Ask Maxy

The PICS would like to express our gratitude to Nana for being our guest and gracing our column with her touches of wisdom. She truly added another dimension to Ask Maxy and she has set the bar for us. We shall try to live up to it in the future. Thanks Nana.

Dear Maxy,
I am a 21-year old female, quite independent, happy and full of life. Last year I started dating "Luke," age 26.
We hit it off great, and I fell in love. But two months ago, something changed.
Luke recently started a new company. One day, he decided he needed a break from our relationship to focus on his business. He made me promise to stay faithful. After three weeks, we started arguing.
I found it stupid that I was supposed to remain faithful while he was out partying every weekend, going to bars and clubs. He kept texting my sister, saying he didn’t want to be with me. When I’d confront him, he’d say he was only kidding. I tried hard to work this out.
Two weeks ago, we planned to hang out, but Luke didn’t answer my calls. I finally had enough and sent him a text ending things completely.
Maxy, the entire two months we were apart, I was a wreck.
I still can’t stop thinking about him. I know I did the right thing by breaking it off. But sometimes, I am filled with regret, as if I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend. How can I be happy again without faking it? —

Lost in My Heart
Dear Lost in Mt Heart ,
This has nothing to do with your value as a girlfriend. Luke was simply not the right guy. He didn’t have the courage to break things off in an honest way and made himself repeatedly unavailable, hoping you’d take the initiative and let him go. It is natural for you to grieve the end of a relationship that you expected to last. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, pamper yourself, and "fake it until you make it." Time will heal this. I promise.
Maxy
Nana says
Luke was a coward, he was spiteful and sneaky. He made your life miserable so you would break off with him and he wouldn't have to do the decent thing or suffer your tears. Don't waste precious time grieving over someone like that. The best cure is to go out and have some fun with your friends even if you think you don't feel like it. The world is full of decent, honorable men and there is one out there waiting for you. Try to use a little better judgement next time you pick one.

Dear Maxy ,
My fourthgrader is learning a lot about the history of our country, and this month the curriculum has been focused on segregation and the Jim Crow South.
As he brings home the stories they are learning, I am happy to know that the school is taking this part of his education seriously. But I also have been upset by some of the stories of racial discrimination in our nation. It’s not that I didn’t know about this stuff, but I hate that my child has to be exposed to some of these awful parts of our past at such a young age. How can I talk about this topic without getting upset? —
Unsettled Mom
Dear Unsettled Mom,
I do not think you should try to cover up your emotional reaction to the material your son is learning. Part of our history is painful, especially as it relates to discrimination.

Do not diminish the horror of the stories that your son is bringing home. Instead, let him recount to you what he has learned. If you are not fully up to speed on the stories, do research with him to learn more. Ask your son to share his feelings about the information he is learning in class. Tell him how it makes you feel. Be as honest as you can. If you have personal stories that reflect discrimination, share one or two that will give your son insight into what you or your family have endured.
Bottom line: This discussion is a great thing. To know our history is to be empowered.
Be sure your son understands that.

Maxy
Nana says
Maxy is absolutely right. This is a necessary lesson for your son to learn. Slavery and racism are  woven into the tapestry of America. Let him see it upsets you. What he learns at your knee now are the fundamental beliefs that will follow him all of his life and he will pass them on to his children. That is how we keep moving forward to a better future.

Dear Maxy,
Two weeks ago, my sister became really sick and rushed to the hosiptal . Another sister and I went to visit her . The doctor told us that she had not spoken in five days and her organs were beginning to fail . The doctor told us it is only a matter of time before she passes away .
I almost fainted when I heard the news , but I'm still recovering from our mother's sudden passing . I'm hurt because my sister and I have not had the best relationship over the years and I wish it were better . In the meantime, how can I make peace with my sister before she dies ?
Brokenhearted
Dear Brokenhearted,
As long as your sister is alive, you can talk to her with the intention of healing your wounds . Spend as much time as you can by her side . tell her that you love her and you are so sad she has become ill .
Apologize for anything you may have said or done over the years that could have been hurtful . Let her know that you forgive her for anything she may have said or done .
This does not mean that you will miraculously be freed of old wounds or memories, but you have the opportunity, while she is still alive, choose to release things from your past . Even if your sister does not respond, continue to talk to her . Tell her stories of joyful experiences in your life .
Maxy
Nana says
I have to disagree with Maxy a little. If your sister is dying, don't waste time rehashing old arguments or placing blame or asking for forgiveness. That is just to ease your own guilt. This is not all about you. Dying is the most traumatic event in a lifetime and should be made as gentle and as easy a transition as you can possibly make it for her and I know that is asking a lot of you. Talk to her, by all means, hold her hand, stroke her forehead and kiss her. Human touch is soothing and reassuring. Talk about wonderful things: times you shared as kids that were happy or funny. Give her happy thoughts and create pictures in her mind that will bring pleasure to her. And above all, tell her over and over that you have always loved her and you always will. If you do all that for her, closure will come to you.

