken them to the  potential  downside of  bad habits .
 Also, get your dentist to warn them as to what can happen to their teeth and gums as the years progress, and give them some helpful advice.
Possibly one of your relatives might even co-operate by telling the children how they regret not taking better care of their teeth.
If all else fails, you may have to take away privileges until brushing and flossing becomes a regular routine. Good luck.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband died 11 years ago . Our son "Marcus" was 6 at the time . His dad was in intensive care for two months , and because of his young age , our son was not allowed to see his father .
Before he died , my husband asked his younger brother to keep his drum set until Marcus turned 18 . Marcus uncles used to call him on his birthday , which also was his father's birthday . But since my husband died , neither has called to wish there nephew has called to wish their nephew a happy birthday . 
Marcus will be 18 soon . He is into music and wants the drums . I have asked his uncle on several occasions by sending a message on Facebook . I also asked my son's half-brother (from my husband's first marriage) to get the drums and Marcus could pick them up from his house . Nothing has happen . I recently noticed a picture on Facebook of a guy who used to play in a band with my late husband . In the photo , he is playing drums that look suspiciously like the ones that belong to my son .
Marcus has nothing of his father's . he as no included in an decisions on what to sell and what to keep , or even asked what he'd like to have . He was also given his dad's El Camino . but my husband put the title in the name of Marcus half-brother , who sold it . He didn't even give my son any of the money from the sale . Tat was bad enough , but Marcus only really cares about the drums .
The entire family know that my late husband wanted Marcus to have the drums . What should I do ? File a lawsuit ? How do I honor my later husband's wishes and give my son this final gift from his dad? 
Distraught Mom of a Musician 
 Dear Mom of a Musician, 
Is  anything  in writing ? If not, you might need  to file  a lawsuit , but  in order  to prove  your  case , you probably  will need other  credible  witnesses  to testify that your husband's wish  was  for  Marcus  to have  the  drum set . An attorney  will let  you know  if  you have  a case .
But  a lawsuit  should  be the last  resort . Asking personal
questions  on Facebook is making your family business open to the public and I am not surprised you got no response . Pick up the  phone . Call the  uncle who supposedly has the drum set . Be nice. Tell him  what a wonderful 18th birthday  present  it  would be for  Marcus  to finally have  this  memento  from his  father . Ask if it would be convenient if you picked it  up,  and  what you can do to facilitate  the transfer .
Marcus  could also call his  uncle . Family relationships  work  both ways  and  Marcus  is  old  enough  now  to establish  his  own contact with his uncle.  If he told him in person, how much it would mean to him, you might get a more positive response.
Marcus should have established a relationship with his uncle long before now. He is nearly eighteen, almost a man. He may be the one to best handle the situation.
But for certain, If you hound this uncle you will only make the situation worse and make him dig his heels in. 
Maxy

 Dear Maxy ,
Last week , our son came home from school and told us that a boy at his school had killed himself . he boy had been a friend of his since fifth grade . 
The school had a moment of silence over the public address system , but never mentioned the boy's name . Most of the details about the suicide are nonexistent , although there are few things mentioned on a website asking for help paying for funeral costs . Students who didn't know the suicide victim are guessing it was caused by bullying . Our son says that's not true . Some students are even saying the fund requests are a scam .
We haven't heard anything about whether the school is offering grief counseling . We've talked to our son about the tragedy and are trying our best to help him . Because the students have n information , they are making wild guesses and placing misinformed posts on social media . My question is why is this tragedy so secret . Should the school do more ?

Sad Mom
Dear Sad Mom,
Sometimes , the  school is  ill-equipped  to deal  with such  tragedies and  does  nothing , which  tends  to create a whirlwind  of  misinformation . Also, the  administration  may fear
that  mentioning the details  would further negatively affect the kids or even encourage copycat suicides . But  the  details  do not  need  airing . The  acknowledgement  of mourning , however  is  important .
The  American  Foundation  for  Suicide  Prevention  (asfp.org )  offers a  Toolkit  for  Schools , and  you should  mention  this  to the  administration . The  foundation  is  also  an  excellent  resource  for  anyone  dealing  with a suicide   and  you will find  information  there  that  will help  you talk  to  your  son about  his  friend . There most definitely should be a grief counselor at the school to help the children deal with the loss. It might be helpful to talk with some of the other parents to see what you can do as a group to arrange something.

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I've been on antidepressant and bipolar medication for 12 years . The problem is, I feel I am being over medicated . I want to sleep all day . I am also legally deaf . I live with my parents because I am unable to drive . My depression and resulting destructive spiral caused my grades to go south in college which has interfered with my ability to find a good job in my field and not all employers are willing to make accommodations for hearing disability .
