Resolutions Which are Easy to Keep

*I will not tell the same story at every get together.
*I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some better excuses.
*I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
*I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible to conserve water.
*I will give up chocolate totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
*I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
*When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
*I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
*I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.
*Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
*Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
*Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
*I will not wet the bed and blame it on the dog
*I will read fewer books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can make your head hurt..
*Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't  mom always say I was a  bit skinny?
*Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
*Watch more TV. Catch up on all the programs I missed in the past few  years.
*Draw up a list of people who were nasty to me in the past year and get my revenge on them in the new year.
*Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
*Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.
*Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.
*I will drink less beer,  I drank enough beer already to re-float the Titanic.
*I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I ordered for christmas
*I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*I will stop saying," Ooh, that feels nice" whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.
*I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.
*Find out what the hell "resolution" means.
*I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).