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been in love with Cliff for four years. Two years ago we got a house together. When he lost his job he became angry, indifferent and didn't seem to care about me any more.
I tried to tough it out, believing it would get better, but when Cliff became verbally abusive, I took my two kids and left . I asked him if he wanted me to stay and he said no he didn't think things would improve .
We kept trying to fix the relationship or at least I did . But Cliff was dating other women and lied to me about it and the whole thing has become a hurtful mess .
I still love Cliff, but don't know whether I can trust him anymore. My guilt over leaving him and his son to to deal with the foreclosure on the house we bought together kills me .
He won't express any anger, even though I can see his resentment . He also won't address the lies . Is this a lost cause .
Am I hoping for too much ?
Love Struck
Dear Love Struck ,
You could make excuses for Cliff's terrible behavior by believing his job loss depressed him and he couldn't cope .
But that only underscores a certain level of immaturity and irresponsibility. When the going gets tough , Cliff lies and cheats .
Life is filled with tough times and your partner should be someone you can count on . Cliff doesn't seem terribly interested in working on your relationship . At some point, you have to make the decisions that are best for your children . Professional counseling can help you work through this and move forward .
Maxy
Nana says,
Phooey! All this angst over a lying, cheating man with no backbone. I am so old I have seen this kind of thing time and again. See a councelor if you can't handle your own life; that's fine. But I might suggest you give your kids a hug, dress up and go out on the town with someone you like ...kick up your heels. The whole world is out there waiting for you. Don't worry yourself sick over someone like Cliff. Let him sit home and sulk about himself. You did the right thing.

Dear Maxy,
I recently lost my spouse and now attend a grief support group that can be very helpful .
However, there are a couple of members of this group who monopolize the conversation for at least half of the time allotted for the total meeting and worse, they repeat the same ting over and over again .
We also have a new member who attends to support a friend whose husband died, now we know all about her abusive childhood .
Grief groups work well by sharing pain caused by loss of a loved one . Members support one another .
This is not possible unless there is an open and caring interchange between members . Perhaps those members who are causing problems will see this .
Southern Griever
Dear Southern ,
There should be a councelor of some kind to moderate these discussions and keep order so everyone gets a chance to speak their mind.
Although a certain amount of off-topic discussions can be appropriate and healing , no one should monopolize the sessions so often that it prevents other from expressing themselves. Speak to your moderator about it. Another option is finding a group more suitable to your needs.
Maxy
Nana says,
Next time you attend your grief support meeting, perhaps, you could suggest to all the members that each person gets a time limit of five minutes and keep going round the circle of members until the meeting is over. If no one wants to be the time keeper, take your kitchen timer with you.

Dear Maxy ,
My parents and brother live in another state . A few years ago my brother went through a nasty divorce . He and my eleven-year-old niece, "Debra" are still estranged from his ex-wife .
The issue is how my mother is reacting to the divorce . She was very shocked by the events leading up to their separation and think it has damaged her trust in people . She seems to be transferring this anxiety onto Debra .
Mom wants to protect Debra from all disappointments in life , and together they have developed an "us against the world" mentality .
Maxy , there are other family members who love Debra and want to be part of a loving support system for her and yet we feel shut out by the alliance with my mother . Debra goes to her grandmother almost exclusively with all her feelings and I get the sense that Mom enjoys being so important to her .
I know that my mother loves Debra immensely , but I'm not sure whether she is helping or hurting . What do you think ?
Ambivalent
Dear Ambivalent,
It all depends on whether your mother is helping or hurting Debra. If your mother acts as Debra's confidante and works through the girl's feeling of abandonment or grief over the divorce she is helping . Debra may find that her grandmother is easy to talk with and seems to understand her best , in which case she is more likely to confide in her exclusively.
However , if Mom is deliberately keeping Debra away from family members and encouraging her to blame her mother or father , mistrust others or behave secretively , she is doing harm .
Maxy
Nana says,
An eleven year old is perceptive enough to know in her heart who she trusts with her feelings. Kids are smart. Don't worry about her. Just be thankful she is surrounded by a loving family. Normally she would go to her mother with all her feelings and problems. Since she no longer is close to her mom, her grandma is a natural choice for a substitute. She needs a confidante (singular). You will be able to tell from her demeanor and behavior if the relationship has a negative influence but that's highly unlikely. 'Thank Heavens for grandmas!'