My parents does not treat me particularly well . The medication helped a lot , but being on the meds for so long has cause other problems , including issues with my short-term memory . I am tired of taking medications that I feel is hindering more than helping , I saw a counselor for a while some years ago , and that did me more good than medication could . My family refuses to listen to me when I tell them the new medications are causing excessive drowsiness . I have been told by them to simply suck it up . My family won't let me stop taking the medications .
I would like to find a job so I can earn enough money to go back to college , but I have no idea where to start . My only job experience is some community service I did as part of my high school graduation requirements .
Fed UP
Dear Fed Up ,
First phone or make an appointment to see the doctor who prescribed your current medication and explain the drowsiness . It is likely you can have it adjusted . Also you could use some emotional . Please contact the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance at dbsalliance.org . Then check your state , city and county government offices for jobs for the disabled , along with the U.S. Dept. of Labor doleta.gov and serovicelocatr.org at 1-877-US2-JOBS .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband is a chain smoker and has very poor dental hygiene and has lost most of his teeth He has never been an affectionate person , but when he does decide to kiss me , I am repulsed by his cigarette breath and the fact that he hasn't brushed his teeth . Therefore I try to avoid being near him .
My question to you is : should I nicely tell him he needs to see a dentist ?
---V
Dear V ,
Yes , dear . Otherwise , you will be stuck with this situation for the rest of your married life and over time , it will put a terrible and unnecessary strain on your relational .
Tell him that his breath could use some assistance . Make him understand that not brushing his teeth puts him at risk for heart disease . I suspect he harbors a fear of dentists , so assure him that current dental techniques take that into consideration , and there are varies ways to alleviate discomfort . Ask him to come with you to find a good dentist he is comfortable with . Also but him some breath freshener that he can gargle with .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been dating a guy for about four months now . He is very sweet to me . I like his personality a lot . I work in an office as an office manager , he works construction . I think that's great , except he doesn't always need to shower and change at the end of the day . So if he asks me out on a date , even if he has time to come home and , shower and change , he often does not . I don't want to sound like a snob , but I really don't want to go to a nice restaurant or even to the movies and snuggles up next to someone that smells like dust and sweat .
Clean Up
Dear Clean Up ,
I bet your guy has been single for a long time . One of the most common "side affects" of a loving relationship is some good TLC. Chances are , he hasn't put two and two together at all . He is so eager to see you , getting to you is at the top of his mind . Bathing is not even n the radar . Definitely tell him , but in a nice way . When you are planning for your next date , ask him what he's going to wear . Encourage him by suggesting that he shower and wear whatever cologne you like that he wears s, or you could name a specific shirt and tie that you have loved him wearing in the past . Make it a sensuous experience . That should encourage him to clean up .
 Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am the middle sister of three . My mother has always favored my younger sister , "Louise" despite periods of seriously bad behavior . Mom has bailed Louise out of numerous poor financial decisions . She also takes her and her son on cruises and buys them expensive presents .
I recently found our Mom is giving Louise a monthly allowance . This is creating some resentment . I feel I'm being punished for working hard and making better choices . Mom says she will make it up to me when she passes , but I doubt there will be much left at the rate Louise is bilking her .
I make an effort to include my mother in everything with my family , but Louise only spends time with Mom when she being treated to a shopping spree . My older sister is in desperate need of assistance , and I want to ask my Mom to match what she gives to Louise . Am I being fair or greedy ? I am hurt and confused about what to do ?
Distressed daughter .
Dear Distressed Daughter ,
This has nothing to do with fairness . Your mother is playing favorites and your resentment is perfectly understandable .
Nonetheless , it's Mom's money . She is not obligated to give any of her adult children an allowance and if she wants to give everything to Louise , that is her choice . If it alienates her from her older daughter , that is the sad consequence.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have become friendly with a woman in my building who really has a good heart , but she is rough around the edges . She is so incredibly loud when she talks that I can hear her way before she gets to my door . She just talks at a super-high level . I feel like I almost need earplugs to be around her . I am not sure what I can do about it . I can tell she doesn't realize she is so loud . She didn't grow up with a family full of kids or anything . Who knows what's up with her , but I can't take it . I have never said anything before about her tone of voice , but I'm afraid that if I don't say anything , I will just have to avoid her .
My Head Hurts
Dear My Head Hurts ,
It is not rude for you to tell your friend that she is talking to loud . Consider it self-preservation . Be direct with her . Ask her to lower her voice . Explain that you have noticed that especially when she gets excited about something she raises her voice and sometimes it's just too loud . Ask her for permission for you to give her a signal to lower her voice . For example , you can literally use your hand to show her that you would like her to bring the volume down .
