Have you ever seen an Italian nativity scene?
It has Jesus, Mary, and three wise guys.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed pig, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss
HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!
An Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have a deep abiding faith in me, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
God said, "Your request is materialistic and very selfish. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?
They don't like any witnesses.
You Know You're Italian When:
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing."
I'm sorry G. As your son knows, I show no mercy....HA! BE AFRAID!
