A: They grow taller!
Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?
A: To stop the foreskin from ceeping up their necks
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
You know you need a new lawyer when:
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”
“I know the feeling,” the other says.
“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me!”
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian . Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: A bill for a $50 legal consultation.
A limo full of attorneys was driving down a country road, headed for a posh resort for the weekend, when all of a sudden it skidded on an icy patch and crashed into a deep ravine. An old farmer saw the accident and went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a very deep pit and buried the attorneys.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed limo, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them claimed they weren't, but you know how them attorneys lie."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.
The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to charge him saying, "You protect the public. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system. It's for free."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut
Just a wee poke in the ribs Gil
I still enjoy your jokes, Genie. They are hilarious. LOL
ReplyDeleteGood morning Jeanie,
ReplyDeleteLove my jokes.
You are welcome to poke me in the ribs anytime .
My portfolio and videos is growing (thanks to you). I think most of my clients come to see my new jokes and cartoons.
They are great ice-breakers for new clients.
Keep them coming.
Thank you.
Thankyou Vixenreloaded. Are you Katherine in yet another guise??
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure Long Shank. There sure are a lot of them out there. Hmmm...I wonder why.
ReplyDeleteJeanie,
ReplyDeleteI was debating whether to tell you why there is so many jokes out there decided not to .
Now that's another one I will leave to your imagination .
Hmmm...like the receding hair line.
So far I'm holding on to my hair line .
Like your style lady.
LS
ReplyDeleteI really like that you can take a ribbing and give one back. I enjoy the thrust and parry.( I'll leave that one to your imagination)
Maybe I've been giving lawyers a bum rap (not).
Your friendly neighborhood Genie.
PS: I have read that those hair plugs look very natural now.
Good afternoon Jeanie,
ReplyDelete'Hair plugs' is my lest worry , I worry more about waking up one morning and can't find my mind.
You know who I'm married too(Baby),please don't forget about my dad , never know what to expect with those two , I wake up in a new world each day.
Imagination is a great thing to have .So I will tell you what comes to mind when you say 'thrust' and 'parry.'
I thrust Baby every chance I get , I try to evade parrying at all costs (vivid imagination) don't you think.
By the way, if you need a good lawyer come to my office , I will be the one hiding under the desk (you know the reason why).
Dad is right you have a great sense of humor and a style all your own.
LS
ReplyDeleteI heard from a reliable source that Witchy can talk you crazy. My deepest sympathy.
She also rocks your world - That's the trade-off.
Living with G and Witchy...that could be migraine worthy. Cold compresses might help.
You do have a vivid imagination
Also 'bawdy' and 'salacious' come to mind. I like that in a person.
See you around Long Shank