If she agrees , know that it will take a while for her to be able to honor your request . If she has been talking loudly for years , that is her natural volume . You may also suggest that she have a hearing test . Sometimes people speak loudly when they have compromised hearing .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I just got a big check for a job I did a few months back and I was so excited to get some money that I went out and spent it all . I feel like such an idiot . But I had gone so long being broke that I wanted to treat myself . The treats just seem to grow and grow and get out of hand .
Now I am back at square one with all kinds of bills to pay and no money to pay it . I do have a couple of checks that I'm waiting for , but I realize that I have created a terrible pattern . I have done this before , I'm not proud of myself , but I know what I do .
How can I stop this cycle of binge spending and then being broke ?
Throwing in the Towel
Dear Throwing in the Towel ,
You need help , immediately . Many people with financial challenges such as yours get help for free from Debtors Anonymous , ( debtorsanonymous.org ) Through this program , you can learn what your triggers are and discover ways to resist the temptation to fall into your own traps . You have proven to yourself that you cannot handle your finances on your own . Remember that and get the support you need . Essentially , you are dealing with a type of addiction . Because it has to do with something you need in your life , it is something you cannot walk away from . Instead , you must learn to manage your behavior . It would be wise for you to get a compassionate financial advisor who can help you negotiate with creditors , develop strategies to pay down your debt and otherwise help you get set on a path to making healthier choices about how you live and spend . You can get free advice from the IRS , your local unemployment office and your local community center .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
Since my husband discovered that his parents are first cousins, he's been having an emotional crisis . I was the one that uncovered the secret when I was doing research for a genealogy study to be presented as a gift .
I have given my in-laws many opportunities to absolve themselves of their deception , but I must have been too subtle to make myself clear . I don't expect an answer from you because I've tried to contact numerous others concerning this subject, and it appears to be taboo .
Need Help
Dear Need Help ,
Your in-laws may have done nothing that requires "absolving." Marriage beween first cousins is legal in 20 states and is permitted in 6 others depending on the circumstances . In biblical times, marriage between first cousins was commonplace.
Instead of sweeping this under the rug and watching your husband freak out, please talk to your in-laws directly . Say you found this information while researching the family tree . Let them discuss it frankly so their son can learn to accept what's already happened and put it behind him . There's no reason for this to become a major crisis . If you are planning to have children, you might consider genetic counseling now that you have a complete family history .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My adult son has a large dark, textured birthmark on his right cheek . We believe it has caused him to lose out on job opportunities . He has been trying without success to get a job for four years . He is a hard worker, punctual and trustworthy .
He has pounded the pavement looking for work and gone online and applied for more than 200 jobs .
A friend of my son's said privately that he would hire him but looking at "that thing" on his face makes him sick . My question to you is ; Are there plastic surgeons out there who would help my son by removing this birthmark at a very low cost ? He has no income and we are not in a position right now to help him financially .
Grateful Mom
Dear Grateful Mom,
Your son may qualify for medicaid, in which case a plastic surgeon may be able to remove the skin growth at no cost if it's potentially malignant.
Check at medicaid.gov to see whether your son is covered in his state . He also should check his local hospitals and medical schools . Some surgeons and hospitals have been know to generously donate their skills and facilities for low-income patients.
In the meantime , I suggest he visit his local pharmacy or department store and ask about cosmetics that will cover the birthmark . Or he could try two products we have recommended in the past ; Dermablend (dermablend.com) and Covermark (covermark.com) .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
What do you do when you're in a relationship but you want to start dating again? I met this man on Facedbook , and I would like to take him out for his birthday.
He is handsome and he is someone whom I can see myself having a relationship .
We started to coorrespond via email for a few weeks until we exchange phone numbers . Talking on the phone is just easier . My male friend liked the idea of going out for his birthday .
During one of out numerous conversations . I told my male friend I was married and that my husband and I have been separated for 15 years . To my surprise , he was taken aback by the statement . He told me he didn't want a woman who is married . I really like this guy and I want to see what develops from our friendship . What is a woman to do ?
Till Death Do Us Part
Dear Till Death Do Us Part,
I think it is a good thing that a man does not want to date a woman who is married . That you are separated is different from married and you admit that you are not planning to get divorced anytime soon .
Why is that ? Are you benefiting in some way from being married to your husband even though you have not been together for years ?
You are living in that space of having your cake and eating it too . You are lonely and want companionship , but you are not legally available to receive it . You may want to thank this suiter for making your dilemma so obvious . Do yourself a favor . Take care of first things first . Clear the way to have a healthy new relationshil .
Maxy